Would you trust a man...

Lifestyle Relationships
21

well this person certainly need a person to lean on, in this case he is looking a rfuge in you. after all he has done to his wife (there may have be wife faults too). about the 1 night stands. well i would certainly not think he will change in this regard. at the moment cause he has done all this and may be ashamed of himself. he has done this to the end and seen all. may be he has realized. but to find out his true self. if he is given all he wanted care, love, relationship. then he will be able to show his true colors once again.

there is a chance he learn from his mistakes, even a nature can never be changed. he may value you cause of your care and sympathy.

just looked at one line , he is also givng reasons why he done that, like taking drugs.. its really not a valid reason!!

just wait and also watch him reaction towards others, ie, friends, male or female, managers, co workers.

i think if he has changed his behavior , he must have changed towards other people too. not only to people he actually need for some reason.

hope it helps, but dont fall in to this some time, you are right, u dont know about other person he is right or not. so give it time

22

i doubt whether u shud think along the lines of 'can he change' or he can't.nobody can predict that sort of thing, people generally dont change unless they really realyneed to, and consicence is generally not enough. but thats just one of the generalisations i have to offer, just like everyone else has over here.

people change, people dont change. both sides i am sure cud come up with a lambi chori list of personal examples as well as thier own prefered theorizing. generally for an uninvolved person,
the idea is simply avoid forming a relationship with a so-called abusive character, and for somebody already involved or somebody who knows and likes a person like that, well i dont think u need to think up a speculation game on what are your chances.

in any case i think that abusive people cant all be the same, and cant possibly abuse everyone who gets into a relationship with them. i mean unless the guy was a socially dysfuntional brute, who had problems with family, friends and colleagues, abusive relationships are generally two-way, so its not really necessary that an abusive person is going to be abusive with everyone he enters an intimate relationship with. and even if he is, there has to be some one ready to take it, for it to continue.

may be their marriage was a plain sort of mismatch which developed into this, but that doesnt mean all his relationships will be. its quite retarded to think of people in categories like that.

in any case u might want to able to question him or try figuring out/checking up yrself, on what were the problems in his marriage, and see for yourself if what you are bringing into the relationship is something altogether different or not, and whether he will behave differently with you or not.

there is a hell lot of things you can look up, a background check of the guy and his wife, wudn't be futile wud it? u need to find a lot of things out, something along the line of the 2's lifestyle and habits, family politics, social circles, social status,their disposition, etc.

u can also tell him to see a marriage counsellor before commiting to him if u wish.

23

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Roman: *
LK, two things. First, having physical relationships without any emotional attachment is not a bad thing. .
[/QUOTE]

Now if a woman would have said the same thing she would have been labelled what and what not.

Physical relationships turn out to be emotional regardless.

24

Okie guys thanx for all teh advice...but one thing.

I'm not even thinking of marrying him... he'sjust someone I sort of looked at as my best"est" friend... in fact I thought he was rather saintly and when he realised that I was sincere in my friendship and love (non romantic) he told me all this.

25

LOL

26

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Roman: *
LK, two things. First, having physical relationships without any emotional attachment is not a bad thing. It may be bad in your eyes for yourself but that's you, not him. It does not come under the same category of badness as "abusing/beating wife" so take it as such. Even if it is a bad thing in your eyes, this still does not go towards his being a "bad" person. Only abusive behaviour does.

Secondly, he told you about his past himself. Not many people are like that. This still doesn't mean that he's a changed person or not. It simply means that he's honest and is not trying to hide anything. However, you'd need to make sure that he's not telling you the "half truth". People can tell you half truth and get away with full fledge lie. Honesty also itself is not a virtue unless it's motivated by similiar intentions.

Thirdly, no one really can give you an answer on what to do as no one has really met him. There are only guesses here one way or the other. Don't base your perception on others' guesses. HaaN, just blurting it out for the sake of it is ok.
[/QUOTE]

I don't think that I've ever read a more sensible post from Roman. Every last bit of it rings true to my experience and to my principles. (I suppose one could argue that this does not necessarily make it sensible, but let's just go with it for now...;))

History has a tendency to repeat itself......so the only way you can find out if this man has really turned over a new leaf or not is by letting him create a new history. In simple words, you will have to spend a great deal of time with him to find out who he really is. This means years.

And I haven't read the whole thread yet (mainly cuz I was floored by Roman's response and it's accuracy) but I find you already trying to compensate for his shortcomings by saying that he was emotionally abusive when he was taking prescription drugs. That's a lame excuse and you should see it as that and nothing more.

Anchal...one question....do you believe that physical relationships turn out to be emotional for both men and women? I always thought that men are less likely to become involved emotionally.

27

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by lastknightess: *

about the physical relationships..I don't really have anything against that... but I do feel it's wrong to "trick" someone to thinking that you "like" them in order to get physical with them and he confessed to doing that on a number of times.
. . .

I just wonder if I can trust him.
[/QUOTE]

If he has confessed to using a ploy before, what makes you think he is not doing that to you? People have an inherent need to consider themselves "special". So when someone comes along and plays on that need, they fall for it quite easily. (e.g. Oh I've done this in the past, but I could never do it to you. Your friendship means too much to me. I would never risk losing you as a friend if taking this relationship to a physical level would mean that.)

If you are wondering if you can trust him well....give him time and let him prove it to you. What's the hurry?

28

Ohh no hurry Muzna... I guess I was well emotional when I wrote that... he isn't someone I'd get "involved with" .. but even as my friend...having someone that you have o constantly second guess is tiring.

Last few weeks I have spent a lot of time with him, talking consoling and yeh we have gron close as friends.

Anyways..thankyou to everyone for all their advice. Don't worry I'm not gonna marry this guy, this time I'm gonna do somethign smart and just steer slear of trouble.. will be there forhim as a pal.. but I think I'm gonna edge away slowly...i find him emotionally draning and mentally exhausting...

29

I was speaking from a woman's point of view. Women tend to be more emotional then men. So when a woman goes for the physical aspect she ends up messing it up with emotionls. Unless and until she is well set and determined to not drag emotions into it.
For that she needs to disregard society's views of women and the ways they should act. Sure a man can sleep around and doesnt labelled slut but the same for a woman and she gets labelled. Heck forget sleeping around, society judges a woman by what she says or what she wears which is a bit lame.

If a woman is not submissive to live by the invisible rules set by the society she aint a good woman.

She's got a tatoo she is not a good mother was the latest stupidity I read on this same board by an individual who just a few months back was flirting with every female guppie who posted her pic.

30

Ok lets forget what society thinks of people who sleep around.Lets talk about the people who think its alright to do something like this.How can an individual possibly hold any respect for him/her self if he/she gives the body to another individual.No emotions no caring.But hey they are adults of age, free to do as they choose?How can sleeping around be right in any way? How can one person use another for just physical pleasure? Wheres the respect, the love for ones own self? How can a person accuse others of looking down at these kinds of relationships, when that person is willingly giving up his/her body?

As for tatoos , it doesnt spell out an individuals life.

31

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Anchal: *
For that she needs to disregard society's views of women and the ways they should act. Sure a man can sleep around and doesnt labelled slut but the same for a woman and she gets labelled. Heck forget sleeping around, society judges a woman by what she says or what she wears which is a bit lame.

[/QUOTE]

Just because someone is not "labeled" does not mean they are not. I totally agree with you how the society labels and brands women for the very insignificant and most ridiculous of things. And so when women argue that women are not treated “the same as men” in this situation it seems to me they are asking to be just as low as men are.
So if men are dogs then what are women wanting to be? Do women really to be equal in this regard?

32

Well giving up your "body" is just as bad as any other "sin" that's "committed". If one can forgive people for all the other "sins" then I believe that this one shouldn't be such abig deal either.

I know people who have had their "fun" but as long as my relationship with them isn't physical it shouldn't concern me really. If they're good honest people then I'll hang aound with them..what they do behind closed doors is none of my business.

33

Like emotional abuse is something less than physical?!

34

Was just clearing up that he didn't hit his wife. No it's nothing less...I of all peole should know

35

The most conservative guys are those who stray themselves. There is a saying that a man who looks behind the door when he comes home does so coz he has been there himself.
The one night stands and emotional abuse by themselves, as i see them are traits that can be changed and explained.
HOW CAN EMOTIONAL ABUSE BE JUSTIFIED! Well you did mention that he tried to restrict his wife. That can be attributed to how conservative his upbringing was etc.
Arrey baba, but both these together spell DANGER.
He is not averse to fun,( he will lie and cheat) , but his partner must be confined!!!
RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
You are too sweet. He will gobble you up.

36

To sum up the situation, me thinks the two traits are interconnected and part of a whole. Dont make the mistake of thinking his affairs are in reaction to his divorce. He is promiscuous so he is suspicious about his partner.
Just my 2 cents.

37

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by lastknightess: *

Fg so you're saying a man never learns from his mistakes?
[/QUOTE]

that should be a statement not a question, Men learn?? i think not

38

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Miss_Mohabbat: *

that should be a statement not a question, Men learn?? i think not
[/QUOTE]

Hmm...lt's not generalise here..there are people who do change!

velaugh - I get what you're saying..thanx a bunch

39

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by lastknightess: *
what they do behind closed doors is none of my business.
[/QUOTE]

I sort of agree....I think.
But don't you believe that what people do behind closed doors makes them who they are?

So if they are good and honest, chances are they will be moral and upstanding....therefore not prone to sleeping around?