Why is this the case

Lifestyle Relationships
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Why are you looked down upon if you open a profile on a matermorial site? Further, even if you were to discuss your wish to get married with your parents, they’d make you feel desperate. Guys get away with these things but if your a girl then your kinda not expected to ever express your desire to get married. You study and when your parents say it’s time you get married. What’s wrong with making a profile on a matermorial site? I do want to get married by a certain age and I don’t see it happening because nobody’s cooperating. Is it important to have all your life’s affairs in order before getting married? Would expressing the desire to get married before completing your education, establishing your career etc mean your desperate? Am I the only one who views marriage as an extremely important part of life. No one else in my family does that’s basically the problem. Do I have my piorities all mixed up?
Really seems like I am ranting. Sorry about that. But honestly why is it wrong to say you wish to get married?

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Why is this the case

Absolutely nothing. Why would your family not consider marriage important? How old are you? Finished school yet? Working? What is the reason they give you or put you down for wanting to get married?

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Re: Why is this the case

In my early twenties. I am still in uni and that's basically thier reason.

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That's EXACTLY what I felt/thought when I was in my late teens (got married at 21).--well minus making the profile and all.

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So why don't you have a friend make your profile on line, or better yet your Parents.

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There is nothing wrong in discussing your wants, needs and plans with your loved but you have to understand that when you are "discussing" some of your issue with someone, you have to discuss it with open mind. You should be ready to consider their reasoning.

beside if some girl asks me or tells me she want to get married irrespective of the fact that she has not completed at least as much studies that makes her independent , my answer will be BIG NO NO.

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Re: Why is this the case

OP, I got this out of the post you posted in the religion forum.

Based on this, I'd say your parents are 100% right in holding off on marriage.

1) You need to finish your education before marriage. You may end up being married to someone in a different city or even country. You have no idea what your husband or in-laws will react to you studying after marriage. And if you get pregnant.....then the odds of you finishing your degree is slim to none. Things happen. Not all marriages end up happy. There is no guarantee that you won't end up divorced or as a widow at young age. Thus, its important that you have the ability to support yourself financially in case something goes wrong in your marriage. It's a HORRIBLE idea to put yourself in a situation where you're forced to be depend on the kindness of others.

2) Wanting to get married b/c you feel marriage is important versus wanting to get married ASAP b/c of your insecurities are two different things. You don't want to get married b/c you feel you're ready for that big step. You want to get married ASAP b/c you have self-esteem issues and fear that you'll end up alone forever. This is a HORRIBLE reason to get married! This type of desperation will cloud your judgment when it comes to choosing a spouse.

Still in Uni/early 20's leads me to believe you're probably 21/22. I could understand you having a panic attack over this if you were already in your late 20's. But you have several years before you get there. For now you need to focus on your education AND your own self-esteem.

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^I agree it probably is not wise for me to to get married now, but I won't really be done with uni until I am 27. That's a while.

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They don't like the idea of online sites.

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I think they're just wary of all the psycho ppl that put up their profiles as well. But also it might be that they think ur so young... Ur not at the point where u even need to get worried enough to get onto a matrimonial website. Dont ppl usually treat that as plan B? And u haven't even tried plan A yet.
I think it's safe to say that ur not really eager to actually get married but it would put u at ease to think that if that were the case that u would have a line of rishtas (somewhat) for the picking? So it's more a fear of what if right? Do u have a lot of cases in the vicinity where they left it for too long and then it was a little late to start looking? And those girls nightmares are giving u nightmares. If u live in the west then listening to all the stories here on GS maybe it IS advisable to start lookin early (21 seems too early though.. If u'll be done with uni at 27). Maybe u can bring it up with a friend's mom, cousin's mom (someone u trust, and someone who may have gone thru these issues while marrying their daughter) to sort of samjhaofy ur mom about this stuff.
When I was 21 and nowhere interested in getting married anytime soon and my mom started talking about potential rishtas I was all like I don't want to get into this while studying.. Like no looking either... So she explained her concerns, she said that she wasnt going to marry me off immediately and just that dekhnay dhoondnay Aur decide karnay Mae time lagta hae so good to start now just to have something in the pipeline. Anyway, she didn't have to look cuz Alhumdulillah I got a good rishta , a senior student from my uni sent the rishta and now I'm married to him mashAllah. My mom told me later (after I was engaged or married I think) that she was really worried and would always pray k Allah miyaan ghar bethay koi acha rishta bhej daen. She worried about the whole chai parade and ppl coming to see u all the time.

So start praying for it, with the belief that Allah will accept ur prayer. And definitely always ask Him for what is best for u. Because u might think that getting married really early is good for u and that might not be the case, only He knows. And don't worry iA whatever is written for u will happen. And if u r worried about not being pretty enough, having the perfect face perfect body whatever, know that that's not the only thing that ppl look for, if u r a good person at heart that will always shine through. I'm pretty average looking, and would always think yeh who's gonna go out of their way to pick me, but jahaan naseeb hota hae waheen hoti hae shadi. So just pray for good naseeb and a good husband, and that u will be best for each other in this life and the hereafter (my hubby said that he used to pray for that, and it made me realize what a wonderful dua it is, cuz we always remember to ask for degree and salary and acha susraal, but forget about aakhirat.) Anyway just pray and don't expect disappointment from the beginning.

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Re: Why is this the case

So? I didn't meet my husband until I was in my late 20's and married him a few years later. My own mother also didn't marry my dad until she was 29. There is no "probably". Its not wise for you to get married right now period.

Even at 27.....if you haven't sorted out your self-esteem issues by then.....you'll make mistakes when it comes to choosing your spouse. So for now, focus on your studies and yourself. When you're 25.....bring up marriage to your parents. Let them know at that time that you understand that nikah will not take place until your graduation....but you'd like for them to start looking and getting to the engagement point.

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Re: Why is this the case

Trust me - if you get married with no profession, degree or skill to be independent in case something goes wrong - you will be very sorry you rushed into something.

Marriage is important - of course it is. But there's a time for everything and it should NOT be your priority.

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Re: Why is this the case

OP - Two points to consider from a guy’s perspective:

  1. Women on GS put too much emphasis on degree or profession. They’re correct if you consider the worst case scenario but I don’t think it’s healthy to be perpetually pessimistic about relationships. Degree, profession, looks, family etc. are just inputs to your self-esteem. If you think highly of yourself, go get married and become a great partner.
  2. Regarding matrimonial sites – It generally is not a good idea because there are too many scam artists out there. You’ll waste too much time and energy sorting through chaff. You’d probably come out of the experience bitter. Also, posting on a matrimonial site implies that your family doesn’t have social connections to find rishtas for you off-line. So consider that for what it’s worth.
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I’m curious. You used to have a more anti-feminist stance in your posts in the past. Did you just have a baby girl or something? :confused:

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I felt that way when bringing up the marriage issue with my parents. I brought it up at the age of 26 or 27, and got shot down from my mom. I’m sure that’s different than for many other families who will haww- and haii at a single woman at 27. Her reasoning - your work/training/studies is not completed yet, and these Pakistani families will more often than not try to stop your progress. She was pretty correct, most of the guys I’ve talked to, even the ones who deceitfully seem pretty progressive until their moms and bhabis get involved :rolleyes: are opposed to me doing any other progress in my field and want me to take a 9-5 job, which is essentially a death signal in what I do.

So I felt really ashamed that I kept asking about shaadi, feeling almost like a desperate whore or something, that PCG needs sex so she’s asking her parents for the love of God to get involved. I don’t think guys deal with this dilemma, in fact, families start teasing them about their future wedding (s) as soon as they’re hitting puberty. I’ve seen boys get teased about potential girlfriends too, and when I tease my boy cousins about “Is there a pretty girl at school? Is that why you’re gelling your hair?” everyone laughs. I say that about a girl, and I get frowns.

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Re: Why is this the case

I think you have soften up over time…got good roommates? :slight_smile:

I never was an anti-feminist. I always was, and always will be an advocate of women rights and education (specially women education) but those can be achieved without asking men to lick someone’s toes…really!

PS: and you, 6 month back, would have found something anti-feminist in my this post also…like oh so she cant even marry with her own will? :smiley:

PS2: and only my God knows how much I prayed for a baby girl when my wife was expecting first baby…

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Ppl need to grow the hell up. I am tired of dinosaurs in our communities holding on to outdated ideas. matrimonial sites are not a bad thing or showing some sort of desperation. People have different circumstances and need to have their options open. So what if someone thinks that the family does not have social connections? Maybe they don't, could be any reason. They could be new to the country or region, in a small town, want a bigger candidate pool.

Now as far as not looking while in college, I think that is an error.nStarting to look does not mean there is a wedding in a month. Sometimes it takes time to find the right person, and then between engagement, scheduling and logistics you are still talking about some time. The issue is very simple, you have to look at average age that people which meet your criteria are getting married, often that criteria is level of education, but take the avg age at time of marriage and subtract a few years out. That is the age you need to be meeting people to have the broadest pool of candidates.

As time passes, number of available singles decreases quite drastically, and knowing and planning for that helps.
And I hate to say what I am going to say next, but sadly it's true..if there are factors that make someone less desirable..then earlier and wider the net the better.

Education and career is fine, but if girls and their families start looking earlier then the may be able to find guys who can wait, or be more supportive of their wife finishing degree after marriage, or while they are engaged.

It is a numbers game for a big part. People with strong social networks especially in larger cities have an advantage. Others have a disadvantage and have to recognize it and be more active. Ahh yes, and the more specific your requirements are the more active and/or flexible you may have to be.

We already have a large set of filters before we even start, take a step back and see how realistic or important they are. For many older ppl many things become must haves and they are not

The filters I usually see among Pakistanis are (majority Muslim so the list is based on that)

A) Religion- Muslim vs non Muslim
Sect/school of though - Shia, Sunni, Ahmadi, Ismaili, barelvi, ahl e hadeeth, hanafi,
Ethnicity: Pathan, punjabi,
Further specifics on ethnicity- eg if Urdu speaking- then from Lucknow or Delhi or UP or Hyderabad etc

B) Of course then comes what the family is like, educated or not, how conservative, orthodox or liberal. And what the guy is like, how educated, in what field,

C) And then you have the individual factors eg all boxes are checked, all filters passed but what does the person look like, what is the personality like, etc etc.

I often see that the elders are very rigid on A and B, and the candidate on items in C.

Socially not well connected whether due to location or other reasons + having specific requirements + having a smaller candidate pool is a tough situation to find someone in.

I have seen it with friends and family, guys and girls both. It's not easy and our community's ass backward thinking about things like matrimonial events or sites makes it tougher.

As far as con artists on matrimonial sites. My advise is nothing is a starter until the person's identity and background is confirmed, and people in families are aware that there is a conversation between two people. That may be a little extreme but it helps decrease the wasted time on con artists and players.

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I have been sitting on matrimonial sites on/off for the past 3 years, and we are somewhat socially connected, but not partying at dawats every weekend like some desi families. Why? No, we're not stuck up. My dad works 4 jobs, and doesn't have the time, and his health doesn't allow him to eat at midnight - sorry, he's a diabetic, and it swings his sugar like crazy.

Even if they are invited to parties and dawats, there are a couple of factors, that desi people really need to consider:

  1. Not everyone can afford the money used to make or ACQUIRE (i.e. plane trips to Pakistan) joras that make you look like a model out of a Pakistani shaadi fashion catalogue. The bride is supposed to be decked in beautiful clothes, but seems like the fashion statement at dawats abroad are : the more bling, the better. In comparison, people can't even afford that kind of clothing in Pakistan for routine dawats. I'm talking wearing shaadi clothes for some punk kid's ameen. Gimme a break.

  2. Late night dinners - dawat card says 8, starts at 10, food not served till midnight, resulting in hotel owners calling the police at 1 am to shoo everyone out. Frikkin makes us look so embarassed as a community.

  3. Strict gender control - as a female where I get decision making power at work, and at home, doesn't make sense why I'm not allowed to see the guys, but I get a nice fat chance to see his mom, his bhabi, his 5 sisters, his tayaa, his nieces, all of whom I will not be living with, and will/should not have anything to do with the actual relationship, but alas, I will not be married to a man, I will be married to his mom until the day she dies, after which I will be 50 and overweight after bearing 4 kids to a man that i wont really get a chance to love until his mom croaks. Really? Not my cup of tea. And not to mention that you can't be yourself around these people, because the minute you show you have your own headstrong personality, you're OUT.

  4. The incessant showbaazi - people showing off what they have, what they own, how much they make, what cars they're pimping, and even in the teenage and young boys group, I remember some poor kid complaining once, comparing their brands of sneakers at a party. What is that supposed to do to anyone's self esteem??

I dunno I could make another whole list of complaints of local desi dawats, but this was the routine I experienced on a regular basis.

Also a few points regarding looking for mates during college/and working women:

-there are some colleges in America where the desi enrollee rate is high; most other colleges, there will be like 20-30 desis max, if you're lucky. I think it's less important, now that I'm realizing, to try to find a mate amongst these people, but more important to build relationships with these people, and socially network through them to meet more people. HOWEVER, you need time for this, and if you're trying to get into professional school - medicine, engineering, law, business, etc, and I'd say ESPECIALLY for health related fields that get super competetive, you don't have as much time for this level of social networking. You just don't.

-you're in college studying and working, and as much as it's easy to keep an eye out for potentials, you may not have time to go party hopping if you have career goals that are keeping you busy every waking moment of the day (I kid you not, I didn't have time to shower on some days, and it was common to go into final exams in your PJ's where I went to school).

-desi guys at colleges get to see the crude side of women - which can be a turn off. You'll see the girl before her exams looking like a hot mess; you might run into her as she's going to the cafeteria in the morning soon after awakening with her girlfriend's, and maybe there are some girls who tend to look like Paris Hilton's the minute they get onto campus for any reason, but not from what I saw. It's hard in some fields to maintain that regular upkeep until your work hours get more controlled, and you get more time off from work/studying, which for our usual desi daactars, that doesn't happen until after residency. Again, maybe I'm just sloppy in general, but most girls just can't keep up with the work entailed to be well maintained every moment of the day in college. Too much maintenance time that people don't have.

-you can go through college, and how many couples do you remember forming from your few graduating classes? In the 3 or 4 graduating classes I was familiar with, I saw two couples form, get potentially close to marriage, then dissolve because of family differences in one situation (guy from Egypt, girl African American, which drove the Egyptian family up the wall), and a promiscuous cheating guy in the other situation. That's it, everyone else that got married, did so with people in their social network from back home - family connections, etc.

-grad school? pool of desis is even smaller - lots of hindus, no doubt, because there are more of them, and they value education more; but few Pakistanis.

-I do not have stats on this, but seems like the Pakistani population in Pakistan is more blue-collared job holders, which means, they often did not go to college. The ABCD boys here, often get caught up in drugs, alcohol, partying, because of lax social norms on them (ok to be out with friends until 1 am, aunty what is your son doing at 1 am on a Saturday night??), and denial about these problems when they look for rishtas. I posted a marital video by Noman guy who does religious lectures, and even he said this is a HUUUGE crisis now in the states where guys are a problem. So they end up in vocational school, community college, because they're too punk to study properly and end up in a 4 year school. Interestingly, when I did dual enrollment to get college credits in high school and boost my GPA to gain class rank in HS, I met MORE desis in the community college, than I did in the local colleges. True story. They were all mA looking to get married, wonder why, at 21, and were eyeing the 16 year olds.

-whereas local masjids could be a huge source of rishta potentials, they're really not. i haven't tried this myself, so maybe someone else can share, but as a working woman who doesn't wear a hijab, I don't get many friendly vibes from local maulvis running masjids in the first place, so not sure if I want to sit with them and get a second degree grilling on why I'm not wearing a hijab when I ask them for rishta potentials.

As awesome as it is to meet someone at college or in grad school, it's not realistic sadly in the states.

Bottom line - your chances of gaining a rishta is HUUGE if you are 1. HAWT 2. YOUNG < 25 yrs of age and 3. Really well socially connected with successful parents who make $$$ and can get the young groom a job at parents company.

This is why I rue losing IT guy. His family was a problem, but if I had played my cards better, maybe it would have worked. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone like him again, because the vast majority of guys are see are nothing like him.

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Re: Why is this the case

And may I add, the nerdier the girl, the less she has of those qualities - i.e. looks, youth, general upkeep, bling bling joras, etc.

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But some nerdy girls can be pretty cool. They can have all of that and still retain that unique intelligence which makes them nerdy.