I was talking to my khala tonight about all these typical believes in desi culture especially in Pakistan.
We need to give VIP treatment to damaads and in in laws of daughter so that our daughter/ sister is respected by in laws.
As we are “larki walay” we should not have any ego (in case of larki walay, its self respect actually)
We should not break engagements/ marriages even if we see big red flags because no body will come to marry the rest of the girls and when the kids will grow up. Nobody will come to wed the daughters of a divorcee.
Everything is opposite if you’re on the other side of the road.
I was against all the above things and I said its better to have a broken marriage and broken angagement rather than endless compromises and sacrifices which are not appreciated.
Futher I said, When you continue in such a marriage you might be able to remain married till the end but what about the kids who grow up in this kind of household where arguments/ fights / emotional and physical abouse is a routine, it will effect their life and consequently their respective married lives. So what could have been stopped by getting a divorce you let it happen for several years.
Now I dont agree to what she was saying but 80-90% of the parents in Pakistan think like this and make decisions on the above parameters.
I know my mother, she would not accept a divorcee as DIL even my mother is not so typical and very kind hearted.
We are hypocrates and we have double standards but someone has to stop these rotten traditions and rasm o rawaj. Can our generation take a pledge to stand against it or let it transfer to next generation.
I do agree with PCG, that we need to educate our daughters so that they can survive independetnly as a person not as a woman. We need to brought up our sons to respect and love their spouses and this can only be done if we demonstrate this in our lives.
Why not take a step today than to regret after 10/15 years. Now say what u will do and have done and not what you believe should have been done or would do. Because we are always wiser when its not our life.
How about MIL and DIL and SIL who make the live of the couple a living hell. I do agree when you say that Men have to stand up against their mother/sister and daughter when she is saying something wrong but can men alone do that?
I know of a couple of engagements that broke because the parents took a stand against jahez, even a nikkah for a couple who discovered compatibility issues. Mashallah, all the girls are married to different people. Their parents could have compromised on the first go but if you know someone’s wrong for then why cry about it later when you willingly step in the fire.
And I don’t know why people treat the inlaws like Gods. The more I see parents over compensate with the worse situation becomes.
Yup. My cousin who broke her nikkah even got plenty of rishtas afterwards. And we’re definitely not the kind of social circle where divorces are common. I think when families are educated acceptance becomes easier. The marriages wouldn’t have happened like 30 years ago but families are evolving along with the times. Everything still depends on how a social circle tackles a dissolution of a relationship. If it’s all a gleeful blame game then a girl in a more conservative setting would definitely suffer a great setback by a broken engagement.
I think some families are slowly realizing how important the values, personality, behavior of a bride/groom are and these factors are becoming more important in the rishta game. I haven’t encountered as many families who make a decision based on a picture like my grandparents did for their kids, then cried later when the bahu or son in law was a problem.
You forgot that girls have to be silent and obedient 24/7. God forbid someone treats you unfairly, and you say anything.
Although some people still have such backwards mentality, it is changing. All the people I know apart from like a very small number do not have such mentality any more.
Also, I think men and their families should treat the girl and her family better, not vice versa. After all, it is her that leaves her parents house.
Isn’t it a common civic sense to treat other people with respect even if your daughter/son is not married to their son/daughter?
In a marriage there is never 100% fault of only one party (girl, guy or their families). Almost, always both sides contribute to the issues until they become catastrophic.
and for the comments that girls have to be obedient and silent 24/7… A guy and his family want a living human being as his wife and their DIL, not a robot or pathar ki murti!
things are the way they are in our culture. You can change yes but you cannot change the entire society .. at least not in your lifetime. These backward values have been there for hundreds of years to take hold. Its not easy to get rid of them. So the only thing you can do is vent
We may not be able to change things in our lifetime but don’t you agree that we have to start somewhere?
And the stronger the start, the sooner the change is going to come.
Quran was revealed upon humanity along with living examples OVER 1400 years ago. Yet, the minds and ignorance prevails in our daily lives. These social issues remain the same as they did BEFORE revelation.
I agree, change comes with us. If we don’t change then our kids won’t and so that vicious cycle would go on and on. But we right now cannot expect the benefit to be reaped today. So all we could do is vent and teach our kids better values
My family is kind of weird withe whole Jahaiz thing - we don’t take Jahaiz from bahus but give it to daughters like it’s going out of fashion. Crazy, surely whats good for the gander is good for the goose!
Dunno which Pakistan are you living in but people have moved on atleast in bigger cities. Larki waley break lot of engagements on many issues, its not a big deal. One family I know broke off engagement of their daughter just bcoz they felt FIL was insisting for walima to be held in their native city.
As far Jahez, most people ask each others views about it even b4 engagement.
