Assalaam Guppies,
My apologies, Im really very sorry. I still have a cold lung infection, taken antibiotics twice but it still wont go away. On Jumah, inshallah I have to go for x-ray of lungs, to make sure Im not drowning…rofl.
Life is a series of events. But, if you have too many misfortunes and personal losses, it does emotionally cripple you. For some, especially women, the very idea of a second divorce is totally UNBEARABLE.
Now my best friend, she is also pathani by origin. Good looking, bold and intelligent. Became the president of pathans at merely age of 18. It was unheard! Her father supported her and she was very active in our government as adviser to the minister of Interior affairs. I cant speak 7-8 languages, but she does, even Punjabi!
Why does she endure? Caz she chose him herself. She tried the arranged thing and her ex used her to get green card. He even got his family settled abroad with her help. He was into disco and gori women with kids. Later on he became a criminal and she was strong enough to divorce him. It took her several years to come over the past.
We used to talk about rishtay and naseeb. I guess, she was very fond of her second husband’s personality, the way he would talk and convey his thoughts. I cant say it was love marriage, but rather a marriage of mature age and decision. They lived apart in two separate countries, had their families involved but still, it just went wrong.
Well, what else should I do when she trusts me? I listen to her by simple rule of active listening and support her regardless whatever she decides. She doesn’t need to be judged or hurt by my opinions. I pray, she starts her own process of healing and letting go.
She just wants a child now. I know, she is a strong woman, able to live alone and control her desires because she has been burned severely… I once joked, that she could have any man she wanted… Green eyes and light brown blondish hair color, who wouldn’t as Desi, want her for wife? I have seen at her work place, how the European men turn their neck around…lol
Her brother sent her to a shrink last week. She has lost lot of weight, seems highly depressed, and same time coping it all by being a workaholic. I mean, seriously… She studies full time and got a part time job besides it.
I have talked with her husband and he is just way too intelligent for me to argue with. He slams references of Quran, Hadice and moral values. He cant see what he did or does, is all beyond Islam. He refuses to send talaq. I guess, when her family takes her to Sheikh, he gets away with paying half the mehr! Very cunning, isn’t it?
The huge problem is, they are of different sects. Now when they fight, he threatens her with all hell, because when Sheikh becomes to know the truth, her entire Society or social surroundings will hear about it. I know, she would rather die than bring more embarrassments upon her family! Her eldest brother beat her up the other day, because he was so frustrated. Their mother has diabetes and she is really not well after this second tragedy. Aunt fell x III times last week, almost broke her legs.
I pray for her mental health. Time does not heal all wounds. Since he has not sent the allowance to her, the divorce process will take place very soon. I don’t wish it for my worst enemy, to hear a sister/friend cry the way she does. He could HAD married his second wife without dragging his first wife to foreign country and shame her like that. I know, he threatened to send her back within merely TEN days of marriage. He wanted time for himself, she was too demanding! I bet, he doesn’t wish it for his own sister to find used lingeries when its suppose to best time as newly wed…
Perhaps, it is easier for him to be a good husband to second wife because he did not take any money from her (she is broke and can hardly speak English). Some men can not respect intelligent companion, thus they abuse them. They fear competition. My friend had her own Business in the past. Now she is minded to open a new company when she is done with studies. I guess, she fills the gap with practical things, stable things.
And I swear on Kaaba, this IS A TRUE STORY. I’m even her relative, cousin. Please pray for her and her family. Khala is very upset and suffering because she cant help her own daughter. I heard her crying at nights, was sleeping over at their place. She has no voice, constant crying has put too much on throat. Her brothers asked if I could spend some time with her, when she is not working herself to death… I cant stop crying myself at times, when she tells me the death of her father was not as heavy on her (though she was totally down for over 3 years when her dad died), as the sorrow of loosing a husband, she loved/trusted/adored… That he was a father figure to her and the loss seems too unbearable.
Look buddies, he KNEW she was extra sensitive being a divorcée and also “yatiim”. He cares for his second wife, she had a divorce without “rukhsati” because they found out in time, the man was fraudia, he didn’t tell he had been married a couple of times and got kids too. I think, it IS much harder to eat the humiliation of choosing on your on and listening to smart aunties and their clever remarks…you should had let your family chose the guy…you had no business to decide on your own..etc..its a killer!
Some of my friends don’t like other communities, or “clans”, so now they blame her because she chose a Punjabi guy, while they are pathans…so they claim the other party often mislead women etc. My cousins would eat his lever, but since their mother is not well, their hands are ties, as long as she lives. Of caz, this wont be forgotten at any price. Allah is all knowing and All seeing…
What goes around, comes around.
I believe in Karma, he cant run from it.
This earth is Nirvana and hell, all depending on your choices made in life.
Most of you are perhaps single. Can you imagen to know more than one man/woman your entire life? So if she is forced to take talaq, there is still no guarantees for success. And I know, she is a very “ghairatmand” woman, cant tolerate to hear any low remarks etc. She is financially strong etc. Why even try to explain to a third husband, whatever happened? He will always doubt her character and moral values. Divorce is a huge personal shame! Its a sign of failure. Its a sign of being from a weak family, which they are not. They agreed to let her marry this guy because they wanted her to be happy.