Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

Sehrysh: Thankyou for your views,No more dragging it IA

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

Err...whats so difficult?

  1. Ask him straight, if he wants to marry you. If yes, following two questions...

  2. You believe you must move abroad and he doesn't............. Breakup

  3. You can compromise on moving abroad and facing some financially tough time.......... don't breakup

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

Butt, don't confuse her now.

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Patience!Loads,yes! i’m already losing it.Thinking it’ll take so much longer.
Who doesn’t want to be a housewife!?(i do!) But I am doing what i am, for us.So that together we will be financially stable.If i stay here,more hard work for me.
Rest of the story i’m sure you know how it goes for beginner doctors in Pakistan!Sigh!
I wonder how you’ve managed,MA!
[/quote]

Took me 5 years to come at peace with it lol esp when I was not born or brought up here in Pakistan. He belongs to a small city,simple but highly educated family. He was in UK doing his specialization when we got engaged so all seemed favourable to my plans about life. He moved back for good overnight when his dad passes away and the decision shook me and my family a bit. I was in midst of preparing for plab and all and sub khatam. So you see its all qismat :slight_smile: I am not saying follow what I did. Just that if you break up on these basis,you are never sure about some other option being perfect either no matter how lucrative or suitable it might seem to be. Do an istakhara ?

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Oh and about doctors here, my husband us an assistant professor of surgery and still a beginner in terms of being sound financially :D

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

[quote="Paheli00, post:30, topic:289532"]

2) Forget the lack of "gifts/surprises". My husband isn't good at those things either but that doesn't mean he doesn't love me. You said you wanted a reason to end this? I'll give you a reason: This man doesn't respect you as his partner. He knows you want to move aboard. He clearly doesn't. Instead if DISCUSSING this with you so that you two can mutually agree to a solution.....he is being a coward and basically letting you know by his actions that it's either his way or the highway (ie. you can choose to give up your dreams OR find another man). He has made up his mind without talking to you.

my argument over this point is that how him not wanting to move abroad means that he doesn't respect her? can he not present the same argument that she is not respecting him or standing by his decision to stay back in Pakistan? i don't think the guy should be labelled coward for this. in fact to me he seems to be bold enough who is ready to take up the challenging life by deciding to stay back in his homeland. and why the question is raised on his intentions or commitments, OP mentioned that he did send his proposal 2 years back and was rejected by OP's family.
the another concern of OP that he is not assuring her by his actions that things will work out, again i think the guy himself is in uncertain position where he might not know himself how things will work out and hence not making any false promises to the OP and making her wait by giving her assurances, instead he has given her a freedom that she can move on if shes in a hurry.

Still my advise to OP is to do move on and break up with him but for the right reasons and i.e. her and his future goals are different and she has a right to chose an easy way out if she fears a life full of challenges and compromise if he marries him, but it should not be like finding the wrong reasons to end this or putting blame on his actions for the break up.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

back out annie.
if you were really into this, you wouldnt even come here to post.

your heart isnt in this anymore, it has been worn out and honestly, whenever it comes to love or arranged or whatever in pakistani girls' lives, one side of the pan balance is parents and the other is the significant other. at the moment, this significant other isn't worth upsetting your parents over at all! so back out.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

In a relationship where both people respect one another.....issues....especially major ones regarding where they will settle down is discussed and decided on a mutual basis. According to OP herself even thought he has told her he will work towards settling aboard, he has not done anything to prepare for it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him changing his mind. However...what is wrong and shows lack of respect is him not bringing this up and letting her know verbally that he has changed his mind OR that he's thinking of changing his mind.

He may be bold enough to make that decision to stay back....but he's not bold enough to actually share that decision with the woman he supposedly loves/respects. OP and the rest of us are left ASSUMING what's going through his mind based on his actions which do not match the words coming out of his mouth. And if he's not capable of sharing his thoughts and actually having a mature verbal discussion about something this big right now....it's certainly not going to change when it comes to other big issues after marriage.

Either way....as you stated already....their goals are different so it really doesn't matter how its worded. In order to go against one's parents for a guy...a girl needs to be darn sure that he will stick by her through thick and thin, and their future goals are identical. And in this case, this certainly isn't the guy that meets that criteria.

29

I tried my best to find some negative in the guy but I wasn't able to except for the fact that he perhaps does not want to move away from his folks just like u do not want to adjust on Pakistan with less earnings.

Apni apni priorities. You can talk one last time with him openly that this is what u want and this and only this can unite you 2. You have to convince him that moving out of country will better serve his goal of helping his folks. Oh and NO, if-u-love-me-more-then-move should not be one of your argument.

Other option is to talk to your parents but u wont do that too. Seems like only option you have left for yourself for this good rishta is to move out.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

Maybe he wants to get rid of you but wants you to break up with him. Sneaky.

But, it looks to me OP had already sortof/kinda made up her mind but just wanted someone 'unbiased' to tell her she can do ahead. And this is exactly what has happened here.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

I thought marriage was about sticking with someone through thick and thin. So now it looks like your future with him may be tied to Pakistan and you want to bail? Shame. Remember all the people who died for Pakistan and Jinnah's dream before you go entertaining rishtas just so you can get a visa to escape. Moreover, if you want to leave that bad, then get a job, and education, and bust your behind like he is and you'll see how hard it is to get a good opportunity abroad, even for doctors.

With doctors leaving Pakistan left and right, I'm actually proud of this guy for staying. Shows that he has character. And that's a man, that I would not leave. I'd be happy to set up a little apartment in Karachi somewhere and stay with a guy like that, actually.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

And furthermore, all the educated people that decided to stay in Pakistan are not worth marrying? God, I feel sorry for the men who are smart AND patriotic AND willing to live a more humble life in Pakistan.

At least he wont be running to America to start up a hospital that sends it’s rich elite patients home in limos after a hospital stay. :k:

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

And I can't believe the level of support here. Meanwhile, everyone else bangs on the heads of women who choose to work because those women are materialistic and selfish and place money/wealth/education over family, but then how is this any different? Women who leave men who want to stay in Pakistan and use their degrees for the locals, because that means she wont be a rich doctor's rich wife in America like all her sorority friends from IBA or convent school, aren't selfish and materialistic?

Next time the people who are posting here in support of the OP say ONE thing about a working woman, I'm pulling this post and slapping it in your face.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

Did you actually read the posts OP read? Given what she wrote (one of the sentences I'll actually quote below)......what makes you think that she's not educated or doesn't have a job or hasn't been busting her behind?


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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

Oh, ok, I take that back. Her own significant other may very well be feeling the heat and wants to stay in Pakistan instead of taking more time (probably years in research etc) to try for a position abroad, or wants to stay out of Pakistan because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO darnit, when you leech off a nation and get education AND have an opportunity to stay and give back to the community, she wants to take the first opportunity and dip.

I'm sure, she could find another doctor who will take her to brighter greener pastures. In the process, she can keep herself busy with doctoring, which seems like she isn't sincere about in the first place.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

Let me tell ya, annie. If you have this sense deep down you're being selfish...you probably are. :) Doctors inherently have this ticking sense of self-responsibility for their decisions, no matter how garbage those decisions are. It's a curse, welcome to the cult.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

PyariCgudia: Thankyou for your views,much appreciated.You do have very valid points.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

Hope things work out for the best for you.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

This. Short and spot on response.

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Re: Will i be doing the right thing by breaking up with him?

Thread locked per OP's request.