Why is his mother against the her?

Lifestyle Relationships
, , , ,
1

Hello,

Basically, I have this second cousin who is well educated and comes from a good family. She lives in Holland but is Pakistani. She has been with the guy she likes for about 4 years. He is from PK. His mother has never met her because she lives back home, but she has some prejudice against their relationship. She refuses meeting her, she refuses their relationship, she has never spoken to her or seen her before, she just tells her own relatives that my second cousin is not the right one for her son and that she keeps disturbing her son. She came over to me (to Pakistan) last week, her boyfriend is in PK too at the moment, but his mother refuses meeting her. Everyone in his family knows about my second cousin, but in a bad way, not nice at all, i don’t know what she has been telling about her, she claims that my second cousin is disturbing her son and she is the one running after him.

I have told my second cousin not to tell her own family about any of this because if they decide to get married in future, it’s best her parents don’t know about the bad image that guy’s mother created of her. My uncle and his wife also don’t know about my second cousin’s relationship with this guy by the way, so there might still be some issues between them once they find out too.

My second cousin is really scared of meeting his mother because she hasn’t accepted it but her boyfriend decided to just take her over without telling his mother. Is this a good idea? She asked me to go over with her but I think it will not be very nice if I went along. What does she have to do to prove his mother that she is actually a nice girl? How to get rid of all the prejudice? How should she make her image in front of her bf’s family good again??

She will be going over to his place as i mentioned above too, in about 6 days INSHA ALLAH.. So any help would be appreciated. Thank you .

2

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

Some important info missing from your story:

1) Has the cousin's BF told her why his mother doesn't like her? Has the BF talked to the mother about this?

2) For the BF, is there a father or other siblings in the picture? How do they feel about this relationship?

3) Is the BF willing to marry your cousin even if his mother/family is totally against it?

3

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

Salam,

Sorry that you all are in a tough situation.

Being brought up in the US, some things about Pakistan are beyond me. However, maybe, they are behaving this way towards her because these types of relationships are frowned upon there. They think that any relationship titled "boyfriend and girlfriend" is bad because they are not married and they are basically not "halal" for each other. I know, it's 2013, but there are many conservative people who hold those types of feelings. Another thing which is different compared to western countries is that in Pakistan everyone speaks in other people's business. The whole family is involved.. by family I mean.. khala's khalo's chacha's chachi's phuppo's phuppa and many many more!

There are 2 things that worry me about your post. If she is going to visit them, without her family knowing, I don't think that is a good idea. Obviously, they do not like their relationship and aren't afraid to show it. They openly have rejected meeting her. EVEN if they were to marry in the future, don't think that she can get rid of the guy's family. They are going to exist as important people in her life.

I am not a hug fan of hiding things from parents esp. in such matters. I think they can guide her a bit better than any one else.

Good luck!

4

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

^Agree with Lively. The Bf's mom wouldn't think well of a girl living in Pakistan visiting without parental involvement, she'd feel even strongly about one from outside of Pak doing the same because of the associated stereotypes. She's his mom...she's going to be protective and worry about life-changing decisions that will impact his future and she has her views and preferences as well...whether or not they're valid/reasonable is another issue, but it's natural for her to be concerned. If they're both serious, then she needs to tell her parents. It may be hard to tell them everything,but it'll safeguard her. And not involving her parents can hinder her from getting their support as well.... as they might be upset/hurt that she took that step without them. It'll be another emotional obstacle for her....only from her end. I am surprised though that the guy didn't think of the consequences. As suggested by Paheli, she should ask if there's anyone from the guy's family who can support him in not only convincing mom but also facilitating a meeting of both families.

5

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

I've been through this.

The BF's mother doesn't like your cousin because most likely she already has an idea of whom she wants her son to marry or at the very least the type of girl and she is assuming that your cousin is not it.

It really depends on how stubborn the mother is. After several years of waiting for my husband's Mother's approval, we took her "Do whatever the hell you want to" to mean her blessings so we got married. Even after several years, this woman treats me very badly. She refuses to acknowledge my presence by avoiding eye contact. She doesn't offer even water when we go to the house which we pay the mortage and all the bills including her extravagent shopping etc. The entire family is hateful to me.

If your cousin and her BF don't mind a lifetime of non-acceptance then they should go for it. My husband had promised that things would change and if they didn't I wouldn't be required to be in that hateful woman's presence. My husband's position has changed. He requires me to go see his family every week. I wanting their love & acceptance, went every Friday, while his Mother pretended that there was no food in the house and we starved for hours and my blood sugar would dip (I am diabetic at didn't know at that time) and I would pass out on the couch while my husband and his Mother conversed until midnight.Truth be told, I regret marrying my husband. It's not worth all the stress that I have had to endure. I continually think whether this marriage is worth staying in.

6

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

mostly pakistani ppl having sons have strange mindset. they want control in everything even after marriage.

best for your cousin is to leave things on god,

and do not worry even if she tries to spoils her image because she will get what she will sow.

and remember getting married is very easy but like Peony said maintaining it is difficult.

7

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

Hope things get better for you. :hugz:

8

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

I agree with you, everyone in this situation should seriously ask themselves if its worth the stress and if they have the stamina to endure it.

Its very wrong of your husband to go back on his promise. Obviously he has to stay in touch with his parents, but what's the point of forcing you to do it? Do you talk to him about this? You sound like a sensible woman, and I'm assuming that you do talk with him about this.

For me personally, a guy and his parents are a package deal, one comes with the other. If a girl doesn't like the parents, she shouldn't go for the guy, no matter how great he is and no matter how much she loves him. Remember, parents have rights over their children, and breaking of relationships is a sin.

That being said, a couple should discuss problems they're facing and find solutions. Somewhere in this Life & Relationships forum is a list of questions a couple should discuss before getting married, and one of them is along the lines of 'what's to be done if my relationship with your family goes sour?' Its a very valid question, and I think even married couples should discuss this. Because while the son has obligations towards his parents (and they have obligations towards him), the DIL does not.

I really hate the fact that among desis and Pakistanis culture is given precedence over religion.

9

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

I see nothing wrong with giving precedence over religion. Islam is always guiding people to the right act. The problem is the people, ill informed and illogical...One of the reasons I married this guy instead of any other is that this guy seemed what I thought was someone who had his priorities right and he would always choose right over wrong. He had pledged his allgence to his parents and I saw that as a great sign. A son who would not abandon his parents for his own selfish wants.

I admit, I was hasty in my decision to marry my husband and after that even when I saw the red flags, I continued because he had become a habit. He was a mentor to me for my work. No, we didn't work for the same employer but he had become my mentor and I thought that I couldn't continue to succeed without my biggest advisor.

Actually, my family saw my destruction and they did some tough love. Yes, they said that I'd have to choose him or them. Well, I first choose them, cut off all ties with him, cancled the wedding, and barricaded myself.

long story short, I should've listened to my parents.

*A girl deserves to be embraced into her husband's family with open arms. If the guy's Mother does not like the girl, there will most likely be a mountain of problems. *

We had no intention to cut any ties with anyone or cut off $ to anyone. A lot of things discussed pre-marriage change. I think my husband thought that his mother would see me for who I am and start to like me or that I would soften my stance on anti-MIL. And I have.

But your cousin seriously needs to think if she can manage if things don't change and that her husband insists that she acts like a obediant bahu, which means catering to a woman who makes it clear that she hates her.

10

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

And please tell her not to go to her BF's house without an invitation from the Mother. It starts everything off on the wrong foot. And she will be treated like trash and she needs to act with self respect and not expose herself to situations that will continually be retold if she does end up marrying this guy.

If anything, her family needs to get a proper invitation from his family. And his Mother needs to act with respect. If people do not have the diginity to act with respect, they are not worthy of being associated with.

11

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

And your cousin needs to make it clear to her BF that his family is expected to act with respect and that is not negotiable! And she needs to keep her word. Disrespectful behavior is not negotiable. She will go where she is welcomed with open arms.

Tell her that there are lots of fish in the sea. Desi Mama drama not allowed.

12

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

Another thing to remember. According to Islam, the son has obligations to his parents but people fail to mention that he has obligations to his wife as well.

Continually exposing her to those who hurt her is against Islam. He becomes an accomplice in the heinous acts. And if you want an hadith...there's one which says that if you see something wrong, then do everything in your power to stop it, if you can't stop it at least condemn that behavior in your heart (I parapharase).

A man who sits there silently while his Mother is abusive is wrong. And he can't just condemn that behavior in his heart. He can do more.

13

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

The Mother is not your cousin's problem. It's her BF. Trust me, I know it from experience.

If the Man stands up, there is nothing anyone in his family can do. Therefore the majority of the responsiblity lands on the man. Yes, each person is responsible for their own actions but the Man has to be a Man and do right by all the peope in his life.

14

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

HA! This is my current status right now. I've been with fiance for 7 years and his mother has outright REFUSED to meet me because I'm Paki (he's Bengali). She's disrespected my family on several occasions and left my fiance apologizing for her actions. Her latest thing is that the poor dear thinks I'm too fat (uh ok?) and for my health's sake (which has NO idea about.. btw my health is PERFECT) I should lose weight and only then will she approve of me. So yeah, basically we're going ahead and getting married and she can do whatever she wants. I'm really beginning to think she has a few screws loose.

I'm pretty sure her problem is, and always has been, that she wanted to pick her son's wife, a wife that would do anything his mother asked and then some. I think when mothers aren't accepting of their son's wife, fiance, girlfriend, etc it's because she's lost control to a woman that SHE did not pick and they feel like they're "losing" their son. What they don't realise is that they're driving their son away by behaving this way.

I agree with everyone else who said if the guy has a father/brother/cousin.. anyone really, who is ok with it, get the process started with them. That's what we did so my lovely future MIL has two choices - show up and look presentable or sit at home and stew in her own stupidity.

15

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

7 years to put a ring on your finger... What stopped your fiance before but now he is moving on without his mother's approval?

16

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

lol I don't know if this was meant to be funny, but it made me laugh out loud.

Perhaps its like Terebina said, during all this time he's come to realize his mother is being silly and that she'll probably never give her approval; where as before he hadn't seen his mother's ridiculous side and expected her to come around.

17

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

I totally agree... the problem is that she is not getting to pick a wife for her son, a wife who (as you said) "would do anything his mother asked and then some."

This is what happened to me, too. In my case, my MIL got to pick the girl she liked. She started our rishta process and once my husband and I got to know each other, we said yes. However, I still ended up having problems with her for the past couple of years because her expectations are abnormal and I'm not the kind of girl who would do anything she asks and then some.

18

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

COMPLETELY agree with all of your posts above.

My aunt's son got involved with a girl his parents didn't approve of/agree to in the beginning. They even took him to Pakistan to show him girls after he broke the news of his girlfriend and his intentions to marry her. However, it didn't work. They had shouting matches at home, and he returned to the US and held his ground. I believe he even threatened to run away and get married himself if his parents didn't get a move on and agree to his wishes.

While my aunt was still too upset, her husband came to the US to meet the girl. They invited her for coffee or any casual environment so his dad could get to know her. My cousin's girlfriend refused. She said that unless his dad came to her parents' house to meet them properly, she wasn't going to meet him in some restaurant.

At the time, everyone in my family said bad things about her, that she was being disrespectful and a hypocrite because she's been carrying on a relationship with my cousin where they've been meeting alone for a long time, but finds it wrong to meet him and his father in a restaurant.

In retrospect, it was a very sensible thing that she did. Because my cousin put pressure on his mother, and consequently his family went to her parents' house with a proper rishta. My aunt even had to come to terms with accepting her, even if she wasn't happy about it in her heart. She had to give the girl and her family the accorded respect. Their wedding was in Pakistan, and my aunt and uncle did it properly.

In the end, it helped everyone. Because now my aunt and uncle come to visit the US for long periods of time and they stay with their son and his wife. His wife is obligated to keep them and can't throw fits because they treated her with respect when she got married as well.

How is LaBaby's cousin even thinking about going to his house when her own parents are still in the dark about this!??! Its so stupid. She needs to come clean to her parents. Unless both sides' parents are involved and agreeable, this isn't going to end well.

19

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

7 years ago I was 21, still in school and goofing off... and in no way, shape or form ready to get married. I wanted to live my life, travel, do fun things without being bogged down with a house, kids, etc.

I don't agree with anyone getting married before 25 but that's just my personal opinion. Also, he's financially supporting his entire household so we needed to get our combined income up to a point where we could support ourselves and he could support them.

20

Re: Why is his mother against the her?

As long as what he does worked for you and continues to work for you. That's what counts! Congratulations and mash'allah, your relationship survived 7 long years without any permanent commitment. Mash'allah. Congratulations!!! on getting to the place you guys wanted to get to support 2 households. That's a great accomplishment and your future MIL should be happy that you're not cutting off the funds for her being so nasty to you. If you did, I'd say serves her right. But you are doing the right thing because at the end of the day you reap the benefits of your deeds and she hers :)