Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, & now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning & a good ending; & to have the 2 as close together as possible.
George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad 1, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now & then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all 4 essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar & fat.
Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
Until I was 13, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winsto n Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at 50… But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal