if u have no family to turn to and u have to start all over again in life, careerwise.
where to leave da kids? financial considerations?
someone mentioned that working on a marriage is a battle, and opting for divorce is another battle. wud u fight the 1st battle till da end or take on another battle?
Re: would u consider divorce
If ur leaving in America, things are so much different here in every aspect, because im saying this i know many women who are divorced with children actually living very easily because of getting help from the government. They are paying for ur rent, u get food money, financial asistance program, also get free medical insurance, American governemnet really help u alot, if ur talking about in pakistan, u can't even imagine to be survive alone, pakistani governemt dont do anything for anybody basically, women has no place to live or to feed her children, ur own pakistani plp say horrible thing that she end up sucide... im also an divorce and starting all over again, luckliy i have my family who are also supporting me in every way, so i can finish up my school. at first its hard but then u become even more stronger.
Re: would u consider divorce
I guess it all depends on which situation one is in.For example if its an abusive relationship...Physical or emotional...She should get out as soon as possible with her kids(if she has any)...There r women shelter out there. Give us more detail as to the kind of relationship she is into.The divorce lawyers say that before getting a divorce, Take like an inventory of the good and the bad days on a calender.It can be in code language as not to make the other spouse suspicious. See which days outnumber whick.
Apart from that, is the other spouse wanting to improve relationship or not.Marriage therapy is one way to go too as if both of the spouses want to try to improve the relationship but donot know how to, or have exhauted all their resourses then a therapist...or even a third party intervention can work.Make sure that the 3rd party is unbiased...u both feel that he/she is trustworthy. In my opinion it is always better to try to work things out then to throw in the towel with the first storm. There r stages to marriage...I think 5, I can pm u the link.:)
Re: would u consider divorce
i totally agree with u amber...
Re: would u consider divorce
Im guessing the thread starter is pointing to a fact that all the reasons are there for a divorce but circumstances post divorce arent going to be nice...
I used to have a student that i used to chat to...Pakistani girl from Glasgow arranged marriage with two kids...we had a long chat one time and she told me that she really hated her husband and that he was abusive towards her and just a terrible husband...
They seperated once and her own family stopped talking to her and all the other nonsense of cos she initiated the seperation then it must be her fault and the guys perfect and all of that bs...
Now in her case her kids missed the dad and she was getting a hard time...for her she felt she could cope in a ****e marriage which for me is a shame...i reckon she should have left but she stayed cos of her kids...
I disagree with her...
My mother initiated a divorce from my dad and had no support from anybody...she had to make it on her own but she did what was best for me and her...im of the belief that its better to be in a happy home...single family or not doesnt matter...the household is happy which wouldnt have been the case if she stayed married to my dad...all it would have been is constant arguments and id have to grow up daily witnessing all his bull*...im very lucky i didnt have him as a father figure and would hope more women would realise that a nuclear family doesnt mean * if the dads a dick...
Re: would u consider divorce
Im guessing the thread starter is pointing to a fact that all the reasons are there for a divorce but circumstances post divorce arent going to be nice...
I used to have a student that i used to chat to...Pakistani girl from Glasgow arranged marriage with two kids...we had a long chat one time and she told me that she really hated her husband and that he was abusive towards her and just a terrible husband...
They seperated once and her own family stopped talking to her and all the other nonsense of cos she initiated the seperation then it must be her fault and the guys perfect and all of that bs...
Now in her case her kids missed the dad and she was getting a hard time...for her she felt she could cope in a ****e marriage which for me is a shame...i reckon she should have left but she stayed cos of her kids...
I disagree with her...
My mother initiated a divorce from my dad and had no support from anybody...she had to make it on her own but she did what was best for me and her...im of the belief that its better to be in a happy home...single family or not doesnt matter...the household is happy which wouldnt have been the case if she stayed married to my dad...all it would have been is constant arguments and id have to grow up daily witnessing all his bull*...im very lucky i didnt have him as a father figure and would hope more women would realise that a nuclear family doesnt mean * if the dads a dick...
how old were u ,like do u remember the feelings when they fought. I have read that fighting in front of the kids change who they r. Did he stay in touch?
I do agree too that it is better to be alone and hapy then to be together and miserable. Living for the sake of children really means that the woman...or the man is willing to sacrifice big time..then the conflict has to be muted not constantly let to fester until it erupts. It does take a lot of courage to consiously choose to just live for the sake of kids as then the emotional ties have to be severed, and this kind of a relationship to accepted as this way.I know it is easier said then done, but then both have to live up to their responsibilities to the kids who never asked for all of this to begin with.
I do believe that every human being has a divine right to be loved and Valued:)
Re: would u consider divorce
i am quite capable of taking care of myself and I know that if i had kids i would be able to properly care for them as well with or without my husband. however all kids need a loving home (loving being the operative word) with both a mother and father.....if i can make the marriage work...i will do my best but I cant be the only one making all the sacrifices.
Re: would u consider divorce
If ur leaving in America, things are so much different here in every aspect, because im saying this i know many women who are divorced with children actually living very easily because of getting help from the government. They are paying for ur rent, u get food money, financial asistance program, also get free medical insurance, American governemnet really help u alot, if ur talking about in pakistan, u can't even imagine to be survive alone, pakistani governemt dont do anything for anybody basically, women has no place to live or to feed her children, ur own pakistani plp say horrible thing that she end up sucide... im also an divorce and starting all over again, luckliy i have my family who are also supporting me in every way, so i can finish up my school. at first its hard but then u become even more stronger.
I am not aware if US has such a welfare program. In a society which does not discriminate against men or women, there should not be such programs as it becomes equally discriminating against men.
Talking about Pakistan, I have seen considerable rise in divorce rates. So it is wrong to say that you cannot imagine to survive alone. If someone has been blind enough not to see the importance of education, then they are killing their own chances of independent survival in case there is a need.
Re: would u consider divorce
Amber11...
He left when i was 6 weeks...returned when i was five and him and my mum really didnt get along...i also saw a few things i would like to see again which i will always remember...he left within 6 months and i missed him for a while but then i preferred him not being there...mum looked after me and provided me with all the love i needed...dad was a liability...its good he wasnt around cos i cant imagine the atmosphere being particularly pleasant...and nah he didnt stay in touch...
Life was easier cos my dad wanted nothing to do with us so in that way severing ties is a good option...meeting him every other weekend might have been confusing and problematic so im glad he abandoned me...
A small house with no problems is better than a big one with problems...no point of a father figure if hes a poor example...
Re: would u consider divorce
major problems in a marriage where one spouse just is so stubborn to the extent that he/she will not compromise or make changes in his/her behavior in order to make the marriage work and there are children involved then I wonder what happens to the married couple's living situation if they don't want to consider divorce for the sake of the kids.
I can just imagine how much hell that one spouse has to go through.
The wife stays in a separate room with the children and the husband stays in another room? They talk the minimum amount just so another argument doesn't happen.
I mean even after divorce the jerk spouse will still want to see his/her children so there will always be some sort of constant contact between the husband and wife so I sometimes feel like what's the use of divorce. It doesn't make the jerk spouse disappear all of a sudden.
Re: would u consider divorce
its the children that the jerk spouse is attached to and another way to maintain contact
Re: would u consider divorce
there are reasons for women and men to divorce, when people become deceitful to each other. but, as is admonished - an honest marriage ought not to even head towards that bad way.
Re: would u consider divorce
interesting .... and despairing thread....
I'm learning....
Re: would u consider divorce
unfortunately, there are wrong times, when actions and reactions take over, the good in us, and therefore we strain each other and lose sight of the life-constructive, honest and decent life long connection.
it could be mended, if the people in question are on the same page.
and also there must be a face to face real mature discussion and bring the doubts and fears out on the table.
the forep of anger, doubts or fears, if you will, cannot pick up on devotion and hidden meaning of attachment, since the covering of the bruised, wounded or of a good-heart may be easily neglected and ignored.
may Allah look over good couples and bring and keep them together. amen.
Re: would u consider divorce
Amber11... He left when i was 6 weeks...returned when i was five and him and my mum really didnt get along...i also saw a few things i would like to see again which i will always remember...he left within 6 months and i missed him for a while but then i preferred him not being there...mum looked after me and provided me with all the love i needed...dad was a liability...its good he wasnt around cos i cant imagine the atmosphere being particularly pleasant...and nah he didnt stay in touch...
Life was easier cos my dad wanted nothing to do with us so in that way severing ties is a good option...meeting him every other weekend might have been confusing and problematic so im glad he abandoned me...
A small house with no problems is better than a big one with problems...no point of a father figure if hes a poor example...
I am sorry to hear that..but I do feel that he was a sorry excuse of a man...who didnt fess up to the responsibilities fatherhood brings..Its not a pick and choose relationship as he was equally responsible for bringing in a child into this world.
It just sad that how so many of the men just get up and leave without even looking back at the damage they have caused to their own flesh and blood....I do agree with u completely that it is so much better to have no relationship at all then to constantly bring problematic traits into the relationship. Unfortunately in our culture, There r very few men and women too who seperate in a civilized manner for the sake of the kids...Being Husband and wife can change, but being Parents can never change. Its just that the children suffer the most if their is constant resentment between the 2 parents. I know its just so easy to talk about but very difficult to go through as we r emotional beings:).
Having said that , I would say that your mom has done a wonderful job of raising you all by herself...Providing you with both motherly and fatherly love. It must have been very hard for her, Bravo to her:)
And u are soo right in saying that its better to have a small happy home then a large unhappy one. so very true!!!
Re: would u consider divorce
yeahhh same!
like my dad passed away when my youngest sister was only 3 months…and i dnt know for what stupid reason his family told her to get married again because they thought she wouldnt be able to cope with us, she then showed them she could bring her kids up without a father…and now look at us…so i would be like my mum and bring my kids up by myself if i had to 
kinda offtopic 