Re: Your help needed
I won't ask you to leave the guy because us telling you something wouldn't help you much later down the road, because it's you who have to make the decision.. but I do suggest you to set a time frame, take as much as you can.. if the abuse still continues after that set time frame.. then get outa this useless, baseless, fake relationship asap.
Re: Your help needed
yes everyone ur advices do make sense...but to some extent i dun agree to the people dont change theory...my parents didnt used to share a good relationship but over the years i see a complete flip over personality of my dad compared to what he was before...only because my mom handled him the right way...m not giving justifications...just wanted to shared my experiance...
As far as H is concerned...i have completely finished contact with him for the time being...not because i want to make him learn a lesson but i dont feel like talking to him...may be all ur suggestions and advices are working on me...and whenever i'll feel tht i shud talk to him...i'll clearly set a time frame as someone here mentioned and if within tht time frame, abusing continued then i'll take a step for sure...
Re: Your help needed
yes mehnaz i'll surely read tht book...thanx
Re: Your help needed
a couple of my friends are engaged...and they have the same problem tht i have...a friend's fiancee treat her way badly than me...they dont talk to each other for months...after moving to pakistan few years back...ive realised that the percentage of men abusers in pakistan are so much more as compared to ppl living out side pakistan...here men dont hesitate to use foul language even in bazars...i dont understand the point behind it...and not only uneducated men...there are many well educated men who abuse so easily that i used to think tht may be its normal...and i am the one who is creating an issue out of it...but after knowing ur point of views i believe that i react normally the way it shud be...
Re: Your help needed
honestly plusha, i m sorry, i m a lil pissed. u keep sayin change is possible in a person and all. majority of us here are experienced, married or in relationship so we r sayin all this as per our experience. u r still young and naive and dun understand the complexities of relationships. i dun blame u. insaan moo ke bal ghirta hia phir hi seekhta hia. i say this for myself too.
90 percent of the men dun and will never change after marriage. u can dream abt that sweetie. one of the men here himself admitted that its becus of their ego... so u have ppl here who themselves are speakin up and sayin hey, its difficult to change us.
trust me, if u get married to this guy and later remember our advises u will cry really badly and thaz wat we all dun want for u. thaz y it appears we dun want u to b happy and all, when infact everyone is tryin to save u from jumping in a "kuwaa". do read the thread on domestic abuse on GS also.
Re: Your help needed
if u still think otherwise, this will b my last post in this thread. i m sooooooo tired of tellin ppl, givin hints of an abusive partner everywhere. good luck.
Re: Your help needed
arayy mall u dun need to get pissed sweets...i understand and i thank all of u who've change my mind set abit in a couple of days...nuthing can miraclously change over night...it will take time mall to understand everything...that is why...ive cut off with him temporarily so that i can act sensibly widout any pressure...and as far as change is concerned i gave u the reference of my dad...and ive already mentioned that m not giving any justification i just shared an experiance wid u all...no doubt u ppl are far more sensible and experianced than i am...i know this n thts y m here to get ur advices...and i still say i need time...i cant say all of a sudden that yeah fine i am leaving him...i need to think and tht needs time
Re: Your help needed
Plusha, that sounds reasonable. Maybe take this time to figure out and make an actual plan. It seems like you arent ready yet to give up on the relationship, that you're thinking theres still a chance. That may be. BUT...you should map out a hard and fast plan with goals and expectations that must be met.
Some people CAN change, thats true. But remember, abusive personality types are most attracted to those who they can subjugate, those who will let them get away with it. Abuse meaning not just physical but emotional (which can actually sometimes be worse!). So you need to be aware of that and be strong enough to never, ever take any sort of abuse - physical OR emotional from him. And he needs to know this, in a very emphatic way. If he says something cruel to you, tell him that his manner of speaking was cruel and abusive and his message has therefore lost any validity. And then tell him that you will consider further conversation with him only after his sincere apology.
If he is the rare type of person who is able to change as was your Dad, you will see it pretty quickly. But if he is the abusive type of personality, then he will begin to lose interest in you because he cannot subjugate you, because he is losing that control over you.
Good luck to you!
Re: Your help needed
yeah mamof3...u got it right...that is what i plan to do...ofcourse i am not a jerk...i'll not marry him if the abusing didnt stop...so far i havent made any plan...but i will soon...and i'll follow wat uve said cuz it makes alot of sense...thank u all sincerely...
moderators u can close this thread as i think there is no need to continue this further
Plusha, that sounds reasonable. Maybe take this time to figure out and make an actual plan. It seems like you arent ready yet to give up on the relationship, that you're thinking theres still a chance. That may be. BUT...you should map out a hard and fast plan with goals and expectations that must be met.
Some people CAN change, thats true. But remember, abusive personality types are most attracted to those who they can subjugate, those who will let them get away with it. Abuse meaning not just physical but emotional (which can actually sometimes be worse!). So you need to be aware of that and be strong enough to never, ever take any sort of abuse - physical OR emotional from him. And he needs to know this, in a very emphatic way. If he says something cruel to you, tell him that his manner of speaking was cruel and abusive and his message has therefore lost any validity. And then tell him that you will consider further conversation with him only after his sincere apology.
If he is the rare type of person who is able to change as was your Dad, you will see it pretty quickly. But if he is the abusive type of personality, then he will begin to lose interest in you because he cannot subjugate you, because he is losing that control over you.
Good luck to you!
GREAT advice.
Plusha, I really do hope & pray (for the sake of your safety and sanity) that your BF realizes how much pain he's causing you. Though, I must tell you that most guys with abusive personalities rarely, if at all, change.
Best of luck to you.
Re: Your help needed
You know what Plusha, you need to be super, super careful. Cause right now is the time he will be putting on his best behaviour act since you have ended things and cut all ties with him. This is the time when you can easily be manipulated into thinking he has changed, and return to him thinking things will be different now.
Honestly, you can say it repeatedly that you won't tolerate him swearing at you, but he won't stop swearing at you. The fact that he did it once and sees nothing wrong with it is a pretty clear indicator that he will continue to do so after you two get married. The only difference is that after marriage, he won't see any need to manipulate you into thinking he's sorry, which is what he may do now. Don't expect him to change or for him to realize how much you care for him.
He shouldn't be saying anything 'filthy' at all and nor should you tolerate the 'filth' he swings at you. Being in love is fine but respect comes first..if he doesn't respect you, he doesn't really love you.
People gain weight, get acne, grow bald with age in addition to all other changes.. will he continue to abuse you then? Would he expect you to go thru lipsuction/laser/hair-transplant too?
Plusha your dad changing part. I can kind of relate to it. But why would you wanna be in your mom's shoes for even a couple of years. Times were different back then. Don't know what your parents' situation was. But in most households emotional or physical abuse was not taken that seriously. Even the wives back then were more "sabar wali" & would stick around & take everything in because of their kids. Men do change but that's after 20-30 years when they are not physically strong enough or are not the only man in the house. Meaning the sons have grown up & even then if a person was physically abuses he changes but emotional abuse. Never. It NEVER EVER changes.
Its good to be hopeful. But be realistic at the same time. Good luck with everything.