Re: Who to choose?
i'd go with guy #1, for reasons already mentioned.
I'd probably say no. 1 because the child is small and also not predominantly dependent on him. Its not easy being a stepmother especially when the children are of a certain age. How old are no. 2s children?
But here are my questions which may cause concern. The 1st one seems to be recently divorced and I'm not sure if thats a good thing. Since the baby is small, it points out to a fairly recent divorce. Is he still bitter? Check on that. Perhaps he is not yet over her? Check on that. Also the biggest concern is that since the child is small, the separation probably took place during pregnancy or not too long after birth. Check on the reasons and background of the situation why divorce took place.
The 2nd one...what are the circumstances leading to him having full custody of the kids? Is the mother at all involved?
My other question...Is there a 3rd guy?....ok Just kidding!
Re: Who to choose?
I think both sound like great guys, so she can't really go wrong. What a happy problem! She will be a in a good situation either way, inshAllah. But the situations will be different. In the end, is there one man that she sees as more of a partner for life -- beyond the basics of the situation?
Based on the information you've given, I think I myself would pick option 1 unless there was something REALLY important tying me to Illinois. But the personality of the man will make all the difference.
Re: Who to choose?
none. look for single guy. No1 will be challenging too actually more than number 2. living with step-kids is easier than having them as guests where u hav no control over anything. n he might come n go any time. on weekends, school breaks, whenever mom feels like dropping him off to dad's place. plus this will never develop a relation b/w the mom n step-son.hubby will b in constant contact with ex wife n relative. this will n can cause jealousies.
if he really wanna marry a dad she should go for 2 or none.
in sit.# 2 there will b more sacrifices, ppl will b judging her every move but family will be completed. she'll hav more control over kids n her situation. dad won't b a rolling mass. if done rightly she can develop good relations with kids easily. she can limit ties with ex as desirable.
none... wait for the other proposal.... ..if she cant then she should choose someone with minimum ties and who is not recently broke
none. look for single guy. No1 will be challenging too actually more than number 2. living with step-kids is easier than having them as guests where u hav no control over anything. n he might come n go any time. on weekends, school breaks, whenever mom feels like dropping him off to dad's place. plus this will never develop a relation b/w the mom n step-son.hubby will b in constant contact with ex wife n relative. this will n can cause jealousies. if he really wanna marry a dad she should go for 2 or none. in sit.# 2 there will b more sacrifices, ppl will b judging her every move but family will be completed. she'll hav more control over kids n her situation. dad won't b a rolling mass. if done rightly she can develop good relations with kids easily. she can limit ties with ex as desirable.
yea.. this is what i was indicating to. just couldn't be bothered to explain it fully.
Re: Who to choose?
When I posted asking the men if they would marry someone with kids, most of them said yes. Now maybe they just weren't in the mood to get in my face.
Hmm. Marry the person YOU want to spend the rest of your life with and keep in mind there may always be the risk for friction between your kids and those from a precious marriage/fling.
If it was me, I'd marry him. I was about to marry a guy who had a child so this wouldn't be all that far off. However the logistics always is an issue an if he is in state x because that is where his kids are - you need to be prepared to live there. I have a career that may require some moving so it was becoming an issue we were trying to work out and even then I was willing to make the saccrifice and be tied down to one state. I'm kinda glad it all ended and I'm not tied down by geographics currently, but yeah...she will have to saccrifice.
Other thing you have to remember is all the complications that go with step kids. Some of them do not adapt to new step parents well and as they become teenagers they can become nightmares.
I know it's a cheap shot but check out Faisal qureishis interview by bushra ansari. His second wife left him because his daughter from the first marriage is now a teen and living with them and just had behavior issues and didn't get along with her step mom.
What if she marries a guy in IL and after 6 months they have to move because of his job (or whatever unavoidable circumstances) ? Will she apply of khulla/divorce?
In essence, moving/no moving should not be a Issue in bigger picture. She should consider other factors instead of making this a key issue unless of course guy lives in lets say Rawanda or Afghanistan etc. I am assuming that he lives only in different state of US
Now why would you say such a thing?? She is trying to make the right choice and here you are antagonizing and making her seem like a villain.
No one can really advise which option is best. Your friend knows these guys way better than anyone on here could presume them to be from the info you have provided.
Maybe ask your friend questions such as:-
Who she can see a future with? Is moving a complete no no? What if no.2 later decides he isn't keen on moving? Would she be happier living with no.1 who has a child that doesn't live with him, or taking the role of new mummy to no.2's two children?
Distance is an issue in both cases. Your friend should decide based on the fact that she has to move either way. Yes no.2 may move for her but this isn't guaranteed, and if it does not happen she should only place herself in this situation if she would be happy to move to where he is.
Okay, I was talking to her today and she seems to be leaning towards option 2 because of their compatibility level.
I should explain her reasons for not moving a little more: her family needs her. She is the eldest and one of the main supporters of the household. She feels compelled to stick around so her parents dont end up feeling alone or suffering in her absence.
No 2 is pretty keen on moving because he is tired of where he is. He is going to move regardless of whether they work out or not.
It is very difficult to leave behind a community that you have made yourself a part of. She should think about why the other person would want to; turn the tables and see how the shoe fits.
I have a friend that married father of two (i.e. 4 years and 2 years at the time if memory serves me) that had custody of his kids. She moved from Toronto to a small town in Wisconsin. She was forced to adopt to being a mom immediately and quite frankly, she did amazingly! She subsequently had two more kids and all has been just fine.
Of course she knew that there would be expectations and adjustments to be made but her love for this man made it all possible.
My choice would be #1.
Its very hard for her and I can understand her issue because I myself didnt move too far after marriage...only 20 minutes away for the same reasons.
Muzna, your friend sounds like a strong woman and Im glad she was able to get through and make her marriage work! Mashallah, that is an amazing story and I will pass it on. Better yet, I might just ask her to read this thread.
is she only marrying a man with a child/children because she feels she has no other options being a divorced woman?
what about marrying a single guy?
No way! She is divorced and wants someone who can understand her emotions as a divorcee. Its not about options, its about understanding and being able to find comfort in knowing your partner gets you. These men just coincidentally had children, she wasnt looking for them.
I'd probably say no. 1 because the child is small and also not predominantly dependent on him. Its not easy being a stepmother especially when the children are of a certain age. How old are no. 2s children?
But here are my questions which may cause concern. The 1st one seems to be recently divorced and I'm not sure if thats a good thing. Since the baby is small, it points out to a fairly recent divorce. Is he still bitter? Check on that. Perhaps he is not yet over her? Check on that. Also the biggest concern is that since the child is small, the separation probably took place during pregnancy or not too long after birth. Check on the reasons and background of the situation why divorce took place.
The 2nd one...what are the circumstances leading to him having full custody of the kids? Is the mother at all involved?
My other question...Is there a 3rd guy?....ok Just kidding!
He doesnt seem bitter but I dont really know for sure. From what I hear, his marriage only lasted a few months so he isnt attached to her. Im not sure about the rest of your questions regarding no 1 as I dont know.
No 2 has full custody because the mother was very negligent with the children and he was able to prove that in court. Mother has limited involvement, she has visitation once a week I believe but thats it.
Now why would you say such a thing?? She is trying to make the right choice and here you are antagonizing and making her seem like a villain.
Okay, I was talking to her today and she seems to be leaning towards option 2 because of their compatibility level.
I should explain her reasons for not moving a little more: her family needs her. She is the eldest and one of the main supporters of the household. She feels compelled to stick around so her parents dont end up feeling alone or suffering in her absence.
No 2 is pretty keen on moving because he is tired of where he is. He is going to move regardless of whether they work out or not.
Its very hard for her and I can understand her issue because I myself didnt move too far after marriage...only 20 minutes away for the same reasons.
Muzna, your friend sounds like a strong woman and Im glad she was able to get through and make her marriage work! Mashallah, that is an amazing story and I will pass it on. Better yet, I might just ask her to read this thread.
No way! She is divorced and wants someone who can understand her emotions as a divorcee. Its not about options, its about understanding and being able to find comfort in knowing your partner gets you. These men just coincidentally had children, she wasnt looking for them.
He doesnt seem bitter but I dont really know for sure. From what I hear, his marriage only lasted a few months so he isnt attached to her. Im not sure about the rest of your questions regarding no 1 as I dont know.
No 2 has full custody because the mother was very negligent with the children and he was able to prove that in court. Mother has limited involvement, she has visitation once a week I believe but thats it.
1- If she has the choice then wait for someone who is without a child. One way or other the ex-wife will be involved especially in US.
2- If she wants to marry a divorced man so he can understand better then this is not really a good/strong reason. Single men can also be understanding. I am assuming she was not divorced due to her fault.
3- Let's compare the two here.
a- #1 has one child. # 2 has two.
b- #1 has still ex-wife more closely attached. #2 has no significant role of ex-wife.
c- # 1 is perhaps recently divorced.
d- She will have to move for #1. But may come back later though.
e- #2 according to her seems to have won her heart. Does this mean, # 1 is still attached to her ex-wife or he is just not really a good guy.
More info is needed in terms of their financial/job situation and their personal/ family compatibility. Their educational compatibility may not be so important as long as at least one is strong (preferably man) financially. Man has to pay alimony or whatever too. Also her ability to have children.
She has to keep in mind:
Heart can be trained, tamed, but mind cannot.
You can make yourself love someone or make someone love you. But you cannot easily make someone think or act or learn better if already mature.
Re: Who to choose?
the biggest prob in step relations is the tug of war b/wvarious relations.
i thinks its mosty not the step kids who won't accept the new parents. its the relatives around them who don't let them do that. they keep poisioning their minds n then every effort is seen as negative. So PS if ur friend goes for #2 tell her be very political with kids but same time slowly keep them at bay from any toxin relative she sees around.
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Ask her to do an Isthikhaara.
There is no one better to guide you than Allah.