In our culture having sabr tends to be almost exclusively applicable to wives (or generally females) and I was taught the desi explanation of it as being to **have patience and/or silently endure.. **
Came across this in a religious forum and thought it was really interesting, a total clash with the definition most Pakistanis/Indians/Bangladeshis are taught.. (I say this because I don’t know of any other culture that promises an oppressed or neglected wife ‘reward’ by Allah if she stays put and does nothing).. This is a post in reply to the general topic of wives obeying husbands in Islam and if/when does sha have the right to divorce if he is mistreating her:
'sorry bro but I’ve heard the same stuff you are saying about staying in an abusive marriage to get “reward for your suffering” time and again, and it IS used A LOT to tell women to stay in abusive marriages, including marriages where women are being beaten by their husbands, and when they are suffering mental abuse. So you can hardly be surprised that this is an emotive topic. I agree that couples shouldn’t divorce at the first sign of trouble, but we’re not talking about trouble, we’re talking about abuse and oppression. You speak of shades of grey, and I agree, but what’s being spoken of in this thread is not shades of grey, but abuse and oppression.
What sis Asiya is saying about a good Muslim acting to STOP OPPRESSION (of any kind) is a vitally important message that you and a lot of other brothers need to think about, before telling people they will be rewarded for their sabr for staying in an abusive marriage.
Divorce is a last resort, but a woman in an abusive marriage should not wait to take steps to stop the abuse, including getting her male relatives to advise the husband that what he’s doing is wrong, seeking scholars to tell him the same, asking him to get counselling so he can get over whatever psychological issues he has that make him abuse her and to help him to stop doing it. If these steps don’t work, then there’s divorce. But I am sick to death of hearing this “you’ll be rewarded for your patience” time and again, to justify oppression.
**You know what the Qur’an says about oppression? “Oppression is worse than killing” - think about that. If someone could do something to prevent murder, then they should do that, shouldn’t they? So we should do whatever we can to stop oppression, both on a large scale (e.g. when one country oppresses another) and on a small scale (when one individual oppresses another). **
How can someone get reward for LETTING themselves be oppressed when they can stop it? That’s not patience, that’s inaction. Sabr in Arabic doesn’t translate exactly as patience (as in the English word) it’s better translated as “patient perseverence” i.e. keep trying to do something about it. NOT sit and do nothing and hope for a miracle or for someone else to come and rescue you.
Brothers like you that can potentially do a LOT to help women who are in abusive marriages, by trying to change the attitudes of other brothers, and especially the young, unmarried brothers - and just by ensuring that all the brothers you know realise that a) a husband oppressing the wife is wrong, no ifs, no buts… and b) women DON"T have to put up with it (and as I explained, not putting up with it doesn’t mean getting divorced immediately, there are other steps that should be taken before that, and if the husband is willing to take those steps and do something about his behaviour, then the marriage can be saved inshaAllah, but if the husband refuses to change, or refuses to even admit that his behaviour is wrong, then divorce is the only way out) - brothers like yourself can be involved in educating these abusive husbands about the rights of their wife and the consequences (in this life and the next) if they continue the way they are. - As long as there is any tolerance for abuse and oppression from the husband, and while people are telling women that it’s better to put up with it than get divorced (which is not true), then there will continue to be a problem with domestic abuse.
As for staying in an abusing marriage for the sake of the kids, here are some reasons why that is a BAD idea:
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seeing the mother beaten and abused can have serious long term psychological consequences on children, such as post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety problems, drug problems, eating disorders etc.
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men who beat their wives are a lot more likely to beat their kids, and if the child is also beaten and abused then increases the likelyhood of the child having long term psychological problems and the problems will likely be worse than in a child who just witnesses violence against their mother.
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girls who see their mother being beaten and abused by their father are far more likely than average to end up in abusive marriages themselves
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boys who see their mother being beaten and abused by their father are far more likely than average to end up being an abusive husband
3 and 4 are because children learn how to behave in a marriage by observing how their parents behave. By getting out of the marriage and raising your kids in a safe household at least you are teaching them that their father’s behaviour is NOT acceptable and your sons are less likely to copy that aspect of their father’s behaviour, and your daugthers are more likely to take steps to stop oppression rather than putting up with it because they feel weak and that’s all their good for and that they can’t get out. Seeing how the parents are also teaches kids, subconsciously, how men and women should be, so by observing your husband beat you half to death, your children learn that this is how a husband and wife SHOULD be, and that affects everything from their choice of partner to how they behave in their own marriage. In addition, by getting out you are greatly reducing the risk of long term psychological problems, so whatever way you look at it, it’s better for the kids. This advice, as I said, applies to an abusive marriage, not the minor difficulties that every married couple faces. And of course, if through education and speaking to scholars and counsellors the abusive husband can stop being an abusive husband then of course that’s better than divorce.’
The poster’s name is ‘Dhakkiya’ and she speaks a lot of sense imo (hope she doesn’t mind me posting this if she’s reading it).. I often wondered why the heck Allah would be ‘pleased’ with a wife who stayed around to be her husband’s punchbag or put up with other abuse..
(Not sure if I’m allowed to link to the forum so I’ll leave it for now but if the mods want me to I can add the source)
