why am i trying to be everyones ammy

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I AM NOT BASHING MY SIL OR FAMILY; BUT MYSELF

I belong to very Vehmi family (sorry wrong spelling). My dadajee, uncles and dad all are like this. I think they have Obcessive compulsive Disorder.
Me and my Dad we do have traits too but slight different. Other family members are mostly about washing hands or cleaning. But me and dad we think too much about certain things.
For example if there is something to be done or do; we can not relax till we do it and most of the time i can not even sleep till i do it.

But now my husband is saying i am trying to be ‘every ones’ ammy.
I live in joint family and we have three kids under the age of 5. one of my nephew is very weak physically and does require extra attention.
the issue is his parents dont give him. his dad is working and mum is too busy on internet.

my other nephew requires speciall attention too. when doctors tell his mum to give him medicine twice daily. she would give once and not give ever again. So i would start giving them.
She would leave them in bath tub with water running and goes to her room and starts using computer. I tell her not to do this, its unsafe but she would not getup and i had to stay with them while they are in the tub.

or
recently i found youngest (2 years) old playing with screwdriver; or having loose wire around his neck. his mum doesnt care, now i have to be around him to keep an eye on him.
I have this in my head if i dont keep an eye on them what will happen as i have seen doing worst thing. I am not taking her responsibilities. i do all this when she ignores or doesnt do.

i have to remind their parents about their appointments; medicines etc. I dont mind doing this as i love them. if i dont then they dont care. i care coz i dont want and can not see them in pain or suffering.

they spend or i spend most of the time around them.

I have a younger sis who is in her last year of high school; i have to remind her to do her school work, prepare for her exams; read quran etc.

I have to take my mum to doctors.

but i dont know why i do this or i should do or not. End of the day, i have noticed everyone holds me responsible for everyone. i have to answer for everyones issues/problems. i get yelled at. I am told off. I am told ‘i am enemy of my nephew’.

Why. coz i care about them when their mum ignores them. i have seen my dad showering my nehpew when he sees them dirty. my sister yells at me, my brothers yells at me. my dad yells at me when my SIL doesnt look after the kids or feed them.

What should i do. i can not ignore them. hubby tells me to ignore. i can not. its in my head. i have no control.
we r moving out in few months time. I want to be like everyone else. i dont want to care or think. i dont want to clean the house when its diry or wash dishes for hours as i can not relax with dirty kitchen or dishes. I am going crazy. my head is always full. i dont know if there is anyone who can help me.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

My God unless you're exaggerating that sounds like one lazy and irresponsible mother!

I don't know what the other traits of OCD are but it seems like you and your dad unnecessarily butt in to other peoples lives and I can kind of understand why some do not appreciate it or tkae it for granted. (Unless I'm mistaking it, you weren't clear if the SIL is your own bhabi or your husbands bhabi (your devrani/jetani)?)

I know you love your family and don't wnat them to get hurt but you can't control everybody.

I can understand giving the kid medicine or keeping an eye on them because hteir mother isn't watching them--but your sister, mother, and father...they're adults of sound mind and body so they're not incapable of taking care of themselves.

Your sister is old enough to know how important it is to study and do homework, and i imagine she knows the consequences of not doing them. In the end she will have to deal with it--so stop nagging her about doing homework, because that's her own responsibility. that's it.

If your mother doesn't remember or go to her Drs appointments, unless she doesn't understand the local language or cannot get around on her own or is ill, then that's her problem... and why is your father bathing your nephew (again, I'm assuming its your in-laws' child)

As for the cleaning, you don't like to go to sleep when the kitchen is dirty, that sounds like majority of women I know...so I don't think that trait alone classifies as OCD..

Its okay to worry about yourself and your family...and if you see a young child who is in immediate need of something, its good to step in..but for adults who are capable and able to care for themselves...just...don't. You've seen how they don't appreciate it, so start putting up boundaries...because if they're yelling at you for your behavior, they're not going to suddenly wake up one day and start worshipping you for what you do.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

Are there any elders in your family....parents for example who can try to talk to the parents of your nephews and knock some sense into them?

If you're going to do everything for a person.....then why should they bother with moving their own haath/pair? They wouldn't. And what do you get in return from them? Do they respect you? NO! Instead they treat you like a doormat. People lose respect for those that don't set boundaries.

Reflect over why you feel the need to be in charge of everything. Is it control issues? Do you subconsciously like the idea of others "depending" on you......is it the desire to feel needed? Is it the desire for praise? Low self-esteem issues?

You and your husband need to sit down and discuss matters with the irresponsible parents. Who knows? Maybe tell them that you'll call social services on them if they don't shape up.

By playing everybody else's roles for them, you're going to miss out on living your own life and fuliflling the righs of your three children and spouse. You're depriving them and it can damage those relationships. And when that happens......all those people that you're helping are not going to be there to fix things for you.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

You're making your family really really lazy...

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy


**Firstly, the way you spelled the word VEHMI is 100% CORRECT! congratulations! :)

i think you need to see a psychiatrist for your condition. it would NOT be advisable for a lay-person like GS folks to give any professional advice. i gave the best advice i could and that is you should see a psychiatrist.**

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

my mum has language issues and can not drive.
See i do all this after every fails to do their tasks. i live with my parents.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

Well, they'd have more of a chance of "failing" their tasks.....if you actually backed off so they'd be forced to do them on their own.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

ok so if she has language/mobility issues, that's fine if you help her out...but im a little lost, in first post you said you live in a joint family..that usually means living with your in laws...
so in this case, the nephews are from your brother and the SIL is ur bhabi?

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

i dont play everyone's role. for example my sis, if i dont remind her about her admission dates and if she forgets, than wat will happend. i dont want her to suffer and or not get admission.

i dont want others to depend on me. i am tired of doing everything. i do when they DO NOT.

but SIL does not care about anything. she can sit and listen to her kids crying; or sit around watching tv and not knowing where her kids are. for example, the eldest wants to ride bike; he asks him mother she would ignore; he would come to me and say please. than i have to do it.i want him to ride his bike.

no one praises me or says i do something.

my dad is like me too. he would worry even about tiny thing and not relax till its done.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

yes

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

If she forgets something as imp as college admission dates, then she will deal with the consequences. It's harsh but she's not a child who doesn't know better, she's old enough to take responsibility for her own actions. You being there for every single thing isn't going to help her in life AT ALL.

Honestly...the only thing I'd worry about is your brother's kids...doesn't your brother say anything to her? Frankly, it's shocking that she seems to be so lazy to the point that she doesn't even give her kids medicine.

If this was in the US or another country...child services would/should be called just because of the lack of medical attention they're getting.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

Taking care of your parents is great. :k: As your sister is in her final year of high school, I think it is also alright to help her navigate through the college application process. However once she starts college, don’t get too involved other than gently reminding her once in a while to study hard if you think she isn’t.

Your brother and SIL not only seem to have delegated their parenting responsibilities to you but also appear ungrateful. I would suggest you let your nephews be unless they are playing with something dangerous or there is immediate danger to their health or something. Once you become a little distant or move out, as you soon will, their parents hopefully will become less negligent because you won’t be there to take care of them all the time. Meanwhile, your dad should ask your brother and SIL to become more serious about parenting. Don’t be too confrontational like saying they are bad parents but they do need to be reminded to get their act together.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

I don't think you have OCD. I think you just have a type A personality (I think that's what it is called?).

Your sister-in-laws are ridiculous if they're not keeping an eye on their babies. It's poor judgement to leave a toddler in a tub with running water. It could be that she's keeping in mind the time and how fast the tub fills, but it's very easy to have things slip from one's mind. And playing with a screwdriver or having a wire around the neck is completely unacceptable. It almost sounds like their really immature moms or don't want to be mothers.

Dirty dishes- that's normal too if you feel the need to wash them everyday. But if it is a problem to you, then try to just rinse them with water and wash them the next morning.

You've just had to grow up fast I guess and feel the need to look after everyone. It's not abnormal. You just have to realize that if you keep doing that, the people you are taking care of are going to get spoiled and will never grow up themselves. I'm not sure if you have kids or not, but maybe once you will, you will worry more about your own kids than others.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

Dad has tried to talk several times; but they think they are doing anything wrong. dad is very strict about feeding them on time; SIL wouldnt and when dad asks her to feed them well and on time, would make face and goes to her room. my nephews are very fussy about food and they need someone to run after them to feed; so she prefers to aviod feeding than running after them.
dad tried to talk calmly with them but she has belief that she never had breakfast in her life, it doesnt matter about the kids too.

where i get involve is when she is in her room, kids walk out of the room but still remain in the upper story; she never checks on them. youngest one goes around the bathrooms and plays there with whatever he gets.

she i hear noise or him making noises; i go and take him out of the bathroom.

i cant leave him there playing with watever he gets or eating tooth paste.

my brother was asking her to feed them on time and all the stuff; nowadays he has stopped and would agree with her mostly.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

Read post #13 over and over - all the answers are there! Esp the last para

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thanks. i don’t know at psychiatrist. being desi its nt easy to take this step. :mad:

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

You do not have to run after the kids for feeding , if they are hungry they will ask for food.
Stop caring and others will stop depending on you.
When you stop caring just make sure nobody gets hurt due to negligence.
Buy ear plugs to filter out the noises kids make . Motherly instincts are powerful enough to bring your SIL back to their normal life , since they know that they can count on you therefore they are being lazy bum.
Assign days for household chores , if someone does not do it on their turn you should not do it either.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

u’re welcome…i understand but it’s about ur mental and physical health so one must take the big step…May Allah make things better for ALL of u…aameen

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

You sound like my sister! She has OCD too. She and her husband went to pakistan for six months to live with his parents and siblings. She wanted to get to know them and stuff. Anyway, she was driving herself crazy over how everyone didn't do jack and she had to do everything around the house. Let's just say my sister and I are polar opposites. She would constantly complain over the phone to our mother and say how her SILs don't do jack around the house and mind you, they have a huge mansion in Pakistan yet not a single servant except for a driver and a chaukidar. So someone was doing the chores before she went there...and the house is just fine without her even now. I went there too and her SILs are just fine, they do what needs to be done and don't sweat over every little thing.

My point is you are enabling them to be lazy..they didn't ask you to look after their children, you can't help but do just that because of your disorder. How's it their fault? You are probably very annoying picking up their kids, acting like they can't take care of their own kids. Lazy people become responsible when they absolutely have to. The kids won't starve or die without you...they are not your kids, stop trying to act like you are their mother.

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Re: why am i trying to be everyones ammy

Going along the lines of what Theorist said...

If you are taking care of your SILs kids, I'm sure they hate you for it. I would not like it if my SIL was watching over my kids and implying I'm a horrible mother. I said it before, she's a careless mother. But by watching over her kids, you're hurting your relationship with the other family members as well. You just need to back off. Unless you see grave danger to the children, don't intervene. The kids will eat when they're hungry. You can't always chase after kids to make them eat. Sometimes they have to be taught that lesson that if they don't sit and eat at the right time, then they'll have to go hungry a little longer. It's a part of discipline.