Who's to blame?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Who's to blame?

If we are talking about a fifth grader then yeah I’will put heavy responsibility on parents shoulders for a misbehaving child. But for rebellious teens and twenties not so much.

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Re: Who’s to blame?

I have seen this scenario first hand, in my extended family… sad, but true…

Sehrysh… :bulbuli:

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Re: Who's to blame?

You can not absolve the parents from their part just by saying " rebellious teens", what caused them to be rebellious becomes a big question mark.

However , the onus of realizing the erroneous behavior and an effort to find a fix is mostly with the kids yet the society that includes the near kin can not stay indifferent to the situation.

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Re: Who’s to blame?

These parents that I’m speaking of have done everything they can to help/figure this child out…counseling, medication even moving to 3-4 different cities to change the enviroment/influences be near family. Nothing has helped. The kid (now 20 years old, in college) is just rotten. She’s been diagnosed as mild bipolar disorder (or at least that’s what they say) but I don’t know, I’ve seen this kid since she was born…and I’m just stumped.

They are still paying for her college tuition (she is a brilliant academic student) with the hopes that once she is done with school, she’s out on her own for good I guess…

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Re: Who's to blame?

The MIL!

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Re: Who's to blame?

guppan ishtyle response. :@:

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Re: Who's to blame?

If Kid is told about halal/haram and taught that he shouldn't do haram activities but some common haram activities are done in front of him then he wudnt consider the halal/haram line a big thing. It will be easier for him to cross the line.
So i cant totally blame Kid here

On the other hand If parents not only taught kids well but also provided them an environment where lies are considered BIG DEAL, eating non Zabiha chicken from Mcdonalds is looked upon as bad thing, use of foul language is not allowed and other examples like this are setup by parents; and kid still turns out bad then i think more responsibility goes to kids than parents.

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Re: Who's to blame?

ok.....
but usually what happens is parents do not have same rules and structure for All kids.... they have much more leniency, aggressiveness, compassion, higher expectations, favourtism etc. towards thier kids depending on their kids nature, age and gender. ... if you are the part of big family then i m sure you know this already...
.....

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Re: Who's to blame?

There is not always a cause.
At some point you are responsible for your own actions. Teens know right from wrong, legal from illegal so choices they make are very much their own.

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Re: Who's to blame?

You are implying that someone who drinks and has pre marital sex is not a normal, productive and functioning person which is an unfair comment. That child just has different values of right and wrong than the rest of the family so to everyone else they are religiously in the wrong, doesn't make them abnormal freaks who will bum off for the rest of their lives.

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4 children, same parents, same rules but one black sheep..every child is unique..no? Maybe that child has some special needs..which the parents didnt focus on..
One child might b shy other might b confident..one good at studies the other not so good..everyone is different..
A child's upbringing totally depends on the parents(unless child is psychologically sick) and yes they r responsible for it whether directly or indirectly..but once a child is old enough to differentiate between right and wrong, still continues to be bad then he is responsible for himself.

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Re: Who's to blame?

Children aren't solely a product of what their parents teach them/raise them with. They're exposed to a million different things everyday; TV, friends, Internet crap...there's a lot to take in, especially for a growing kid. A huuuuuge part of what you are is bcos of our parents...but sometimes they can't shield kids from everything. Parenting is tough - the job of instilling your kids with a strong sense of morals/values etc is difficult to say the least.

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Re: Who’s to blame?

what s_punk said, and that children are not putty, and there is only so much one can mold them to fit into all ones ideas and scheme of things. they do make conscious choices and judgement calls even before they are adults, especially about their ideas of identity. try too hard and you’ll get a spineless lump that fits your mold well but does little else. :snooty:

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Re: Who's to blame?

No, I am not implying anything....I was typing fast and chose the first word that came to mind to convey the message. Please don't disect my comment to that degree. What I meant was that in this particular family that I have intimate knowledge of, 3 of the 4 children have not rebeled against the parents to the extent that the 4th child has. And the the child in question is the eldest sibling. This has nothing to do with religion. If this particular family was Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or Atheist, I'd be saying the exact same thing. Pre marital sex at the age of 14, doing hard drugs at 12, running away and hitching rides from complete strangers...pathologicaly lying....that is what I meant by "normal". Did you miss the part where I said the child is academically brilliant? And that the parents have done everything they possibly know to help correct these behaviors and save their child from ruining her life, including moving out of the country so that she doesn't wind up in the Juvenile system??? And when family threw in the towel and ridculed them, hurled gaalis and harsh words at them, and basically disowned them lest she "spoil" their children as well, they still stuck by her doing whatever they could to keep her from harming herself or others in the house. I have hardly implied that she will become a good for nothing bum just because she drank and had sex. Don't put words in my mouth.

No two situations are alike. I'm not going to speak in generalizations or about anybody else's business. All I know is that in this particular instance, of which I have first hand knowledge, there was not a different set of rules or double standard, or different behaviors towards any of the children. The two daughters and two sons were all treated 110% equally. This is a moderate, upper class family where the two parents are doing the best they know how to do. here is no forcing of religion. No abuse. No divorce. No out of the ordinary problems. It defies logic why one child is out of control (yes, i consider stealing, pathological lying, running away out of control. Does that make me judgemental?) My point in this whole thing it is possible for parents to to everything right, and still have children who are hellbent on going down a dangerous path.

Thank you...this is exactly what I mean. Parents can do their best, but sometimes that is not enough. There are no black and white absolutes when it comes to child rearing, and not everything makes sense all of the time.

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Re: Who's to blame?

Just give 'em a good smack. Works in the old country (whatever said old country may be).

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Re: Who's to blame?

There's a reason she rebelled. Sometimes the parents are too harsh and sometimes too soft. Khattichic, how did the family react to her bad behavior.

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Re: Who's to blame?

^^like any family would....go back and read my initial post where I wrote what the parents did to help the daughter.....in fact they even got her onto competitive sports...the girl and her brother are junior Olympic medalists in Tae Kwon Do...

Sometimes there is no logical reason for rebelling.

Can we just agree to disagree?

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Re: Who's to blame?

friends r huge part ..

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Re: Who's to blame?

There isn't always a black and white answer. It might be the parents......but I think that when you become an adult who has the ability to differentiate beween right and wrong, then there is only so much blame you can place upon your ubringing. As an adult, you need to accept responsibility for your actions.

I also think that most parents have good intentions ....most don't desire ill for their children, but their parenting methods might not be effective. For instance, they may believe (based on how they themselves were raised) that rigidly imposing a rule and will lead to successful adherence, when it may backfire because there's a lack of understanding behind it.

Environment (peers, etc) also plays a role. And to put all the blame on the environment is also too simplistic...because things like self-concept/esteem factor in as well. And again, as an adult you have the responsibility of making sound decisions for yourself. The "adult" bit can be argued as well...as to at what point is one believed to have the ability to better use their judgement. Leniency can be shown to a 4-year-old....but what if it's an 18-year-old? Where the line is drawn is a tough question to answer.

Genetics. I don't know exactly what the research says, but I've heard that certain personality traits are inherited. Then there are also disorders such bipolarism, NPD, oppositional defiant disorder, etc. The person has the responsibility of seeking treatment, and sometimes that can be hard to do because they don't realize that they have a problem let alone that their actions are hurting others.

Blackforest had said that it's an assumption that one who drinks/sleeps around isn't or cannot be a functioning and productive member of society....and I agree with that. However, I also think that certain habits (if not controlled or handled responsibly such as drinking/sleeping around) CAN have a detrimental effect on not only that individual but others as well. Your habits can affect your health/work performance/colleagues/relationships.....and these things are all connected and a part of society.

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Re: Who's to blame?

Khattichic, there isn't enough info in what you wrote.

From what it sounds it seems like the parents were too **soft **on her.