Would you marry a physically handicapped person?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Topic trigerred by Lajawab’s thread in Culture.

When I used to work closely with handicapped people I used to think a lot about this, k Irem you’re working with these people but would you ever marry a handicapped person? I saw that in America handicapped people could get most things in life but many of them couldn’t get a spouse, which is someone all human beings naturally desire I think. A part of me wanted to marry someone who is handicapped. Not out of pity for them or to make myself feel like a martyr. Not expecting that I’d be appreciated more because I was normal and chose to marry someone whose handicapped. But to utilise my life to give another human being a happiness and support which maybe they would not be able to get in life otherwise. This wouldn’t be a noble act or an act of sacrifice, marriages should not be based on one party entering thinking they’ve done a favor to another. But marriage to a handicappd person would truly be the best use of my life as I would truly make an otherwise difficult perhaps impossible difference in the fullest way in someone else’s life.

Khayr…would love to hear your thoughts on this topic :slight_smile:

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honestly, no....
there r better ways of helping besides marriage....

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by armughal: *
honestly, no....
there r better ways of helping besides marriage....
[/QUOTE]

Excellent point...

I don't think a handicapped person wants a pity marriage...

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armughal -- there surely are...
but, they do desire to get married, yet who is going to marry them?

amelie -- you may be right about that, i'm not sure though...
everyone, including handicapped people, want marriage though, i guess its natural...

didn't our Prophet (saw) marry widows and divorcees to give them support? i'm sure he gave them all the rights of wives and didn't make them feel that he married them out of pity.

although, as i was trying to explain in my post, it wouldn't exactly be pity that would be the reason to marry a handicapped person. it wouldnt be fair to enter the marriage with the thought of having done a favor. it would be a whole hearted act.

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On the flip side...handicapped people have the same needs/wants and desires as other people...

My nieghbor downstairs is a 50ish Cerebal palsy guy, he's wheelchair bound, with significant tone in is legs and upper arms, basically he has one fairly functional arm and the other is a bit spastic, cognitively he's pretty good, a bit slow but i'm not sre if it's because it takes him time to form the words or slow brain BUT he loves to talk politics, religon and would express his worry about me and my husbnd due to the "crazy" people out there with the war an all...

He has struck up a friendship with us since we have offered to help him out if he needs it, so he calls us a few times a week when needs the radio fixed, a book picked up or whatver when he's alone and before his care giver comes in the evening....

A few months ago he and i were chatting and after telling me he believed in abortion b/c his mom didn't want him, was an alcoholic, used to beat him BUT didn't abort him b/c she's catholic and he felt that he's now a burdan, better to have been aborted than born this way and suffer

...anyways after this conversation, he asked me or rather...said "u know ...i'm a man and have feelings, needs and i was wondering if you know anyone who would..ah u know...i'm willing to pay"...

Now i can see all the little gupoos flip out that i'm talking to this guy and he says this, realize he was very respectful in the way he asked and 2nd, i was a therapist so he knows i've worked with handicapped people before, so well to be honest i'm used to having patients/people trust me enough to bring things up that they wouldn't with others...anyhoo...

I told my husband and he felt so bad for the guy...he said "here's a man, wants someone to love and be with, can't do it himself and can't find anyone to help him out....I wish there was something we could do, that wasn't illegal"...

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:frowning:

amelie… u’re doing a great job with that guy yaar :flower1: may Allah swt bless u :slight_smile:

hmmm… may Allah swt help him..

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amelie, excellent post. I am glad you didn't hesitate posting the question he posed you. I have worked in a rehab center during my uni days and came across this very nice man in his early 30s on a wheelchair. He was fit, funny and fine. Any woman would have gone out with him had he not been without legs knees down. Anyway, he was once telling me that he too has feelings. He is sensitive to touch. He told me he would get so desperate in his 20's that he would go to grocery stores for shopping, spil sugar or some other ingredient on his pants and ask one of the female clerks to for help in clenaing him up. He would get aroused by their touch.

It's a very very testing life for these people.

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What about polygyny?

What if some men took more than one wife (which is allowed islamically) and helped these disabled women? To fulfil there marital desires.

But in our culture and society, are we really accepting of these kinds of arrangements, and would the men be willing to take the extra responsibility?

I dont know what can be done about disabled men. Would women accept such men?

I think it also depends on the kind of disablilty.

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umm, I think I would go for it but then it depends on the extent to which he is handicap...

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amelie: Excellent work you and your husband are doing mashallah :k: May Allah Mian reward you commensurately, rather more. Aameen :~)

niqabi: I have had real-life examples of this. One of my not-so-near relatives married a physically handicapped person (he had sight in only one eye and one of his legs had a rod or something in it). Whatever the very many reasons there may be for this marriage, but the one that came to the fore by this relative of mine, and quite strongly too was ‘is tarha ke hadsaat shadi ke baad bhi to ho sakte hain, us soorat main kia koi apne spouse ko chor day ga?’ Therez not much that you can say post this reasoning, now can you?

It is quite a noble deed and frankly speaking, amelie and fg’s posts have pronounced this phenomenon even more. On a personal note, i hate to say this but perhaps i would not be able to do it. I am not strong enough, perhaps.

May Allah Mian bless us all. Aameen.

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To all of you with your wishes/blessing for us, ameen but I hestitated to bring it up because i didn't want to be bragging about what we're doing...plus wasn't sure how people would take our nieghbor's request (you're right funguy)

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by funguy: *
. Anyway, he was once telling me that he too has feelings. He is sensitive to touch. He told me he would get so desperate in his 20's that he would go to grocery stores for shopping, spil sugar or some other ingredient on his pants and ask one of the female clerks to for help in clenaing him up. He would get aroused by their touch.

It's a very very testing life for these people.
[/QUOTE]

Thanks fun guy, you're right. I've heard of people, handicapped and the aged getting "skin starved" they aren't touched by anyone at all, so they are just desperate to feel skin/someone touch them that they'll do anythign for it...

Khanzada,

Well there are different levels of handicapped and it depends on what society you're in, one blind eye and a rod doesn't matter if he's able to work/function in society freely.

further, many people with spinal cord injuries can still function by working in sit down/desk job....however that is availble in america but NOT in pakistan. I have a cousin who's deaf is life outlook is serverly limited in pakistan while in the US I know a deaf girl who's in medical school at UCLA....

I think islamically if the man cant' work/provide for the family and can not have sex, they aren't alot to marry/or the marriage can be desolved... for some some handicaps niether of the above is possible but for many, both are totally doable so really it is up to the person deciding...

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My brother works part time in a rehabilitation centre.

I sometimes visit there, this might sound sick but I once fell for a girl patient around my age, it wasn’t lust though just pure love, I don’t know if it was because of pity or because she was a fellow Pakistani, she wasn’t severely deformed but her face did have signs of handicapness. Handicap people tend to have a really cute innocence about them.

It’s sad/scary to think they were once normal people like you and me. I’ve seen rugby players, soccer players all stuck in a chair now.

I don’t know if I want to live with a handicap person though I don’t mean to be nasty but I’ve seen people go a bit funny after working with them, the staff at my brothers place seem to have more problems than the patients.

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Niqabi this post wasn’t triggered by that song with the guy having to watch TV all day and then his mrs coming home feeding him, clipping his nails and doing the deed with him, trust me not all handicapped guys are as cute as him. :D

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Honestly I wouldn't marry a mentally handicapped person but physically handicapped yes. Not cuz I pitied him, but cuz I loved him. Same goes for a normal guy, I wouldnt marry even a perfectly able person if I didnt love them or if they weren't a nice person.

This reminds me of Jane Eyre.

I think a lot of people attribute a lot of romanticism to marrying someone who's disabled. I used to as a kid look at Jane Eyre and her marrying Mr Rochester as the most romantic thing in the world, like wow she married even though he was disabled. But like now my reasons stem from love, not "saving" someone.

This reminds me of this time this acquantaince of mine tried to hook me up with a friend of hers who she knew from the hospital. He had some physcially degenerative disease, I don't even remember what and he lived alone. He was half Black and he emailed me and said I'm half black but I'm very fair :) Anyway, my reasons for not getting involved were never related to his disability.

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niQabi=Irem :eek: :eek:

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mahnoor aho :wink:

Sarah, hey cool thoughts yaar :slight_smile:

Zakii ke bachay hawww teri toh :smack: idhar aa zara :hoonh: zor se zaki ke kaan pakar k marorring :smiley: sharam kar thori jai :hehe:
khayr, thats sweet u fell for this handicapped girl, and yes u’re right handicapped ppl look very innocent :slight_smile:

amelie…true…

Khan bhai ahan…appreciate the honest reply :slight_smile:

lost soul…nice :slight_smile: and true…extent is also a factor..

M i think there are ppl who would accept it…but u r right, as lost soul was saying, depends on the extent..

funguy, true… it is very testing… :-/

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I would, if they were only physically disabled and not mentally and there was love.

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If I would, then it would be out of love and not out of pity.

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havent we already discussed this before? :-/

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suroor…have we? hmm nai i think that was abt marrying someone with a disease…

humsa, kaka… :k: :slight_smile: