In the rishta process, the boy’s family visits the girl’s family and the boy’s family has the advantage of making the first move - the girl’s family has to wait to hear something from them.
While the first mover advantage is not insubstantial, why do we see the girl’s family as being a big victim here? They have more or less just as much power as the boy’s family - they can say no after a yes from the boy’s side.
However, whenever this issue is discussed, the girl’s family is made out of if they’re completely powerless and a victim of this stupid process. Surely that isn’t completely true?
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
In the rishta process, the boy's family visits the girl's family and the boy's family has the advantage of making the first move - the girl's family has to wait to hear something from them.
While the first mover advantage is not insubstantial, why do we see the girl's family as being a big victim here? They have more or less just as much power as the boy's family - they can say no *after a yes from the boy's side.
*
However, whenever this issue is discussed, the girl's family is made out of if they're completely powerless and a victim of this stupid process. Surely that isn't completely true?
The bit in bold lol
The boys' families send the proposals and traditionally it's seen as strange or 'desperate' for the girl's side to ask (even if they like someone), the boy's side comes to view the girl etc.
Not sure how anyone can say that girls' families have just as much power taking all that into account..
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
What power are you two talking about? I've seen both families reject people at various stages, except that in Pakistan, girl's families never do the asking because they're not supposed to get rejected. The guy is supposed to take the ego hit of being rejected.
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
No one has upper hand. And its not unusual for girls side to go first. Recently, my cousin has her Nikah. Her family went first to meet the boy and his family, and actually went three times before the boys side came. Twice my uncle and after that told them that we would also like other family members to meet you people and then I and another went to see them before saying yes.
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
When we were looking for rishta for my brother, although we initiated the talks through a mutual friend the family of my sister in law first visited us. After their visit we went and saw her and met other members of the house.
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
What power are you two talking about? I've seen both families reject people at various stages, except that in Pakistan, girl's families never do the asking because they're not supposed to get rejected. The guy is supposed to take the ego hit of being rejected.
That be far from the actual truth. The brunt of the rejection is taken by the woman's side.
Men ask, men choose, and men fulfill. It's just the way our system works (minus certain exceptions).
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
In the rishta process, the boy's family visits the girl's family and the boy's family has the advantage of making the first move - the girl's family has to wait to hear something from them.
While the first mover advantage is not insubstantial, why do we see the girl's family as being a big victim here? They have more or less just as much power as the boy's family - they can say no after a yes from the boy's side.
However, whenever this issue is discussed, the girl's family is made out of if they're completely powerless and a victim of this stupid process. Surely that isn't completely true?
The girl's side rejecting the boy is way less damaging compared to the boy's side rejecting the girl.
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
Some families I've seen where clearly the mom is looking for potentials showing her sons pics and stats around then collects a list of girls who are already likely to accept and THEN she shows the guy. So he is less likely to get rejected.
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
Some families I've seen where clearly the mom is looking for potentials showing her sons pics and stats around then collects a list of girls who are already likely to accept and THEN she shows the guy. So he is less likely to get rejected.
If men or their mothers are that evil, then why must you work so hard in owning/acquiring the same?
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
Did I say they're evil?
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
In the rishta process, the boy's family visits the girl's family and the boy's family has the advantage of making the first move - the girl's family has to wait to hear something from them.
While the first mover advantage is not insubstantial, why do we see the girl's family as being a big victim here? They have more or less just as much power as the boy's family - they can say no after a yes from the boy's side.
However, whenever this issue is discussed, the girl's family is made out of if they're completely powerless and a victim of this stupid process. Surely that isn't completely true?
I think the guy's side is perceived to have more power because a lot of larkay wale shop around and reject the girls on minor issues. The average girl doesn't have this much luxury. People always advise girls to compromise and not wait around for the complete package. And while this advice should apply to the guy side too, there are plenty of larkay wale with the attitude 'yeh nahi tu koi aur sahi'.
I have come across guys' moms who refuse to involve the guy at the early stages. Sometimes the guy isn't even serious about marriage or has no idea his parents are looking.
I've also seen when the guy's mom says she'll be in town so she schedules a meet but little do you know, she is meeting ten different girls during her two-day visit, and when you meet so many for such a short amount of time, you're basically judging them on superficial qualities and not really trying to get to know her for who she is as a person.
Except for girls living abroad who go back home to marry and sponsor a guy, I haven't seen any girls or their families having the upper hand or mistreating the other side by not giving them a fair chance.
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
This is just a wrong perception of our society/ culture. I think it depends on the bargaining power of the parties. Usually It does rest with Guy's side as suggested by OP but it can change as Madz said. When girl's family is sponsoring a guy, they choose and make decision.
Before coming from Pakistan, I arranged my sister's wedding ( from meeting them the first time to wedding). We visited them first and even we didn't have unanimous decision, we invited them to our house. Met few time and then it went to second stage. What I liked about them that they never created fuss over anything and always asked and took our opinion. Everything went very well Alhamdulilla.
But then I have seen my cousins and with other sister ( I was young then and my parents arranged it) that guy's family did took advantage and exercised control over the whole thing.
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
I think the guy's side is perceived to have more power because a lot of larkay wale shop around and reject the girls on minor issues. The average girl doesn't have this much luxury. People always advise girls to compromise and not wait around for the complete package. And while this advice should apply to the guy side too, there are plenty of larkay wale with the attitude 'yeh nahi tu koi aur sahi'.
**
I have come across guys' moms who refuse to involve the guy at the early stages. Sometimes the guy isn't even serious about marriage or has no idea his parents are looking.
I've also seen when the guy's mom says she'll be in town so she schedules a meet but little do you know, she is meeting ten different girls during her two-day visit, and when you meet so many for such a short amount of time, you're basically judging them on superficial qualities and not really trying to get to know her for who she is as a person.**
Except for girls living abroad who go back home to marry and sponsor a guy, I haven't seen any girls or their families having the upper hand or mistreating the other side by not giving them a fair chance.
I've seen this too. The mom will meet a bunch of different girls and then whatever is "good enough" will be presented to the son when he visits. I guess it makes sense if you're going to have the mom rejecting the girl anyways later on--might as well not have your son meet her, but it's also kinda strange in my opinion. The boy/girl never even have a chance because the mother doesn't even bother introducing them.
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
Well its not completely true. Girl's family could visit first as well.
True in my case.
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
It's interesting that so many say that the girl's family does visit first - I know a friend who's trying hard to get the girl's family to visit so that they can make the first decision, but all families keep refusing. Perhaps they're too traditional, or just afraid that it may be seen negatively by others later?
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
I hate this mindset. But I refuse to buy into it. Of course I won't get married if the guy doesn't want to marry me, or the mom. I also won't get married because I don't want to marry the guy. I am really not desperately waiting for someone to marry me. So no, I don't have "less" power.
Yes, a rishta will only happen once the guy's side proposes. But I know I am sane and good enough a person that if you have a problem with me, there's nothing "wrong" with me, we're incompatible - in which case, I would rather you don't send a rishta my way. That kind of "rejection" is really not rejection for me.
If you respect me less/think less of me because we're incompatible, then you're plain messed up.
If you found someone you're more compatible/attracted to, then good for you!
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
.
Re: Why is the boy's side seen as having upper hand in rishta process?
It's natural for men all over the world to have the upperhand in the dating/marriage market, because there are more men than women in the world and men get better as they age; most men hit their prime in their 30s but women hit their prime in their early 20s and then it's downhill, so you're more likely to see a man with a girl half his age than the other way around; men have time on their side, so they have less pressure, however women do have a bigger advantage in the dating/marriage market(as long as they're in their prime) because women always get approached and they can always reject a man but a man is almost never approached by a woman, so women have this advantage though it's just for a brief period.