So the thing is that SIL is getting married again. She was getting her first divorce when I was getting married and created much drama and hence there were not any celebration climate. All in all she left me with a bitter feeling due to her behaviour towards me.
Then she suddenly decided to get married in Pakistan a couple of years ago and did not inform her brother – my hubby – and of course not me. So I must admit I felt a bit offended, mostly due to the way I was told about her wedding. But i was also shocked the way she just dealt with us all. I felt that maybe she felt that we didnt support her enough butt hat was not the reason. MIL thought that hubby and I knew about this and didnt tell her so relations with her were also effected in a bad way for a period and then she realized that we actually didnt know and she started to be nicer to us.
A year after SIL’s marriage and just a few months after her new husband came from Pakistan she decided to send him back cuz she found out that there was a mismatch. I felt sorry for her butt hen again all the factors were pointing at that direction since she married in such haste! She is still not legally divorced according to the local law but got her islamic sharia divorce papers from her husband.
Now the same person who get her that rishta in Pakistan that turned out to be totally wacko has introduced to another person who is much much younger than her. Hubby got to know over a text message that she had accepted this new rishta and was pretty harsh in the way she was telling him that she knows what she is doing and that its her life etc. but she still asked him to join him for the nikkah in Pakistan despite the other stuff. She also asked him that I should joint them.
There are few issues in this.
Why would I for someone’s wedding to a different country when the person is not even willing to invite me herself? Or even inform me about her accepting the new rishta?
If I go I know that I wont be able to be neutral as I have a feeling that the guy is doing it for visa. So I might end up bithing around and not look happy which then might become an issue
It will be expected for me to deal with her in-laws as one deals in Pakistan culture but when neither she or he/his family are bothered about Pakistani values when it comes to rishta process (i.e involving parents etc) then why should I then live those values?
I have been dying to visit Pakistan for a long time but I dont want to ruin my vacation and my mood due to all this. I know that she has no obligations to me whatsoever but isnt a family about sharing good or bad news and support each other. I dont feel like being part of the family at all.
The past few vacations I have been to have been either effected by the news that she got married and didnt inform, getting divorce so her ex-husband calling hubby to resolve things and then getting to know about her latest engagement. I dont want my next vacation to be ruined by looking at people whom I regard as visa hungry people. Have seen to many cases around me of gilrs being exploited including been there myself so I just cant deal with this without getting emotional and angry……
chameli a question for u.... what does ur SIL, ur in laws, think about this latest engagement and what is their reaction to it. are they happy? or not?
also, does ur husband want u to be there? If i was u i would wait and see what everyones reaction is to this new situation and take it from there. If u do go dont get too involved in anythin. its not ur inlaws its hers to be so just do the basic and then leave her to it.
what do her parents think of this, are they in the loop?
dude you gotta look at what your responsibilites are and not worry about what ur sil is doin ... i kno its harder said than done but at the end fo the day with everything all said and done you'll be more happy with yourself that you did the right thing and were teh bigger and the better person and your husband and in laws will apprieciate you more too
The only person you need to worry about keeping happy is your husband. And in your entire post, you didn't mention how he feels about this and what HE expects from you in this situation.
Is your husband going to her 2nd wedding?
If so, then have you asked your husband if he wants you to go with him?
If your husband is going and wants you to go with him, then you should definately go with him. You're not going in order to make your SIL or other in laws happy....you're going in order to make your husband happy.
But....If your husband is not going OR if he tells you that he's ok with you not going....then don't go.
I get the feeling that your husband doesn't approve of this recent rishta, but what did he say when she invited you both to attend the wedding? Has he agreed to go or not?
I feel bad for your SIL....because it seems like she's in such a desperate hurry to get married...that she doesn't want to consider all factors of the rishta. Correct me if I'm wrong...but doesn't your SIL have a child/ren? If so...the entry of this new guy...is going to affect the kid/s.
Perhaps your SIL was really upset/angry when she told your husband about her recent wedding plans (because he might have expressed his disapproval)...and being in a bad mood from talking to your husband.......she probably didn't have the energy to explain the wedding plans all over again directly to you....and just quickly extended the invitation to you while talking to her brother. I agree it's not tactful...............but if you've had issues with your SIL not being considerate of people's feelings.......then don't let it get to you...that's part of her personality and you can't change her.
As Reha said.....she's an adult....if she's old enough to get married...she's old enough to deal with the consequences. I know it's easier said than done....but try to emotionally detach yourself from your SIL and the things she does. And if you end up going to Pak....................have fun. Cuz you can't control her....but you CAN control the way your own mood. There may always be someone...your husband....a child.....a random stranger.....a friend......who may act in an irritating way.....but you can't stop living your life because of their behavior right? Pick and choose your battles.
You know Chameli420, your SIL probably has more than enough issues of her own to worry about other than you. This is her 3rd wedding (did I get it right?) Rather than getting naraz from her, just pray for her.
Well I havents discussed this with my husband yet. He doesnt seem very enthustiastic at all about the rishta, wedding or travelling to Pakistan.
I have other plans for an eventual trip to Pakistan and dont want to spend days at shopping, preparing and doing other stuff for someone who behaves like that to me. Great that my husband's happiness is important for me but I also think that in a marriage it goes both ways and if I am so annoyed at someone with reasons that hubby understands and agrees on then I do feel the liberty to tell him that even if I go I will arrive the day before the wedding and participate and afterwards do what I really would like to do when in Pakistan. Afterall we dont travel to Pakistan so often!
Hubby didnt respond to SIL in any rude or bad manner. He tried to speak to her that she should investigate things but she didnt listen and her message was clear that she doesnt want any involvment. Its just unclear to me why she even wants him/us to come for the wedding?! FIL will be going but MIL is furious given that it is 3rd time SIL is marrying in such a haste and she has a child that will be effected by her decisions.
If your husband understands and agrees with your position on the whole marriage topic then why would he be opposed to you taking some time out to do your own stuff on the trip?
I understand your feelings about this person but there comes a time when you have to be the bigger person and overlook someone's trespasses against you.
Furthermore......if you avoid going at this time and then go a short while later how would that look on you?
If your husband understands and agrees with your position on the whole marriage topic then why would he be opposed to you taking some time out to do your own stuff on the trip?
I understand your feelings about this person but there comes a time when you have to be the bigger person and overlook someone's trespasses against you.
Furthermore......if you avoid going at this time and then go a short while later how would that look on you?
Yeah, I dont see what the big deal would be if you went and took some time off for yourself as well? If he is on your side, he will be supportive of this too.
The thing is, your SIL needs you and your hubby right now in a manner that our culture demands. So be there...apna farz nibhao.
Muzna's right....if you don't go (in the event your husband goes), how will that reflect on you? Your MIL and FIL might be irritated with their own daughter acting like a teenager...but I think your absence will really offend them....it could be faux pas that may be hard for your in-laws to "let go" of.
Tell your husband that you also want to have time out for your own activities...and maybe he'll compromise and you two can work out a schedule where everyone's needs can be met. Something's better than nothing right?
Well the thing is that when a person is strictly following what Islamic Sharia says about her right and responsibilities and has been doing so for the past many many years leaving me with the feeling that in this family I only should do what my responsibility is as a DIL according to Islam.
Pakistani culture doesnt play any role when it comes to the way she makes her decisions to marry, divorce etc BUT it suddenly is relevant when she needs help to sort out the papers and need hubby to speak to her ex-hubby etc. I dont mind that cuz they are siblings but what I do mind is that her behaviour towards me is just totally odd!!
She never speaks to me about what is going on in her life, and yes that is her right and she doesnt have to tell me anything. BUT wouldnt you think that you just invite your bhabhi out of good ikhlaaq? even though Islam doesnt say that you should do so?
And why is is suddenly so important with Pakistani culture now? that I behave like a traditional bhabhi and perform all the Pakistani wedding things for her?
Where was this Pakistani culture a few weeks ago when the rishta process was going on? Noone from the guys family have even been in touch with hubby or my in-laws. As far as I know they dont do rishtas that way in Pakistan. Eventhough a girl is divorced they would still contact her family to speak to them at least once. But here is no contact and when it comes to the wedding itself, it is expected to suddenly become Pakistanis and do all the things that are expected to do in a Pakistani wedding for a father, mother, brother and bhabi??
I am not sure if I am making my point clear but my reason for reacting like this is primarily that I see double standards here. And I am also worried for her future cuz she hasnt learnt from her past 2 hasty marriages that this isnt the way to go......
Don't bother about her life and her decisions....Ask yourself what you want to do? I think you want to go to her marriage....coz otherwise you wouldn't think about this issue that much.....No is NO....Your heart says yes but your mind NO....It's your decision what you want to do...nothing to do with culture or Sharia or whatever....Keep it simple....
Go if u want to go....hasty marriage, divorce etc etc she choose to live like this....I think she has the guts to do this...She don't bother about "the duniya wale kya kahe ge".....she lives the way she wants...if there are some people who think she's doing wrong...then it's their opinion......Why should she live unhappy with a person she don't want to live with....it's good to choose the path to your own happiness....yeah there are def borders....but everyone dif....
And why is is suddenly so important with Pakistani culture now? that I behave like a traditional bhabhi and perform all the Pakistani wedding things for her?
I am not sure if I am making my point clear but my reason for reacting like this is primarily that I see double standards here. And I am also worried for her future cuz she hasnt learnt from her past 2 hasty marriages that this isnt the way to go......
1) In my humble opinion, you're missing the point. IF you go and perform "traditional bhabhi" duties, you are not doing them for HER. You are doing it for your husband. Whether or not your husband cares, the fact of the matter is that his family (SIL, his parents, other relatives, "aunties" etc) will take notice of your absense and WILL make negative comments. Those negative comments will get back your husband one way or another. I'm assuming that your husband will not be happy knowing that others are talking about you in a negative way. Your absence gives your in-laws "ammunition" against you. So you performing your "bhabhi duties" is not for your SIL....its for your husband so that he does not have to hear others talk sh*t about you.
2) Your SIL is an adult woman right? You two obviously aren't good friends. Don't worry about her future. If she wants to get married 10x and divorce 10 husbands....well then let her. The one and only person you need to think about in this situation is your husband.
You mentioned on a post that you have no discussed this with your husband. That's the very first thing you need to do before anything else......ask him if he's going to the wedding and how he would feel if you choose not to go.