hi!!!
dont take me wrong, but Iam so pissed off at this time, my sister just got married and its so hard for her, like too much silent politics going on in the house, she does every single stuff and hardly appreciated by anyone in the house, moreover if once a week she goes out with hubby no body is happy at that whereas the same mother father wants their own dauughters to be away from thei inlaws and daughters visiting every other day.I just cant digest all this unfairness, any comments on how to deal such situations and how a new bride would handle all this, all sincere advices welcome and i would really appreciate your sharing.
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
to be very very honest, and as a married woman myself, i would not appreciate my family members telling me how to go abouts handling situation in my susral
at times my mom does try to help and i appreciate it very very much, but only I KNOW how to handle ppl i am living with.. its not so easy to understand standin outside and looking in, into a situation.
just show ure sister support, give a positive spin off on things cuz that really really helps… adn tell her no problem is new, problems with in laws is an ancient tradition.
i know u mean well and would like to fix things for her.. but outside interference rarely helps.. i know sometimes i get double frustrated if i have issues at home, and then my mom trying to help, and me wanting to follow that help but realizing it wont work.. its not the best feeling… ive found it MUCH more effective thinking with my own head and finding solutions since only i know my in laws well enuff.
no hard feelings 
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
Your sister just got married...the relationship is too new.
She can fight with them but that will damage relations with them permanently.
She can cultivate her relationship with them for a while and based on that do things her way. It takes time to get there but she will get there. Keep trying and dont give up.
However, Khawateen is right. Do NOT say anything that will push her to do something. Offer support, encouragement and keep her smiling. The thing you have to understand is that you're not living there and dont know her life as well. She has to find her way herself, all you do is tell her to be patient and try harder.
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
Khwa- Good point but you know how to deal with your inlaws because you have spent time with them and gotten to know them better.
this girl is saying her sister is newly married and i don't think she knows the family members too well yet. with time i am sure she will but for now, she sounds like a newly married bride confused and upset at this because neither she was expecting it or maybe even imagined they would restrict her this way. i think almost every new bride goes through it, it's not easy as it is to be away from your family and trying to adjust in a new place with so many people. on top of that, if they start being unfair in these ways then it becomes even more stressful causing one to try finding out the solution desperately. afra, has she tried speaking to her husband about this issue? what does he say? she needs to have the basic understanding with her husband and be able to explain to him what she's going through so he can make things better. he's the only link between the inlaws and her.
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
Khawateen, the poster - not in general, makes sense :k:
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
shay: yup totally... when i first got married, oh my god the thoughts that went thru my mind bout my in laws and my husband and the country and the home... horrific :D but my anchor was my bro.. and he never ever bad mouthed my in laws.. he always said.. look.. i dont know ure situation.. i can only judge from what ure telling me.. and i will not pass any judgement on that cuz its unfair to listen to one side of the story... he would always put a positive twist on things.. it would further piss me off but when i would think bout it.. it would cool me down too... it took me a yr to get comfy.. and what he had said right in the beginning, came true...
he said... u will make and break opinions bout everyone u are living with right now, cuz u are new.. everyday u will reach a decision bout someones personality but when tomorrow comes, u will find ureself doubting ure decision and take ... then u will form a new opinion bout that person.. and this is how it will be until u find a place for urself in that new home of ures...
and that is exactly how it went... one day i hated everyone.. one day i thought everyone was sweet.. one day i thought i was gonna run away... but now after nearly 2 yrs of marriage and living with the in laws.. i can safely say i have found my place and gotten to know them for who they are...
you can ofcourse talk to ure husband.. but i can tell from experience, as loving and understanding as my husband was and is, if i had complained to him morning noon and night.. he woulda hated my guts.. abhi abhi ayi ho, and already bad mouthing my folks.. u dont even know them.. give it time woman... PATIENCE.. it took a lot of patience.. i really had to choose what i would complain bout and what to keep quiet bout... he respects me for that.. actually.. the fact that i wouldnt complain made him extra sensitive and saw things from my point of view, without me even asking for it.. that was amazing :)
in a nutshell... when ure a new bride in a new place with new ppl.. .its so easy to be sensitive bout EVERYTHING said and done that u form opinions... but if u just keep ure mind open, u will find ureself seeing the situation in a new light.. .just requires some patience, understanding, THINKING, and positive support from ure own family (mom, dad, siblings)
:)
p.s) yes there are in laws taht are pure evil (or bahus for that matter), but lets not go there right now.. she is newly married and doesnt know her in laws that well.. yet. give it time.. and them, benefit of the doubt
well I do agree with all of u, khawateen u r so true,Iam married too but never had a chance to be in a joint family, but now as I see my sister , just couldnt bare things at times,I dont take any reactive steps or measures guiding her other than just getting tensed ,thats whats happening now and Iam awake so late wandering abt it.In other words just trying to console my own grief,.She do share with her hubby and he truly understand, hes quiet understanding but she dont get much appreciation from rest of the family members for what she does, my question is should she get or its ok if she dont ...?I try to support and cheer her, shes really coping up with that. what do u think a sister or mom of newly wed should react to such things and howmange them?
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
Alright lets not get carried away and make it sound like the joint family system is the root of all evil. People come in all shapes and sizes - and mentality. You could get an a-hole of a husband and a supportive family, and a good husband and a bad family, and in the best case a good man and a good family. There always are two sides to every story, the problem could be with the man, the family or yes, the woman. Each situation has its own specifics, best not to generalize.
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
siblings and mothers and fathers of newly wedding girls will always worry.. my nani amma worried bout my mom even when my mom was a mother of 4 and married for 20 yrs 
its really sweet of u to be worried about ure sis.. andn i can understand why it is frustrating for u to understand .. as u have not lived in a joint family…
let me give u an example
i got to denmark a month before my sis in laws wedding.. i had a month to get to know my in laws, my husband and my sil… guests from abroad started coming exactly a month after my arrival.. now i had the extra pressure to get to knwo the extended family.. friends.. and build a strong relationship with everyone.. so i was out there entertaining from early morning to late at night… my sil mashallah got married and moved to canada .. and one by one all te guests left…
now… one thing that bothered me was.. me a newly wedded bride, just moved to a brand new country, doesnt know ANYONE, put up a brave front and made such strong bonds with everyone that everyone went home happy with the new bahu…
BUT.. my own mil didnt have much to say.. i didnt get a thank u from her. whenever someone said uve won a lottery by getting such a bahu, where did u find her my mil would smile and say, buss, allah ka shukar hai… thats it… i didnt get a pat on the back in personal from her… did it bother me.. yes… a lot… so the frist few months after the wedding of my sil.. i felt like i wasnt being appreciated.. i had done so much… i talked to my husband and he said his mom wasnt of too many words.. i at that time said.. whatever 
… time went by… and i slowly started t realize.. its true.. some ppl have immense trouble saying thank you or showing appreciation.. not cuz they dont appreciate it.. but just cant express it…
how do i know my mil loves me.. she does other things for me… if i say i want something, she will go out and get it for me… or remember it and at one point or another, i will get it!
so yes, she doesnt show appreciation in the traditional way.. but i know she loves me in her own way 
how logn did it take me to realize that? a yr
give ure sis time… hoping its just a bad case of newly married jitters and adjusting to new ppl .. and her in laws arent genuinely bad..
just keep being a positive support system to her.. inshallah she will settle down.. just like everything that shines isnt gold, everything that doesnt, isnt crap … or something to that effect
p.s) the best appreciation is that of ones spouse. afra.. when ure sis complains that she doesnt get appreciated, tell her koi baath nahi.. its not important.. think bout all the other good things that you do have or share with ure in laws. not everything can be perfect… focus on the good.. and let it outweigh the bad… not to be rude, lekin if this is the only problem lack of appreciation from in laws.. itni bari baath nahi hai as long as husband is loving and caring and he appreciates BUT.. again.. let it be just cuz she is a new dulhan.
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
My inlaws are on their way too...Im scared outta my mind. But Im ready to do what I can.
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
Thanks so much Khawateen for such a detailed response , Iam speechless, when i posted the questions i wasnt sure if anybody would share it this way like u all had.
Also if u dont mind i do haveanother doubt in mind, i invited sis and her hubby to accompany me and family to dineout but her hubby's behavior didnt make us feel at ease all the time, hes caring for his wife(my sis) by all means but whenever we sis r together hes not that comfortable.Whreas my sis rarely meets us.hes not so foreigner to us ,hes our cousin afterall ,thats what surprises me , hes a bit changed after wedding
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
luckly me and sis are in same city here in canada
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
well my hubby still doubt that, he thinks it could be badluck for my sis as Iam too foolish to understand relations....lol
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
no worries afra :)
as for the husband.. sometimes if a husband feels that his wife's family thinks badly bout him or his family, he may get uncomfortable and react weirdly infront of them.. think that may be the case? do u think your sis in her desperation may have asked u for advice, and u gave it according to what you thought was right.. and somehow it leaked back to ure sis' husband and he may not have liked what you had had to say? its a far far stretch but just a thought..
if that isnt the case... just treat him with respect, you say he treats ure sis with respect and care and love, so tell him that you and ure family appreciate that .. and feel tasali in ure hearts that their daughter and sis is in good hands... just like its hard for you sis and her in laws to open up to each other after the wedding.. its the same for teh guy... he may feel like ure the older appa of his wife and he needs to be all goody goody.. and sometimes when ppl wanna be goody goody.. they go all silent and act weird, until they get comfortable... not all do it.. but that is how some ppl react :)
and u know.. family or no family.. all dynamics change after the wedding.. ya they are cousins.. but its a totally new situation now that ure sis and ure cousin are married.
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
may be it could be any of the unknown reasons , well u r right i should always respect him for his care and love for sis, iam just toooo emotional and makes up an opinion too fast, thanks again
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
I am feeling like mental knots untied.....
Re: why its so hard to survive with inlaws
Hey jaanwar Its not like making anyone sound evil or something... simply trying to understand relations & how we could give our best
hi!!! dont take me wrong, but Iam so pissed off at this time, my sister just got married and its so hard for her, like too much silent politics going on in the house, she does every single stuff and hardly appreciated by anyone in the house, moreover if once a week she goes out with hubby no body is happy at that whereas the same mother father wants their own dauughters to be away from thei inlaws and daughters visiting every other day.I just cant digest all this unfairness, any comments on how to deal such situations and how a new bride would handle all this, all sincere advices welcome and i would really appreciate your sharing.
I'm the last person to advice on this topic. I couldn't handle my situation. I don't like to be in an environment where people fight with me all the time. I just leave them and have either no contact with them, or just less contact with them.
I do hope that both the mother-in-laws aren't fighting with each other, because then the situation for the married couple would get worse.
It also depends on the character of both husband and wife. Like what they would do if one of their parents tell them negative lies about their spous(e).
You're a new addition to the family so they're trying to adjust to you and you're trying to adjust to them. I understand it's unfair, I'd feel that way as well. It's very frustrating when people show double standards in their expectations and treatment....such as a mother-in-law encouraging her own daughters to get away from their susraal as much as possible but not allowing her own bahu a break once in a while.
The root of the problem is jealousy and insecurity. The mother-in-law and sisters-in-law think that the bahu is out to steal the son/brother away from them. They have difficulty understanding that the relationship of a wife, mother, and sister are ALL different and can't be compared. That's the problem.
Your sister should try to bond with her MIL and SIL. This will hopefully make them understand that she's not a "threat" to them in any way. Of course, this is easier said than done and it will take time.
Your sister can try to balance things out a bit. If she and her husband go out often during the week........the she can invite her mother-in-law and sister-in-law to come with them a couple of times during the week. So......some days they can ALL go out together. And other days.......she should go out with only her husband. Because couples need time ALONE to bond with each other as well. And it's rather selfish to expect that they shouldn't have that ALONE time at all. So, she can SPLIT it up.
Invite the MIL and SIL on the outings sometimes. And other times she should just go with her husband. And when husband is at work, she can try to bond with her MIL and SIL......talk, cook together, go shopping, etc. And when he comes home....then she can try to spend time with the whole family and bring them together. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she should spend time alone with her husband **while also **regularly including/inviting in-laws as well. **Mix-it up **and not just do only one or the other. I hope that helps. It's so frustrating living with in-laws. I'm not married, but I've seen the petty dramas that can take place when the in-laws come for a visit. I can only imagine what it must be like to live with them on a permanent basis. I wish you the best.
And your sister should also focus on making her relationship with hubby stronger....if they have good communication and understanding, then he can be more supportive of her if she feels that things are getting worse with in-laws after making every effort possible to bond with them.
RV has already said wat i wanted to say that the real thing behind the whole prob is jealousy n tug of war for the guy.the MIL n SIL esp want to share everything new couples share together.they want to enjoy shadi ka lado with their son n new bahoo :) if they can they'll even go to the bedroom with them.i mean its childish n absurd but this is wat its all about.that even b4 the couple bound with each other the inlaws want them to bound with them.they hate them enjoying by themselves n want a share in everything.So one sol is wat RV said do arrange family outings sometimes but don't overdo it or ur sis will regret as they'll wanna go everytime.So the times the couple goes alone bring something for the family as a treat like if they did hoteling bring back home some food or went shopping buy a lil gift.but always remind ur sis its a long bumpy ride.b4 things will gt better they keep getting worse.So she should recite lots of duas n ask Allah for sabr.Then after constant giving n no expecting for yrs she'll get some roots of her own.
having said that i never had good relation with my inlaws because i was always in a hurry to get things done my way:) my advantage was i live separetely but still they interferred in everyway n everything.now i wish i had more tolerance then things could hav been lil easy because they r many n u r alone n its hard to win from them esp if ur husband never takes ur side.So keep telling her n supporting her to ignore n ignore,giv, giv n giv lil more even b4 she gets anything.Also one thing i've learnt that i never knew any politics n was very straightforward n a simpleton.but now i say every girl should know some chalaki.they should know how to win their husbands support secretly n without any bitterness coz once the husband starts talking everyone backs off.then they hate u inside but would b nice upfront for the sake of their son.