I have received this post from another member via PM. Posting it here for informational and discussion purposes.
The first word a kid usually learns is “no”, either in gesture or in spoken form. Unsurprisingly, this is because that’s the word they listen most often when they start to understand words. Parents dish out this word very frequently, even recklessly, because it seems the right thing to do at that time. And if you are a parent, or about to become one, or considering to be one at any point, you need to understand how to use the word.
Lets look at an example. Two of my friends got married at around the same time. Both of them married girls who are highly educated. Both had a son as their first-born. Both kids are now about two years old. Both sets of parents live away from extended families (who are in Pakistan) so in lieu both sets of parents read a bunch of self-help books on how to raise a healthy happy baby. And to be fair, they both do a reasonable job in this department. Except with one big difference. The use of ‘no’. This is an interesting story in contrast, and may be, at first glance you won’t find anything wrong with either approaches.
In our first case, when the parents see their toddler do something undesirable, they say ‘no’ very politely and very lovingly. The kid looks at them and makes a face, they say ‘no’ again. The kid begins to make a sobbing face because he really wants to do it. The parents gesture ‘no’ again, and at this point the child starts crying. At this point, the parents either give up and let the child do what he wanted to do, or shift to Plan ‘B’: distraction. All child psychology book have the classic advice to parents that they should distract the kid. So one of the parents will get up, and offer the child an alternative, which may be a candy in the kitchen, a story book, a new toy, or anything else that will distract the child.
Contrast that with the second set of parents. When they see their child attempting to do something undesirable, they say ‘no’, very politely and very lovingly. And here is the surprising part. On the first ‘no’, the child simply moves on to something else.
Why is that?
Well, you may think that each child is different, so the second one may be smarter and that is why he understands quickly. I thought so too, and that may very well be true. However, over a period of several months I have noticed many sets of parents resolve situations involving their kids, and I believe this is a case of how to use ‘no’, properly. From the beginning, we have noticed that the second child in our example is never offered a more enticing alternative after a ‘no’. He is not offered a cuddly hug, or more attention or a candy or a toy. The ‘no’ is a firm ‘no’, and the child knows there is no point negotiating and thus moves on. The first child, on the other hand, is being programmed, intuitively, that if he makes a crying face, or starts crying, he will get something fun as an alternative, or will be allowed to do what he wanted to do in the first place. Obviously he, therefore, cries a lot, creating more problems for the parents.
The first thing to remember is, not every situation requires a ‘no’. Don’t say ‘no’ as a first reaction and then start ponder over the situation. No one likes to see their kids make a mess of their clothes by playing in mud, but if you planned to wash the clothes later on anyway, may as well allow the kid to do what he likes. If the child wants to play with a fork, and you think it is dangerous, then you may just quietly replace it with a small spoon, without ever saying ‘no’. If the child wants to play with the light switch, most likely he will get bored after the fourth try, so really no harm done. There are countless ways where you can just avoid saying ‘no’. Excessive use of the word just makes it difficult for the parents to resolve more complex situations, where ‘no’ may be the only answer. If you are not sure what should be an appropriate response, just chat with your child for a moment, while gathering your thoughts, or if your child is old enough and asks for something you are not sure about, say something like “let me think about it”.
More importantly, if you actually have to use the word ‘no’ to a two-year old, make sure you are firm. The worse thing you will do is to offer bribes to make the ‘no’ palatable. The child should be programmed to understand that crying (which is really the only negotiation tactic known to a child) is not going to get him a better alternative. A ‘no’ is always a firm ‘no’. Move on. Get busy with something else. Don’t expect a candy.
Naturally, a parent will hardly be perfect. There will be situations where you can’t be consistent, and that is alright too. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you flip-flop. You do the best you can. “Terrible Twos” is regarded as one of the most problematic age for toddlers, but interestingly your child’s early programming starts way before that and you only see the results when they are two. Try to program them the right way and all of you will be happier.