You go to drop off one person to the airport, but you take 50 extra people with you
Your entire family runs the marathon when they see a dog (calmly walking on the other side of the road)
Your cousin is said to have “gone abroad to get married”, but you know he’s doing time in prison
Your mum watches random peoples weddings on Raj TV
You were taught never to talk to strangers at primary school, yet your parents force you to call a complete stranger “Auntie”
Your uncles crack jokes that aren’t even funny
“Paracetamol” is your cure to every illness
You somehow think you’re related to Prince Naseem Hamed
Your remote control is still in its plastic packet
You use your religion to get yourself out of almost anything e.g. P.E, class discussions, debates, etc.
You secretly meet your boyfriend/girlfriend in the most obvious places (e.g. your front garden) and expect NOT to get caught by your parents
“GET YOUR BACK-UP DOWN” and “KICK OFF!” is your solution to every problem
You studied A’ Level Maths but still think it’s possible to fit 100 people into 1 car
You wear sunglasses in hail, sleet and snow
You accuse the shopkeeper of being racist when he kindly asks you to pay for your packet of crisps
Your mobile phone “just happens to ring” when you see a member of the opposite sex
You hire a convertible in mid-December
You secretly watch “ZEE T.V.” but pretend you’ve never heard of it
“My mate wants to check ya!” is secretly your chat-up line
Your car is better than your house
You think you’re part of the MAFIA, yet you study Law
You seem to think that this list DOES NOT apply to you
You become obsessed with a member of the opposite sex, ring their house everyday, follow them home…and get rejected (you then ask out their best mate)
You think it’s a sin if you admit you’ve revised before an exam
You wonder why the person you fancy doesn’t come over when you and your mates scream, “Yo! Come over ‘ere!”
At the age of 30, you still think you can get away with paying child fare on the bus
You have a telephone at home but nobody is (ever) allowed to use it
You find a photo of a man with bushy hair, white shoes and sunglasses…you ask who he is and find out it’s your uncle
Your wear DKNY yet your mum buys material from Longsight Market
You’ve failed your driving test 6 times, but you’ve been driving for the past 3 years
In the primary school nativity plays you were always the donkey in the background (and if you were extra lucky, you were given the part of the villager)
You’re related to your husband/wife even before you’ve married them
The bus never stops for you
You’re the last person to see your wedding card … and the person you’re getting married to
Even your underwear is designer
You dance at a complete stranger’s wedding (and claim you are a distant relative)
You somehow think you were involved in Tu Pac’s death
You drive your car around the same spot for 10 years playing music that was out in ’95
You achieve A*’s in every subject and your parents tell you to STUDY HARDER
Your car is better than your house
Universities let you in for Medicine just by looking at you
You are offended by this list and you’re going to make a complaint about it
At home you have a butcher’s knife which is bigger than your head
Wilmslow Road is like a second home to you
There is a tub of “PRIDE GHEE” and a sack of “TILDA BASTMATI” in your hallway
Your mum asks you what you want to be when you’re 6 six years old and you say, “a Bollywood Superstar”…ten years later you’re still saying the same thing
You can’t go to certain places because your Uncle works there
You think you’re life is just ONE BIG INDIAN FILM
You somehow think you are a member of the F.B.I and therefore have to have code-name for everything e.g. T.P.
You seem to think that an ordinary car is a racing car and ordinary roads are racing tracks, thus explaining why you speed around thinking you’re Damon Hill
You were forced to watch Indian films during your childhood, and then your parents wonder why you lack in intelligence
You are over-dressed for every occasion and seem to take it as a joke when someone calls you “Garry Glitter”
You hardly ever take prescribed medicines because your parents have their own herbal cures at home
Unknown “relatives” start ringing your house on the day that your exam results are coming out
You are unable to open your front door because of the pile of shoes blocking the way
Your Auntie has permed, dyed, damaged hair
Your parents have a PANIC ATTACK when something dirty comes on t.v.
A member of your family claims that they once used to live in the Taj Mahal
You have 3 hobbies: CHILL, CHILL and CHILL
You have to offer guests tea even before they’ve stepped into your house
You address every other Desi person on the planet as “your cousin”
You think you have the ability to take on the entire police force
You dress identical to your friends and your favourite colour is black
Girls: Your brother thinks he’s your dad
Your wedding takes place in either a community centre or a crappy restaurant on Wilmslow Road
You know how an Indian film will end even before it’s started (but you still watch it)
You’re related to your doctor
You go to a wedding with an empty car, but on the way back you end up giving the entire population of the wedding a lift home (and you haven’t seen half of these people in your life)
At school, your parents were never aware of Parents’ Evening (…and if they did attend Parents’ Evening and you got a bad report, you told them that the teachers were all racist)
You arrive late at every party
At weddings the cameraman only ever cameras you when you’re eating
Your phone line has been cut off at home, yet you own more than one mobile phone
In primary school, your parents forced you to wear a glittery jumper with cats on it
In high school, you teacher kept asking you if you were “forced to do things”
In college, you either witnessed or were involved in a fight
In University, you went to a Bhangra gig that ended with a big fight involving weird men wearing glittery pants and tacky golden earrings
Your dad wears big, tinted-coloured sunglasses from the 60s (don’t even get us started on the yellow shirts)
The closest you can get to appearing on Ricki Lake is CAFÉ 21
Your parents find no criticisms in an Indian film where some guy jumps off a cliff and jumps back up again, people burst into song when their relatives are dying, evil politicians rule the world, and even the police don’t give a crap (and then they wonder why you prefer to watch “Eastenders”)
At parties, you wear more glitter and sparkly bits than a Christmas tree
You get over-excited when you see another Desi person on t.v.
You have attended every MELA ever organised
You accuse your cousin of fancying you
You lie to your parents about where you’ve been
You know the name of every Desi person in College/University, and they know your name…but you never let on
You know the lyrics to every Indian song ever written, but you deny it
You come home to the sounds of Asian Sound Radio
Your parents force you to listen to old Indian/Ghazal songs
Your auntie always wants you to have a secret relationship with her son/daughter
You are constantly being compared to every other Desi kid on the Planet
You pronounce English words in a typical accent when speaking to your parents e.g. toilet: “Toylat”
You never go to the library “to work”
Your phone number is x-directory
A member of the opposite sex simply says “hello” and you accuse them of stalking you
You receive phone numbers from complete strangers (either that or you’re handing your number out to complete strangers)
You own a gold chain with your name engraved on it
Guys: you lock your sister up and then go out chilling yourself
You have cousins that you’ve never even heard of
At Bollywood superstar concerts you’re more interested in the people in the audience than the actual stars performing the show
You wonder why people stare when you hire out a grand limousine for a wedding in a run down community centre located in the middle of nowhere
You have received a prank phone call at least once in your life
When celebrating a religious festival, you suddenly feel the need to scream and shout, dance on top on restaurants, cars… and even your friend’s shoulders for that matter
well i guess then i m not a desi
posing etc. We’d had a very “intellectual” conversation.
