Would you get a health checkup for your rishta?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

**What is wrong with lots these
days. There's a difference between physical
checkup and thorough examination. If it's
a physical checkup, blood test, shots,
that's fine. As far as wanting to
know that the other person doesn't have
any STDs it's all well and good. But anything
beyond that, specially if the tests are done to
determine compatibility it's highly absurd to say
the least.

If testing must be done then let it be drug testing.
There are so many cases where people drink,
experiment with drugs and God knows what else
these days specially the ones that live alone, too
independently or at dorms. **

22

A mute button somewhere on their men.

23

My stance is that u cn never be too sure and if u start checking stuff then there is no end to it. You could go on and on and make it very biizarre. Im not sure what I would do though. Depends upon ur level of trust with the party involved too.

I like ur proposition about the mute button though.

24

I want a test devised to check for anger issues, I refuse to marry anyone with a temper. A disease that runs wild in most males in my family. He can have all the heart conditions he wants.

Coming back to the point, I don't see it a problem but to me a person's lifestyle is more important than his/her susceptibility to a disease. One could be healthy now but with a very unhealthy way of life which is of course worse. Personally, I wouldn't ask or if asked probably would be offended, I think there are more important things one can look for in a spouse, not to say that health isn't, but if it's a hereditary thing then it's not that person's fault to begin with.

25

Do give my regards to Matty. Tell him he is missed.

As far as kicking men out of the house, they usually do stuff u dont want them to, so if I wanted to get rid of him I would have to tell him something along the lines of... you better not go anywhere today,especially to meet ur friends and then watch him leave the house. Knuckleheads!

26

i'm all for it... desi society has a lot of lying goin on in it, especially when shaadi biya is concerned.. lying bout how old a girl is, diseases in the family, saying the guy is well settled abroad when he really works in a grocery store yada yada... gettin a medical check up nowadays is more important cuz ppl have chosen to marry out of family... you know what diseases run in your family and if u still choose to marry into family, u know what ure gettin into.. u really expect a rista from outside to be upfront and say "oh, diabetes runs in our family, actually our son has it too" :) not many families are that honest bout their shortcomings.... aur kuch ho ya na ho.. but medical check up should be made a must... just so both sides know what they are gettin into. i wouldn't think its got anything to do with one's morals or picking and choosing. Better to know before than after.
arabia has just passed a law making it cumpulsory for the couple to get a medical checkup done before marriage.

27

Even if you know everything there is to know about another person (eg. that they are not promiscuous, do not smoke, live a healthy lifestyle) there may be some factors that might make your life together difficult. But checking them out might be a big problem. There are so many things that you need to look out for!

I have non desi friends who have gone in for genetic testing and decided against having kids (they adopted) because of hereditary illnesses in their families.

I believe it is required in some parts of the world for couples planning to get married to get simple blood tests (blood group) - so you avoid the most obvious problems when you decide to have kids. This isn't a reason not to get married, but a simple way to be prepared in case there are problems.

I think if I was getting married to someone who was totally unknown I'd ask him to get blood tests to rule out major health problems. And I'd be willing to do it myself.

I do know of cases where there has been dishonesty and things have been discovered after the marriage that in all fairness should have been revealed - eg, epilepsy, only one kidney, hormonal imbalance etc. and the life of the couple has been difficult to say the least. If there was chance of love it gave way to desperation and certainly instead of one lonely miserable person there were two......

28

Unknown people/Rishtas set up I can understand been asked to do blood tests or perhaps genetic testing most likely through the parents...

Menhaz- actually I understood you quite clearly. And lets go for the "non arranged" set up. So when do you ask the guy; "hey dude I know you been sleeping around, and since I kinda like you, do you mind getting checked for STDs and once you are done you can see my report too?" Assuming you implied that you would ask the guy to get checked up before you take it further. I am not sure if you have ever done that but if you have, I would be very interested in hearing the response you got back.

Also what if the person was very adamant previously about been a "virgin", do you go ahead and still ask him about it? And why just STDs? is it simply because its not talked about much and so much of a taboo? I mean there are plenty of other communicable diseases and you dont need to be intimate with the other person for oneself to get sick - and yes they can be serious too. How about the genetic diseases such as sickle cell anemiea or Parkinsons etc.?

What I have heard is that if a non-citizen marries a citizen in most western nations, they need to get tested for AIDS as part of the citizenship application process and generally before marriage, so may be you just need to find yourself a nice fobby guy :)

My feelings here are, if you dont trust the person enough to take their word for it on these things that you need to get tested then perhaps marriage isnt the right step for either party in that process. there are more fundamental issues that are missing.

Perhaps theres a business plan in this somewhere. May be a "200 point medically certified" program sorta like the user cars ads I see all the time. It could even be advertised as the "desi pre marriage 200 points check out" certification process. You pay a certain fee and get all the tests done and then you can simply share the information with each other before even starting anything or even better just include it in the name .. Sorta like an Esquire thing. :).

29

I would not ask, nor would I expect him to ask me.

30

HMCQ, if there is a level of trust and comfort, things like this can be discussed. How you discuss it is totally up to you. You can be direct, rude and blunt about it or you can approach the topic with tact and diplomacy. Again, this can only happen when that level of trust and comfort is securely in place. Given this is such a sensitive issue, if I ask somebody, I would expect him to tell me the truth. Thus, there would be no need to have a physical exchange of documents. For me, it's better to be up straight and ask something that is concerning me rather than making the assumption that the other persons sexual health is fine and dandy. That would be own stupidity.

31

You trust him enough to ask, you trust him enough to believe he is truthful, and you trust him enough to feel comfortable asking, yet you do not trust him enough to tell you off his own accord that something may be wrong with him?

Ok since I am an fob, I am sure I lack both tact and diplomacy (or so I have been told), but I am always willing to learn and correct my ways. Imagine, I am your friend since 6th grade, you know my family almost like your own family, you assume/or know that I have had gfs through out college or what ever. Now we have been going out for quite while and you feel comfortable asking me such a question. Please could you for my learning experience tell me where and how you would ask me? I will be very honest and tell you if I felt that was tactful or not. And besides I do really wanna learn if there is a tactful way to ask the question - you never know I may change my mind in due time and have to ask that of another female.

32

You actually want me to play along with this make belief scenario of yours? Alright. Again, I would ask when the time was right. I would ask when I knew you would not be offended. I would ask when the topic of intimacy came up and you hinted or flat out tell me that you've done stuff in your past. If we were best buddies or "friends" since the 6th grade, no doubt I would think that we could, would and do discuss anything and everything under the sky as many "friends" do. Since you were my "friend" since 6th grade, you would also know that I have not done stuff when it comes to intimacy while you have. In that case, you should not be offended at my queries and concerns. My asking isn't just to satisfy my own curiosity, it would be concern for the guy's health as well.

Don't mean to generalize here, but it is very different for girls. We are expected to remain virgins until we are married and that's perfectly fine by me. However, how many guys actually live by the same rule? Not many. Personally, I wouldn't write somebody off because he isn't a virgin. However, that doesn't mean that I would refrain from asking if he has been tested for STDs. There is absolutely nothing to be offended or embarrased about when it comes to this issue. If the guy does become offended, it would make me think that he has something to hide. My theory is that it is better to discuss these things openly rather than perpetuate the taboo when it comes to HIV/AIDS and other STDs which is basically to keep your mouth shut and pretend that it does not exist.

33

Actually its not play along, I wanted to hear how you would really ask someone such a question.

You dont mean to generalize, but generalize you do.
There are plenty desi women who have "done" stuff and there are plenty of desi men who havent. Anyways to add insult to injury, you add women are expected to remain virgins and imply men are not? Men may not but the expectations for most people are fairly the same, unless you are implying that you would raise your daughters and sons with different expectations. What men and women do differently is not cause necessarily of expectations but rather because of the chances they have.

Anyways thats all besides the point. What I wanted to hear was what you would ask me and when/in what setting? What would be the actual words/sentence you would ask, cause I cant imagine any that would not be rude. What if you had known me since 6th grade and believed (like I am supposed to about you) that I had never been with anyone? Would you still ask me about it? How about if I was a doctor and had spent the last three years working with AIDS victims but you knew for a fact I hadnt been with anyone?

Indeed there is nothing wrong about asking about STDs, but then why single out STDs is my question? Arent there just as many other issues that can be terminal? Why not ask about them?

34

sigh Talk about misreading and making assumptions. I'm not even going to bother explaining or responding to the first half of your post other than acknowledging that I did generalize, which if you read above, I already pointed out when I wrote the post. As for the rest of your post, I'm not even going to bother as not only is it off topic, but you have also made your fair share of generalizations. :)

Back to these scenario of yours, if I had known you whilst growing up and believed you had not been with someone, then I wouldn't ask. Perhaps that's my mistake in assuming. If you were truthful and told me that you had been with someone, or had led me to believe you had been with someone, then I would ask. What would I ask? "Have you been tested?" It's as simple as that. If you answer yes, that's great. If you answer no, then I would ask you to get tested. No need to give any long speech about why I'm asking.

As far as I know, doctors are to be tested regularly as they often deal with patients with open wounds, etc. In that case, I would assume that if a hospital/care centre is keeping you in employment despite working with AIDS victims, then you are STD free. There would be a chance of you putting other people at risk if you weren't tested yet were still practicing medicine. The hospital could get sued which is why I assume they would want to cover their backsides by insisting their staff be tested.

Why single out STDs? Simple. For me, it's these diseases which scare me the most. Not cancer, diabetes, TB, etc.

You don't need to be sexually involved in order to get one of these diseases. You can get it from doing drugs, mishaps at hospitals, nurses using contagious needles .... it happens. Chances are, I would get tested for absolutely everything under the sky before I get married even though I have no reason to believe that I have diabetes, cancer, TB, any STD, etc. I'm not going to let my ego or pride get in the way. At this point, you not only have to consider yourself but also your future husband/wife. I would want them to know exactly what they are getting into and vice versa.

Khair, you have your opinion, I have mine. Now drop it. :D

35

Back to these scenario of yours, if I had known you whilst growing up and believed you had not been with someone, then I wouldn't ask.

That and thet fact that you in particular care about STDs (and not necessarily the outcome which can happen from other diseases as well) is all I wanted to hear. If you had put up the above post as your first response, I wouldnt have asked so many questions :).

Btw your simple question sounds quite appropriate if it is asked that simply. And I am guessing if the other person made you believe /trust that he hadnt been with someone you wont necessarily ask about it.

What I found odd is that since you arent gonna ask for documentation, you dont really have anyway of ensuring the truthfulness of the answer so why bother that much if you already trust him (and if hes lying hes not gonna suddenly become remorseful and change)? And that applies bothways.

One of my friends has stated quite blankly she would have her hubby to be swear on a quran that he was a virgin before marriage. And my question to her was what if he lied and you got married? Would you then divorce him or kick him out? And your approach sounded somewhat similar, which is why I went off on it :). Unless you plan on some negative consequences either pre or post marriage, just asking the question, I believe, would neither make your marriage better nor more secure.