Will you let your future wife work??

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21

Dear CM

You have asked the right question at the right time. I am saying this because. Insha Allah, I will be getting married this November. Lately, I have been giving this matter a great deal of thinking. Earlier (before getting engaged 17 months ago), I was of the opinion that both husband and wife should work. At that time I based my opinion on the most important thing, the economic problem. Keeping in view the economic condition of Pakistan, it’s hard to make both ends meet with a single income. But now, as I have been giving more realistic thinking on this matter I come to the conclusion that I wont let my wife work. This again is based on the two things. Firstly, I will be migrating to Canada and I don’t want to see her working there. Secondly, I foresee a better future there which intern will put a favorable effect my financial and monitory condition, therefore, I would not let her work. Specially in a foreign country where my kids would grow up, I would definitely need her to stay beside him / her and give attention to him / her and resolve their problems and protect them from a foreign and more open culture. Alteast in the initial stages of their lives, so that know the difference b/w good and bad and could adhere to their religion and teachings.

Who would not like to have extra money falling in their pockets? More money means more luxury but when one looks at the price one have to pay for it. It’s better to keep life as simple as possible and concentrate more on family values. I would like to say this that I am not against working women but if its is at the expense of my family life I would certainly not permit that.

Thanks

Allah Hafiz

22

Mariah:

[quote]
However what if your wife was in the same type of employment you are in, or even in a higher position, who would be expected to leave their job in order to look after the child??( when you had one)
[/quote]

Ha ha, nice one Mariah, stick it to Fraudia where it hurts.

Seriously, I think that where you get 2 partners both in work there has to be some share in responsibilites for house work. I would certainly help clean the dishes by eating all the food and leaving as little washing up as possible. Also, I would gladly buy nappies/diapers and leave the missus in peace and quiet while she changed them. It's the new age and it's all about sharing responsisbilities :)

23

Well Mariah question first.
I would expect my wife to quit.
2 reasons, male ego, i won't let my wife work for me, while i stay at home.
I am a chauvinist, and won't play the husband at home.
2nd i would marry a pakistani, thus it is normal (my assumption) that my wife will rather stay at home with the new kid.
A simple pakistani women trait that kids are more important than work.
This is the abosulte truth.
Let the insults rain.

CM, maybe if you give a lot of importance to your future wife's job as a mother and home builder she will be happy to stay at home and raise kids.

Shirin it is paramount, in my opinion, that a wife's first job or responsibility is to her children and home.
Screw the husband for now.
So importance is to weak a word to show how much i consider a wife's work at home.
If i am working, i don't think my wife should go out to work and leave the kids and home in someone elses hands.
What i think a wife's repsonsbilities should be are as follows.
1. Kids
2. Home
3. Husband
Forget working outside unless the kids are teenagers ie 13 plus.

CM: You think it would be too much for your wife to do the housework and the "professional" work. Well, I believe housework should be shared.

Brainy - do you mind i call you that??
Housework should be shared, but i will not accept that i come home from work to a house littered with stuff, so that we can do it together.
I will do the usual, dust, washing drying etc.
I would want a clean house when i come home, and will help out with the nightly chores of washing the dishes and stuff.
I will help out on the weekends.
But my wife will have to do most of the work as being a house wife.
As for professional work.
i won't let her work if there are any kids.
If they are no kids, then she can get a - less hours than me - jobs.

Attracion, congrats on the engagement.
I agree with what you say, in a foriegn country i would rather have my wife with my kids than working outside.
Which you the best in the future.

Fraudia, so you agree that you wouldn't let you wife work like a western women works.
I personally see that a desi women working as a teacher is the best job.
2 reasons, they teach basically desi stuff, like udru or religious studies.
2nd this way the wifes are home earlier than the husbands and take care of the home before he arrives.

I hope this answers everybodies questions.

CROIRE A L'INCROYABLE

24

CM, while home and children are important I disagree that my husband can be put to the side until I have a free moment for him - too much to do , if I don't put him high on the priority list what happens??????

A father needs to be mature enough to know that while children are small and unable to wait for attention he will have to be patient. But he, like any other human being, and like his wife, needs to know he is special to another person. Children can drive a couple apart, but taken wisely and with maturity they can also bind them together. And a husband, when he becomes a father, needs to know, be it only by small actions and soft words, that he is still important to the others in the family. And sometimes (even if it's rarely) his needs can take precedence over the others.

25

Thank you CM for congragulating me

wish you best of luck in future too

26

Mariah and CM

Hypothetical situations are very hard to answer because they are hypothetical and thats about it.

In general I would not like to be at home and raise kids because #1 I am not good at it #2 I have to work, or I will get bored to death #3 I am the primary breadwinner for the family.

Other people have different choices, I know of someone who's mother was a physician and father an independent consultant. He opened his office in home and worked from there when teh kids were school age because it served their needs.

As far as what if I had married someone who was in a different field? well looking at a number of couples I know where the parents are both physicians. I had told everyone early on that did not want to marry someone who was in such a field.

On the other hand I was involved with someone who was an archeologist and although it did not work out, had it worked out she would have been on digs worldwide quite often and we would have to make very different choices.

Its the ability to make logical, balanced choices keeping the bigger picture in mind and the wishes of everyone involved...and this factor will vary siginificantly from situation to situation.

27

Yeah Xtreme, you sound just like my other half!!

But to tell you the truth Yours and CMs views are the majority view held by males.

Personally I myself would take time off for my child and if any problems arose I would leave work, only for my child, no one else.

Call me old fashioned but I would stay at home with my child if there were not going to be any financial difficulties arising, which inshallah will not be the case.

But then I also have good old mum and dad to rely on so it may not be as bad as I think.

Actually I have been thinking of changing profession, but not yet.

I also believe that none of you guys would marry a girl who was educated to a higher degree than yourself, as this also hurts the "ego".

But I still think no matter what the differences, if there are difficulties they can be mutually decided on by both parties.

28

I think it's such a misgiuded opinion that if a woman is working outside t/ house, t/ couple is in dire financial need. This is so not true.

Most Women I know work & want to work to get a broader sense of life other than their own " chaar deewarii". To know what's going on in t/ outside world other than what's shown on t/ T.V.

But I also agree that once you have kids everything changes. & To provide a loving & nurturing environment, free of babysitters should be Top priority.

By t/ way, why do Pakistani people have babies right away??( 9th mont after t/ weddingin most cases)

Why not try to spend some time w/ each other & get to know each other specially in arranged ( or othrwise) marriages? Say after a couple of years or so, what's t/ rush anyway??

If a girl is formally educated in a competeive field , what's so wrong for her to go & work outside t/ house b-4- having kids?

I think t/ phrase "Letting my Wife work" is insulting to women to begin w/ as it makes them sound like cattle waiting to be leasehd or unleashed!

29

[quote]
Originally posted by FunkyDesi:
**I think it's such a misgiuded opinion that if a woman is working outside t/ house, t/ couple is in dire financial need. This is so not true.

Most Women I know work & want to work to get a broader sense of life other than their own " chaar deewarii". To know what's going on in t/ outside world other than what's shown on t/ T.V.

**
[/quote]

Yeah you`re right, atleast in my case anyway. Its just that some people misinterpret this as giving to much "azaadi", and so when people start talking trouble occurs.

30

WHats up MODS?
How come no answer for me?

What did you guys do to my reply????????

31

Salaam everyone:
I have been following these posts with a lot of interest, because I have been through some unfortunate instances in my life after which I am convinced that a woman's place is not just home and hearth. To explain why I think this way, I will have to share some very personal information with you, but if that's what is going to take to drive my point home, I don't mind doing it. I was married at age 18 (soon after finishing 'A' levels). I had all that a woman could ask for.. a loving husband, a comfotrable home, friends, relatives..the whole nine yards. Mine was a life of total bliss. I never thought of going back to school to do anything further. My husband was a pysician, earning well and I didn't think I would ever have to go out to work.......WRONG!!!! Two years after we were married, my husband passed away, victim of a car accident involving a drunk driver. My life took a 180 degree turn overnight.
all of a sudden I had to start thinking about how I was going to support myself. Although my family gave me their maximum support, I did not want to be a burden on anyone, so I decided to go back to school. That is how I landed in the States. I have a degree in comp science from NYU and I work as an applications developer with EPA. I met my husband here in the US, have been married for about nine years now. my husband and I were in Saudi Arabia for sometime, where I could not work because of the local laws against women working in offices. that made me extremely uncomfortable..so much so that I forced my husband to return to the US. I felt extemely insecure sitting at home. It hasn't been easy for me to manage home and work and children, but that inconvenience is a small price to pay for my mental well being. Thank goodness I have a very loving and understanding husband, who has always been very supportive of my career development. Most of all, I know that god forbid, if I am ever in a situation where I have to fend for myself, I will be able to do it. So to all those married guys, and those who intend to get married, don't create a hindrance in your wife's career plans if she has any. You never know what tomorrow holds for you.

Antidote

32

Shirin, i get what you are saying, but i would personally play second fiddle if a kid needed help.
I didn't mean you completely ignore him.
But give your attention on merit.
If the kids need it more at that moment, than that is where you go.
This of course is a personal opinion.

Attraction, no problem.
I am a complete jack ass on the politics sections, but that doesn't mean i can't be nice elsewhere.

I also believe that none of you guys would marry a girl who was educated to a higher degree than yourself, as this also hurts the "ego".

Mariah education and work are two different things.
If my wife is smarter than me, and says something smart, i would go around saying she is my wife.
I would want an educated and intelligent wife.
No ego problem there.
She can be a PhD i wouldn't care at all.
I would want an educated wife, so i don't have to take all the issues/problems all on my own shoulders.
In pakistan people think having an educated women is like having a snake in bed.
But i believe an educated wife is an asset.
You can delegate issues and problems to her and have no worries about her accomplishing them.

Antidote condolenses will be the first order of business.
But confusing work with education is not the point of the post.
I am 100% behind women getting a education further than 12th grade.
MA is essential if you can do it.
But i still won't allow my wife to work ** if there are kids**.
That is my personal opinion.
As being a hinderance, many pakistani women do choose to stay at home instead of working.
Like you did before the cruel accident.
Out of the 100% of female doctors pakistan produces only 15% come out as part of the work force.
Around 65% decide to stay home and take care of the family.
The rest of the 20% are restricted by the husband.
This is an easy example of how much of the female population by their own choice stay at home.

$ did your post actually show up at the post in the first place.
If your explorer or communicator crasher, then there is very little chance that the post did not show up here.
The mod's here are very good.
I can easily bet my money that they are finding out what happened to it right now.
So be patient.

CROIRE A L'INCROYABLE

33

CM

I know what happened to it. And no......my browser didn't crash on me cuz i saw it here on the thread. I just want to know from the person why did they delete it?

34

Ofcourse!, as long as she gives ample time to the kids.

I have seen aunties that are housewives and others that work. * Usually * working women are smarter, spend less time talking on the phone, and raise their kids better.

AOA,
Yahya

35

hmmmm, welll if she asks my OPINION, i,d say no, cos i wont b comfortable with her working, but if she wants to, i will never say no,its her choice, and yes we we,ll split the daily household chores, even if she is a housewife and i,m a working husband, i,ll help her as much as i can, personally i think i,ll b more SUGGHARR than my wife, hehehe cos i,m used to doing everything myself, being a student here in australia, cleaning cooking, washing clothes, doing the dushes, rents , bills, everything, and at the same time working and studying too, sooooooooo i guess after i get married, my work will decrease not increase, so i,ll b more than happy to share all the work with my wife,

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/soldier.gif

fly like a bee, sting a like a butterfly.

36

My thoughts exactly. For me,Kids come before career.

working women ARE smarter. I know lots of BEGUMS who do nothing but sit at home. Illiterate, mind u, and they STILL dont take care of the kids. The literate ones are too busy socializing and networking for heaven-knows what reason

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/frusty.gif

I work and will definitely want to work after i graduate -what my husband-to-be thinks is of little consequence at the moment . Heck, i’m not burning all my brain cells in university for nothing.

Besides, all u guys out there who feel that if a woman works, she wont take care of the kids, thats not true. I know from experience that working women are better at time management than those rich spoilt begums. And they value family-time more too. :cool:

37

Now mimi and prince_x, i wouldn't say that all women at home are rich spoiled begums and don't know how to manage a house.
Yes there are a few which i have seen.
But many women choose to stay at home as they value that higher than a job.
Would you call that being spoiled mimi?
I personally feel that the housewives provide more care and are always their for the kids, while those who work are constrainted by their jobs.
Say the kid has a problem while the mother is at work, the ayah or someone else would be there.
And in certain situations the need for the mother is far more important than how bad the incident was.
I hope you understand what i mean.
If you don't i will try to make it clearer.

CROIRE A L'INCROYABLE

38

In my opinion no human should be deprived of education or opportunities to expand based on gender. When it comes to females working, that varies with situations and individuals. It's something which meets a consensus upon the mutual consent of both the spouses. Drawing a bottom line on the issue would be a bit difficult. However, I do think that regardless of wether a female works or not after graduation, it is essential that she pursue a degree. Life is unpredictable. No one knows which card of luck they might get dealt the next moment. Therefore, it's better to be well prepared in advance. It's wise to carve the path for one's kids towards a safe and sound financial future, if something was to happen to either parent or both (God forbid).

Personally, growing up I always had a mother to come home to. For my siblings and I, it created an environment and atmosphere which we will cherish always no matter where the path of life takes us. The thoughts and habits instilled by a mother into her child are forever to stay. And mothers hold the power of doing wonders for their kids. Kids need 'em 24/7, wether they express it or not. It all comes down to the fact that family should be top priority. If work and career start getting in the middle of it, then they aren't worth it. A good home is created not purchased.

39

nope, not at all. If they CHOOSE to stay at home, then who’s to stop them? I have nothing against that. What offended me was the attitude that it is (ultimately) the husband’s decision whether his wife works or not. I was simply saying that not all housewives are good mothers,contrary to popular belief.

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/soldier.gif

Like i said earlier, i would value my kids more than my job too. And definitely, when i have kids, i want to be there at home for them. But what about before i have kids? Nothing’s going to stop me from working until then :slight_smile:

furthermore, the bringing up of children is not only the mother’s job. I know lots of working women and none of their children are “messed up” in any way. That’s because their fathers also make an effort to communicate with the kids. Its the whole familial environment that counts.

munnay kay abba ko bhi ghar main haath batana chahiyay :smiley:

[This message has been edited by Mimi (edited November 01, 2000).]

40

will i let my future wife work?
No
why? coz i have idea of having a house wife

i will really don't mind if she wants to finish her education but i will like her to stay home.

n this matter will be settled way before the marriage so there no disputes after ward coz i hate fighting