**Ya we have considered him working other places.. He is getting lots of luxury at the family place. he goes late and family is there to cover his lateness. He takes off on random days and they accomodate. Yet he is so unappreciative
First of all, he needs to find a place to work, which he doesnt do. He doesnt have US bachelors degree so whatever job he finds will be like chauffer or gas station... which I dont want. It upsets me that he has it so well working at the shop but doesnt appreciate.
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**Diamond, she does not want him to work as a chauffer...they are doing ehsaan on him for their daughter and if they are doing ehsaan, do ethics allow us to put some onedown because you have done favors to him?....leave their relationship aside...if you cant be neutral then dont do favours as simple as that....and she should definitely let her husband be a chauffer and not feel ashamed of it...let him see what kind of problems he will face when he gets out of their family business....he'll be fine
having said that, he is bound to respect her parents and she n her parents are bound to respect him....and forget the ehsaan part for God's sake...this would only destroy her relationship with him....
**Ya we have considered him working other places.. He is getting lots of luxury at the family place. he goes late and family is there to cover his lateness. He takes off on random days and they accomodate. Yet he is so unappreciative
First of all, he needs to find a place to work, which he doesnt do. He doesnt have US bachelors degree so whatever job he finds will be like chauffer or gas station... which I dont want. It upsets me that he has it so well working at the shop but doesnt appreciate.
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Diamond, she does not want him to work as a chauffer...they are doing ehsaan on him for their daughter and if they are doing ehsaan, **do ethics allow us to put some onedown because you have done favors to him?....leave their relationship aside...if you cant be neutral then dont do favours as simple as that....and she should definitely let her husband be a chauffer and not feel ashamed of it...let him see what kind of problems he will face when he gets out of their family business....he'll be fine
having said that, he is bound to respect her parents and she n her parents are bound to respect him....and forget the ehsaan part for God's sake...this would only destroy her relationship with him....
completely agree with you on the high-lightened part ! thats what I said she should speak with both her parents & her husband and request them to respect each other or things can get really bad.
If I were you, I would take them out to a causal day out. So he get to be more comfortable with your mother.
Give him some time I think the "In-Laws" relationships take time to settle in. As time goes on he will see that your mother genuinely cares about him and he will starting acting more like a son than a damad. But then again I am not married so what would I know... :D
Best way to avoid any such future incidents is to keep family out of business. Have proper business structure defined (like who is manager, who is supervisor, who is worker etc) and then follow it strictly. So if your mom is manager, make it clear to your husband that if she is asking for something thats included in his duty, he has to obey that not because she is MIL, but because she is Manager. Similarly, If your husband has done his 8 hours, your mom should not ask him to stay and work for hour more "because" of some family reason.
My sister in law and one of my cousin works me and we are following system completely. So if my sister-in-law is supposed to meet some deadline, she does not give me reason "xxx bhai because you were at our place for dinner, I was unable to finish it" and I dont ask my cousin to work off hours for me just because he is visiting my place
Thank you guys for everyones help. Seeing my situation from other's perspective really helps. Yes I do think he feels like my parents are doing ehsan on him and wants to work someplace else to prove himself. But I get scared that people will say.. why is ur husband working outside when he can work at the shop? People will smell that something is wrong and spread rumors.. yes our community is that dirty.
i told my husband, work here temporarily till he completes his degree and then he can go out and do a good job. But i have also left it upto him... if he wants, he can find a job. I will feel hurt, so will my parents.. but i guess i gotta toughen up and deal with it.
THANKS SO MUCH for all ur help! its truly invaluable!
Thank you guys for everyones help. Seeing my situation from other's perspective really helps. Yes I do think he feels like my parents are doing ehsan on him and wants to work someplace else to prove himself. But I get scared that people will say.. why is ur husband working outside when he can work at the shop? People will smell that something is wrong and spread rumors.. yes our community is that dirty.
i told my husband, work here temporarily till he completes his degree and then he can go out and do a good job. But i have also left it upto him... if he wants, he can find a job. I will feel hurt, so will my parents.. but i guess i gotta toughen up and deal with it.
THANKS SO MUCH for all ur help! its truly invaluable!
Could it be that someone from the community/friends is already "working" on him?
I once worked with/for my relatives (not in-laws though) and after couple of months I realized that no matter how much I contribute in the business, the people in “Khandaan” would always think that they have obliged me and my work would go unnoticed, so I moved out.
I personally think the longer he stays in the same job the more potential things have to get complicated.
Yeah, I'd say he feels like less of a man. He probably feels like he himself is not providing for you and that really it is still your parents who are providing for you. I'd say he sounds a little insecure maybe? It seems like his self worth is low. Men guage so much of their self worth on how well they can provide for us (women) and how well they can keep us happy. Maybe if he continues to work with your parents, tell them to make it like a real job for him (cause no real job lets you take tons of time off or come in late). Tell them to start enforcing rules (such as starting on time etc). Also ask them to praise him when he makes valid contributions. Encourage him to start his own initiatives etc. If he feels like he is truly contributing, his attitude may change drastically. He will feel worthwhile and like he is important. He has to feel important.
Or you can suggest he try a different job. If he goes and works somewhere else, you'll be able to see how he fares. If he blossoms and does well, getting promoted etc, you'll know that the above was the problem. If he gets fired or stays stagnant, you'll see that he is a lazy butt. Pray that isn't the case.
Did he have a career plan for North America (I'm assuming thats where you live)? What did he think he would do to earn money when he got here? I have a friend who's parents arranged her to a cousin. My friend is amazing, charismatic and has a great career. Her husband (who is still in PK) has a lackluster job there and has no career plans for when he gets here. It's not like he is even trying to devise a plan for when he gets here. How does he think he is going to take care of his wife? That is his religious responsibility! Grr.
ya i think i agree with gorilady.. i should tell my parents to give him more responsibility and praise him as well. his mom passed away when he was reall young.. so i had thought maybe he will consider my mom like his own and they wud get along real well..I talk to his father and brothers really well.
and ya.. I have lots of future plans. do real well in college and just passed entrance exam for med school.. and he doesnt have a bachelors degree.. the fact that he doesnt even try to get one here upsets me.. I have to find out everything about applications etc and do for him. I have enough on my hands.. lol i love how this is turning out to be a rant..
but yes i do understand all the points that maybe its a better idea for him to work some place else. mixing family and business is not a good idea. wish i dint get into this mess in the first place.
