Your Limits

Lifestyle Relationships
1

salams

i’m sure all of us have some rough personal limits mentally defined to ourselves for our behavior in different matters that we try to adhere to…the limits are prolly unique for each of us depending on our background and present situation…they are not rigid either, and are subject to constant revision depending on new situations…

maybe i’m overly obsessed with this issue but i’m often introspective and highly critical abt my ‘limits’ and ‘standards’ regarding different issues in my personal behavior…like how one deals with people, how social or free one is with opposite gender, how one dresses, things like that…

i’m sure all of us face moments where we are forced to make a decision one way or the other in such matters…

when you look back, do you think you are the same or have changed, as in become more ‘liberal’ or ‘conservative’…or a mixture of both in different things? are you satisfied with the way you have evolved? how would you have done things differently? what are the factors that guide your thought process in moments when you are confused and undecided?

would be interesting to read your replies :slight_smile:

2

Irem— > interesting yaar :k: :smiley:
Theres so much to say abt limits. But I must admit that I have changed sooooo much during the past few years, I used to have so many limits, kay yeh nahi karna, wo nahi karna, dont remember that u have a sista, ammi jaan or abbu jaan, think abt them b4 u do somethin stupid u kno what i mean?

But now I have changed so much, and really I’m not proud of it, but this is the truth, and I really wanna be the old sherni, who used to study and taking care of everythin at home and all that, but im not the same person any longa, regarding the clothes issue, well I have always been very strict abt that, and u definately shud be, for instances I only remember once, when papa ji told me to wear somethin else, bcuz what I was wearing was not good enuff or decent what so eva u can say… u know.. after that time I must admit I got very embaressed, and since that day aisa moqa nahi aya, Im in my limits regarding clothes Alhamdullilllah.

I got so much to add here. Irem did I answer any of ur questions? or is this totally off topic, sawwwiiieee :frowning:

3

:hug: u rock yaar

n it was totally all relevant

hmmm i know what u mean sherni…like my own limits have kinda changed too…some in positive ways…some in ways that i am not proud of sometimes…i dont think i am doing anything bad…oor maybe i am…dang i dont even wana think abt it…lekin yeh i think i used to be much better in many things than i am now…n yeh yaar studying and work ethic e one of them for sure like u mentioned…and many other things too…

add whatever more u wana yara, i would luv to read it :slight_smile:

4

salaams!
very interesting topic.. in my personal opinion ,with the passage of time most of the things tend to change and same goes for our limits and everything else.In the earlier part of the adulthood ...one does think about limits and things like that too much ...but after some times as he/she goes further in life,things do change in either way...may be person becomes too conservative or too liberal .
but for me, one should stick to the basic values of our culture and traditions and try to be pragmatic at the same time with out compromising on our values .
as far as the question of being satisfied as what i m now .....not really but one should at least try to be on right path and rest leaves to Allah .
i dont know whether i was able to contribute in the right manner or its just off the track as Sherni said.

5

Irem honey, tussi wi ROCK kar day o :smiley: :k: BILKUL ji :smiley: :k:

well I guess Im frm a very strict family. I really never knew that b4 i went to my college, and then one day there was a party and i went to ask my pappa ji, kay “can I plz join” and I got this simple si “No”. But really I must admit I got use to it, so it was not a big deal… and I guess Im ok wit it. Cuz somewhere daddy is rite.. indeed :slight_smile:

Well anotha limit which is so strict, sometimes I even feel that I’m the only person, whoz not allowed to join concerts. My parents never liked it, and somewhere I must say the same. Cuz, agar ek barr adaat par jaye, to go to concerts and all that, phir mushkil ho jaati hai. I dont even dare to ask my mom abt it, hehe…actually once Stereo Nation was comin, and I was like… hmm… I wud be kool if u cud hear him singing, but I never really asked my ammi ji, so my saheli, who also wanted me to come, she spoke wit my ammi ji, and ammi ji said "Sherni nay othey ja kay ki karna eh " :D. I was not even in the same room, I knew that ammi ji wud say that, but I just wanted to know her reaction.. and now I know :smiley: Im sawwie, if I’m sayin anyfin stupid, maaf karo mainu :smiley:

Regarding the opposite gender :smiley: A few years back, I did never ever speak wit any guy, except my pa ji or abbu ji.. but now, Im really not happy abt my actions.. I dont know… I mean.. I do speak, but only wit a few persons, but my family knows about them.. and thats the best thing…, but I tell my mom everything, no matter if its wrong, I just wanna be the first person to tell mom, rather then someone outside the family.. :slight_smile:

But really I wudnt call my self the best daugther, cuz im not
I have changed 2 much, its definately not the right way :frowning:

TO BE CONTINUED :smiley:

6

Re: Your Limits

hmmmmmmm… :stuck_out_tongue:

yea i’ve really changed …i feel that when i look back…

i was very different from wat i’m today… :wave:

7

Re: Re: Your Limits

I had the same reaction when I first read Irem’s initial post…I was like “hmmm :konfused:” :-p

8

Irem,
I've pretty much made most decisions on my own in life since my parents have given me freedom of choice. :D They never dictated rules to me, only guided me. Well I've always been kind of in-between liberal and conservative, it always depends on the situation I'm dealing with and mostly basic factors such as our religion, culture and family values and situations have guided me through every decision I've made so far. I'm not perfect so I did make some mistakes which everybody does and no, I don't regret at all making them. They were ALL part of me growing up and mature and the best part is, I've reflected on most of them and I know what I did wrong and what I need to be careful about now. :)

9

Salaam yaars,

agar hadh na hoti
tho hum guzarthe kahan se??

hahaha...just kidding...

i guess it depends on how much we let our
experiences effect us....this is the determining
factor in our evolution...

a person mostly lives around his/her established
standards...although there is always a battle
of thoughts vs. feelings...or mind vs. heart...
sometimes one may convince the other...

Daanie

10

I got strict limits when it comes to physical contact.

I’m not into thet “liberal” hugging and kissing" greeting that most people here are accostomed to…guys feel very offended when I tell them to back off but they realise it’s nothign personal…that’s just teh way I like things..

When it comes to friends…the moment they tell me I’m showing them affection coz I’m lonely or coz I got no other friends..that’s when I back off…coz if a person doesn’t value your love, time and understanding then screw them…I’ve lived my life being myself…and no one else…and I refuse to “become” anyone else..some people “expect” you to chage teh way you dress or act just to get with teh group..trust me..I rather be ALONE than change who and what I am.

Some of my Indian Catholic friends say I’m too “desi” and too “closed up” coz I don’t go out to a disco or drinking with a boy friend on my arm…so I tell em…you want to be my friend then accept me for who I am…if you wanan do that kinda stuff then by al lmeans go ahead..but I won’t be a part of it…doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect you as my friend"

Some of them realise friendship isn’t all about hanging out and clubbing and that simple dialogue between 2 hearts is enough to form a friendship.

One of my english teacher who was also a shrink once told the entire senior section at my high school during a prize distribution thing that “Conhita will always be Conchita…she’ll get along with everyone and fit in any where…but she has a strong identity…one that will always make her stand out…coz she is Conchita!”

It’s all about confidence and anyone or anythign bringing me down shoudl be thrown out..I’m not saying I don’t have my own insecurities..but that doesn’t stop me from loving someone with full confidence and faith in myself…and I tell that to everyoen I meet…beauty, grades, money, sucess..means nothing…at teh end of the day the only thing a person see is YOU..your character, your good heart…and so does teh Almighty :k:

11

Hey Irum,

Interesting topic....

Limits is an interesting way to put it but I also think you're asking sort of about what you feel is right and wrong and what is the best path for you to take, thus you limit certain things because it isn't the best for you...
Though honestly on the other hand I wonder if being flexible and change is good...shouldn't we all stay strict and know what is right and wrong and stick to it forever and ever....naaaa....:)

I certainly have changed...when i was younger i was much stricter about certain things but as I've grown, learned and experienced I've become alot less stuck on black and white of what's best to realize that situations often develop and sometimes what's best right now was not what was best a year ago....

I also think as I've become less "limited" i'm less judgemental and much more empathetic to other's mistakes, issues and views.

12

irem :wave: u come up with the best threads

me and my friends are always pondering over this… how much we’ve changed.. whats happened.. how different and bad we’ve become hehe..

i think change is all part of growing up.. its nothing to feel bad about.. its called maturing and learning :slight_smile: when i finished HS.. i was naive (still am actually.. but i was extremely naive).. i knew nothing beyond being pakistani and muslim.. tradition and religion was the only thing that mattered to me… and my friends.. even though ive grown up in OZ since i was 6… i was very much a paindu at heart…

my parents have never been strict with me.. the only thing they ever said was… ‘dont ever say shut up.. and swear’ and well i disobeyed.. and told every guy to shut up if he spoke.. and the swearing bit was a 6 month phase in grade 6 hehe..

as a person i dont think ive changed much at all.. i havent broken any of my parents rules oh except for the one they said… i guess cus my parents have never actually restricted me from doing anything.. i havent done anything.. there was nothing really to rebel against… ive never been stopped from talking to guys.. infact my parents insist i should be able to talk with confidence to anyone… my mum has always been a music buff (she was restricted when she was young..) so i usually go out with her if there is a concert…

ive become less naive… which im upset about cus there are just certain things i wish i never knew about.. but i think ive learnt a lot from just knownig as well.. ive become more accepting of differences in thought.. cultures, religion.. and basically everything.. i think its a good thing though.. i used to put a lot of constraints on myself.. about religion and all… but i think if u allow urself the freedom to live the way u want.. not the way society wants.. then u wont feel bad.. our culture makes us feel bad for talking to the opposite sex.. for listeing to music.. for going out to parties… lekin just give urself more trust.. have more confidence in the decisions u make.. and im sure u wont go wrong.. Inshallah :slight_smile:

13

hahaha i like :smiley:

irem zabardast topic yaar.. it did make me think …

regardin my parents well basically ive alwayz been a bit wayward yeah not a very obedient child… in tht sense i hvnt changed a bit , still a cow :stuck_out_tongue: but i must say i hvnt done anythin till date upon which my parents would feel shameful or watever, i know my limits n so do they… but i know i tke advantage of their luv, who doesnt :stuck_out_tongue:
sumtimes i get this feelin tht im the only child whom they luv unconditionally ( i hope pk doesnt read this) :hehe:

as far as becomin more liberal or conservative is concerned, hmm i would say my dressin has become much more liberal then it used to be,my views on marriage outside ur own race hve become more liberal regardin everythingelse im the same old conservative sharara :slight_smile: hmm but thts wat others would say, i wont call it being conservative but stickin with ur basic morals..
by ‘everythingelse’ i mean havin a particular “relationship” with a guy, even physical contact but they realize its nothin personal.. drinkin, gettin into ‘stuff’… but then again u might ask where does ur dressin fit in, DONT lol…

hmm watelse used to be veryy sensitive, gullible n naive.. not anymore well am still sumwat gullible..used to be veryyyy shy, not anymore thori bahut hoon lekin utni nhi,
much more outgoing then i used to be..

satisfaction? hmm i dont think i’ll ever be satisfied whether its the way ive evolved or anythingelse, ive alwayz felt sumthin lackin dunno wat…

i dont think i could hve done things differently, thts the way it is.. but yeah things would hve been different for me if i was an obedient child not tht im a total rebel but still they would hve been different

14

I've become increasingly more conservative over the years.

Back when I was 16 I was quite liberalised and westernised in my outlook. Increasingly, over time, I became more and more conservative in my views. Everything from dress (stopped wearing shorts that stop above the knee), to my attitude to girls (complete hands-off policy outside of marriage [apart from a tap to get attention, or shaking hands with business colleagues], stopped going to mixed-gender swimming pools), to my religious beliefs, all became more and more conservative.

I'm begun to become a bit more liberal in the past year, though. Having graduated, I don't have my university's Islamic Society there anymroe as a pillar of conservativeness. However, despite this, I still consider myself to be very conservative; in fact more so than my parents raised me to be.

15

Good topic Irem!

I am pretty much the same as I was in my near past. I am not too conservative or too liberal. Things that I used to labeled as “bad” in old days I still label those as bad and same is the case with good deeds. Only change I can see in me after moving to USA is that sometime I have to do the things which I think as “bad” or “not-good”.

As far as relationship b/w opposite sex is concerned, I pretty much observe the same limits that I used to in Karachi with just the addition of “shaking hands” in US. I don’t believe on any intimate relationship b/w opposite sex other than wife-and-husband. Yes I do have female friends here (better say office colleagues) and I had friends there in Karachi (university fellows) but I believe on keeping a distance with them. Yes we sure do go for lunches, dinners, different cultural functions etc but that’s mostly in the groups.

The only drastic change that I can see is in my dressing dept. That has changed a lot and that too I guess I because I am a professional now as compare to when I was a student in Karachi University.

In whole the limits that I apply on my self are created by my own. My parents never imposed the limits on me but they were (and are Mashallah) always there for me telling me what is (or can go) wrong and what is right and then leave the decision on my self. About 95% of the time I found myself inline with my parents. My father use to say that “If I’ll drive you to a decision you may defer from it later on but if you reach to the same decision by yourself, it will be ever lasting”

16

wow

very interesting thoughts everyone…:k:
was great to read your replies :slight_smile:

thanks for sharing your thoughts in this thread :slight_smile: :flower1: