Why do I have to convert to marry the one I love????

Society Religion & Philosophy
1

I’m in my final year of my degree and have been going out with a girl for nearly a year. At first neither I knew that she’s a muslim nor she that I’m a hindu. But when we did find out, it did’nt seem to be of any significance because we had fallen madly in love with each other. We are both from England and of Gujrati Indian background. Mentalities and living styles of both of our families are very similar.

My family will disown me if I was to convert to marry her but they do not mind me marrying her without converting and they do not insist about her converting to be a hindu either.

My girl friend has two brothers, about three months ago they came to the university and threatened to kill me if I did’nt leave her alone. I have friends too and did not pay much attention to their empty threats. My girl friend and I are truely in love and want to spend our lives with each other.

About a couple of weeks ago I was in a super market and came face to face with her father. According to what I had heard from my girlfriend her father is a very nice man. Out of respect I lowered my eyes and just minded my own business. A little later he approched me and said that he wanted to talk to me. My throat dried up and without saying a single word I followed him out of the supermarket.

Without a trace of anger in his voice, he asked me about which village my family is from in Gujrat. He asked me for how long I had known his daughter and how do my parents feel about the whole thing. My whole body was trembling but I gave him the answers to his questions.

Then he told me that he had nothing against me as a person, but in fact he had enjoyed talking to me. He said, “But the problem is that muslims are not allowed to marry non muslims”. He also said that The only way his daughter could marry me was if I was ready to convert and become a muslim. I told him about the problem that I was having with my Bapu and Ba.

I came home and told the whole thing to my Ba and also that whatever happens I do not want to marry anybody else, Ba then told the whole thing to my Bapu. My Bapu repeated his threat again that if I was to become a muslim, they will consider me dead.

In reality my girl friend and I are not religious people anyway. We both enjoy things in life and have done many things which would’nt be tolerated by either religion. Even if I was to convert, I will still carry on with the things I enjoy, it will only be to make her family happy and upset mine.

We are both in a bit of a dilemma. We are finding it hard to understand why the religion has to be an obstacle in the path of two people who are deeply in love each other. Sometimes we say to each other that we should just go to a registry office with a few friends and get married and then post the photos to parents on both sides. Soon we finish our degrees and find jobs, we will probably end up doing just that and move far away from our families.

2

Well you're lucky, her dad sounds like a really sensible and understanding guy, unlike her brothers.

Well according to Islam a muslim woman can only marry a muslim man. That's not something any person made up that's the rule made by God.

As to why? Well you're gonna get a lot of grief from people for the answer to that question. Given that this is a matter between the 2 of you and God I don't feel anyone has the right to comment since in the end it'll be Him you have to answer to.

I also believe true love is a very valid and real emotion/goal worth pursuing.

Given that the two of you don't really give any importance to religion anyhow ..I don't see why you're even worried.

Your family's gonna disown you? Yeah, yeah emotional blackmail from the people who love you ..just what you need. I'd be more worried about the 2 brothers who want to kill you. I mean you know desi people Pakistani/Indian same difference. They're both @$&$ing crazy with this izzat stuff. I wouldn't take a threat like that lightly... and here's the best part they'll justify any harm they do to the two of you as being totally acceptable under Islam.

Now If I were you... You're probabily better off being a 'bad' Muslim then a dead Hindu.
Give it a try. Trust me, Islam isn't so horrible a thing most people make it out to be. I think you'll get alot more support from the Muslim cummunity if you convert then you ever could from anyone else.

Do what you gotta do and then learn to live with it. Oh and this is real life not some movie so becareful.

3

The only reason you should want to become a muslim is if you really really want to. If your hearts not there then don't do it just to get married, you'll just delay the inevitable.

Maybe you could come to some sort of truce, where you could respect and honour any Islamic traditions that the family may hold and vice versa.

and who said life was easy? !!!

Whatever the outcome, Good luck to you.

CoolDude

4

[quote]
Originally posted by CoolDude:
**The only reason you should want to become a muslim is if you really really want to. If your hearts not there then don't do it just to get married, you'll just delay the inevitable.

Maybe you could come to some sort of truce, where you could respect and honour any Islamic traditions that the family may hold and vice versa.

and who said life was easy? !!!

Whatever the outcome, Good luck to you.

CoolDude**
[/quote]

Thanks Cooldude

If we were allowed to get married by both our families without either one of us having to convert then when it comes to traditions, we will treat traditions of both religions with equal respect.

We would love to celebrate ID with her family and Diwali with mine. Even when we have children, we will not put any restictions on them.

At the moment we see both our religions
to be a threat to our true love. If in our later life she wants to read the Quran or I want to read the Gita, it will not have any effect on our love for each other in the least.

5

We tend to not think about certain things, when we are young and young and in love is an even more dangerous combination.

As far as religious stand is concerned, others have pointed out that according to Islam this marriage will not be valid for the girl. She will be just living with you, just like boy friends and girl friends love with each other in Western countries, even some in India.

The reason Islam prohibits this marriage is because of the kids, even if the woman is able to maintain her religion, that’s because she entered the marriage when she was an adult. The kids on the other hand are very impressionable, and they will be confused royally between a Hindu father and a Muslim mother, and it will be very hard for them to follow either of the two religions fully. And chances are, as I have seen in most marriages like this, that the kids become religion less. They don’t follow any religion and then the future generations just turn out to be without any religious identity.

But, instead of thinking about the present think about few years down the road and ask yourself and then the girl a few hard questions.

  1. Will you have a problem, if your wife wants your kids to be Muslims, and have nothing to do with Hinduism?

  2. Even, if you are ok with this, will your parents try to influence the kids towards Hinduism, will your wife be ok with this?

  3. Will your wife be ok, if you decide that you want your kids to be Hindus?

  4. Will your wife regret this decision, years from now, since we tend to become more religious as we grow old, she may be bothered by the fact that her marriage is not recognized in the eyes of Islam, not now but years from now?

  5. Will you regret this decision, later in your life, since you have certain expectations from your wife, which a Muslim wife may not be able to fulfill?

  6. Is your wife to be, ready to live without any contacts with her family, because even though your family is ok, with the non-conversion clause, her family will never be, since to them she is just living with someone.

If I were you, I would think about this a good while. Remember, the novelty aspect of love fades quickly and beauty goes after that, but some decisions stay with us forever.
And they haunt us.

I am sure others will provide you with more questions to ponder about.

6

Dear sanjhabanda,

I hope you don’t mind, but I sent your question to the scholar at http://www.understanding-islam.com

I presume that you want opinion regarding the directives of the Shari`ah, if any, relating the matter.

Well, although the Shari`ah has not expressly prohibited marriage between a Muslim girl and a non-Muslim man, yet it has declared that neither a Muslim man nor a woman can marry a person who ascribes to polytheism (according to the Qur’an).

Hindus, generally, ascribe to polytheism, in one form or another. Therefore, the referred marriage is not allowed by Islam.

Your friend has given a very interesting remark in the words: “We are finding it hard to understand why the religion has to be an obstacle in the path of two people who are deeply in love each other.”

It is indeed quite difficult for a person, who does not take religion too seriously in his life, to appreciate such prohibitions and interferences of religion in one’s personal life. However, trying to explain the reason for the particular prohibition, I had written in one of my earlier responses:

*"It should be understood that Islam is not just one of the monotheistic religions. [On the contrary,] Islam holds the declaration of the oneness of the Creator to be the most sacred and basic rights of the Creator. Ascribing partners to God, in the eyes of Islam, is to wrong the Creator of His primary right. Associating partners to God refutes not only one of the beliefs of Islam, but challenges the very basis on which Islam builds its structure. A Muslim is a person who not only declares oneness of the Creator but also pledges allegiance to Him for as long as he lives. A Muslim is a person who holds the fulfillment of the rights of the Creator to be his first priority in life. On the other hand, ascribing partners to the Creator, in the eyes of Islam, is rebellion against the Creator.

Keeping the above explanation in perspective, it should be quite clear that maintenance of a marital relationship between a polytheist and a true Muslim is against the very spirit of not only Islam but is also against human nature. After all, how can a person be true in his/her allegiance to God and yet live with and love his/her spouse who has declared rebellion against God."*

Nevertheless, it is obvious that this line of reasoning would only affect those, who have not just inherited their beliefs from their parents, but ascribe to them as the ultimate ‘Truth’ that they have sincerely understood.

Regards and salaam

Moiz Amjad

I sincerely apologise for not being able to offer more advice. I can understand your feelings on how difficult the situation can be. Only you and your girlfriend can best judge the next step based on the information given above. My best wishes to you both and good luck with any decisions that you make.

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

May God make our feet firm in true guidance.

Adil.

They shoot partypoopers, don’t they?

[This message has been edited by Mr Partypooper (edited December 14, 2000).]