Who to choose?

[Reha]

@Decent_6Chora

What if she marries a guy in IL and after 6 months they have to move because of his job (or whatever unavoidable circumstances) ? Will she apply of khulla/divorce?

In essence, moving/no moving should not be a Issue in bigger picture. She should consider other factors instead of making this a key issue unless of course guy lives in lets say Rawanda or Afghanistan etc. I am assuming that he lives only in different state of US

Now why would you say such a thing?? She is trying to make the right choice and here you are antagonizing and making her seem like a villain.

@AmorAmor

No one can really advise which option is best. Your friend knows these guys way better than anyone on here could presume them to be from the info you have provided.

Maybe ask your friend questions such as:-

Who she can see a future with?
Is moving a complete no no?
What if no.2 later decides he isn’t keen on moving?
Would she be happier living with no.1 who has a child that doesn’t live with him, or taking the role of new mummy to no.2’s two children?

Distance is an issue in both cases. Your friend should decide based on the fact that she has to move either way. Yes no.2 may move for her but this isn’t guaranteed, and if it does not happen she should only place herself in this situation if she would be happy to move to where he is.

Okay, I was talking to her today and she seems to be leaning towards option 2 because of their compatibility level.

I should explain her reasons for not moving a little more: her family needs her. She is the eldest and one of the main supporters of the household. She feels compelled to stick around so her parents dont end up feeling alone or suffering in her absence.

No 2 is pretty keen on moving because he is tired of where he is. He is going to move regardless of whether they work out or not.

@Muzna

It is very difficult to leave behind a community that you have made yourself a part of.
She should think about why the other person would want to; turn the tables and see how the shoe fits.

I have a friend that married father of two (i.e. 4 years and 2 years at the time if memory serves me) that had custody of his kids. She moved from Toronto to a small town in Wisconsin. She was forced to adopt to being a mom immediately and quite frankly, she did amazingly! She subsequently had two more kids and all has been just fine.

Of course she knew that there would be expectations and adjustments to be made but her love for this man made it all possible.

My choice would be #1.

Its very hard for her and I can understand her issue because I myself didnt move too far after marriage…only 20 minutes away for the same reasons.

Muzna, your friend sounds like a strong woman and Im glad she was able to get through and make her marriage work! Mashallah, that is an amazing story and I will pass it on. Better yet, I might just ask her to read this thread.

@smilestar

is she only marrying a man with a child/children because she feels she has no other options being a divorced woman?

what about marrying a single guy?

No way! She is divorced and wants someone who can understand her emotions as a divorcee. Its not about options, its about understanding and being able to find comfort in knowing your partner gets you. These men just coincidentally had children, she wasnt looking for them.

@aly-sam

I’d probably say no. 1 because the child is small and also not predominantly dependent on him. Its not easy being a stepmother especially when the children are of a certain age. How old are no. 2s children?

But here are my questions which may cause concern. The 1st one seems to be recently divorced and I’m not sure if thats a good thing. Since the baby is small, it points out to a fairly recent divorce. Is he still bitter? Check on that. Perhaps he is not yet over her? Check on that. Also the biggest concern is that since the child is small, the separation probably took place during pregnancy or not too long after birth. Check on the reasons and background of the situation why divorce took place.

The 2nd one…what are the circumstances leading to him having full custody of the kids? Is the mother at all involved?

My other question…Is there a 3rd guy?..ok Just kidding!

He doesnt seem bitter but I dont really know for sure. From what I hear, his marriage only lasted a few months so he isnt attached to her. Im not sure about the rest of your questions regarding no 1 as I dont know.

No 2 has full custody because the mother was very negligent with the children and he was able to prove that in court. Mother has limited involvement, she has visitation once a week I believe but thats it.