Just for general advice about family, espes. marriage matters? I prefer talking to a female.
please e-mail me.
thank you.
we can all help Zoha.. ask away..
Many thanks PakistanAbroad.
The situation I am involved in is pretty long and tedious. I can't write it all down now and I don't have regular access to the ne. i feel i can't talk to family and close friends about it anymore and so like to talk to a balanced third person/starnger from my own background for advice on how to handle myself.
try a dost.. or ifyour in school you can try talking to an advisor
talk to shirin or muzna here.
Talk to Mo Best or Gamma
Zoha, you can talk to any one of us guppies that you feel comfortable with. 
However, in general, if you have a very close friend, talk to her/him about it to get a different but insightful perspective. Best of luck, kiddo! :k:
many many thanks to all that replied and for being genuinly good ppl.
Zoha
My approach may not always be the best, but it is with the best intentions. I will just put some of your statements together and see how you feel. I have moved the statements around to make a better flow for my view of this.
Again, I dont know the details and I dont know you 2 personally so I am only basing this on what you have said so far.
Talk to other people, maybe some marriage counselors etc to get a professional advise on the matter.
[QUOTE]
Originally posted by Zoha: *
I guess what i am asking for is councelling *
we are all amateurs here, so listen to all opinions but in the end do what you feel is right.
*few months later the relationship gets very abusive (in every sense). I temporarily move away. *
I am assuming you are still away, and if so, that is good because you can be away from teh situation and think clealry.
as far as relationship being abusive goes, that should be your clue right there. If a person cant respect you and will be abusive, why be with this person.
*I don't know if i should try and give it anothe chance to save hurting ppl i love (my parents will stand beside me no matter what happens)and because i also know he has no one else to turn to and this is the really important thing here. *
Who cares if he has no one else to turn to??
You have to figure out whats best for you, and if whats best for you is nto best for him too bad. Unless there is some possibility of goign to family copunselling and this dude getting some other therapy to make him a civilized person you should just go.
Whether or not he has no one to turn to or whether or not he would be all alone or depressed are not your issues.
*the easiest thing would be to cut off the relationship forever but i would feel guilty *
Hey if feeling guilty is worse than feeling emotionally, verbally and physically abused, then use that as the gauge.
First of all you should not feel guilty for cutting off the ties with someone who can not treat you properly. and secondly even if there is a little sense of loss because ppl do get attached somehow, in my view thats better than dealing with abuse day in and day out.
*if i stay i want to know what to do and how to stop myself being flooded with these feelings espes feeling repulsed. *
In my view the only condition you should stay is if he changes his ways. you should not put yourself through this i.e. dealing with his abuse and dealing with your own repulsion and all.
*Can I continue? will i ever stop feeling like i do or is it best for both if it ends here? *
I dont have enough knowledge to give you an asnwer, while you have been away has he repented, does he admit he was wrong, does he want to do something to salvage the marriage. If there is a genuine interest and will on his part to make this work and to change his ways then maybe you can give it a try, otherwise I see no reason to continue.
Zoha, there is no room for any type of abuse in a relationship. If he has been abusing you (in every sense as you say), why would you want to give him a second chance to do that to you again? Once is clearly enough when it comes to abuse. That's just my take on things. I really hope things turn around for you. Wish you the best.
Zoha, You seem like a very strong person. Keep it up! Talking to people and friends helps ofcourse but in my opinion its important to seek professional help in this matter because its quite serios.
A counsellor in your area would be the best person to see rite now. Theyre experts in dealing with matters like you have described. You should make an appointment to see one with in this week. I am certain you will come out feeling a lot more confident and in control of the situation confronting you.
You need to know of your legal rites. (divorce, immigration status, property etc etc) Spousal abuse constitutes as a felony. He/ she will explain everything to you. Moreover, the counsellor could also refer you to your local peer group (people in similar circumstances like yourself) where you can learn how to deal with worry, anger, hurt and all the problems of a failing relationship. Counsellors are experts in giving both marital support & can also help you to become more independent. They can help you deal with changing situations so that you're able to adapt and adjust according to your own will and whatever is best for you.
I realise that your situation is very hard & you probably have a lot going through your mind rite now and I hope you are able to find help here but please see a counsellor too. All the best
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Chaltahai: *
Talk to Mo Best or Gamma
[/QUOTE]
Chaltahai please do not give away such good advice for free.
what about involving a well-respected religious intellectual man from your community (not a random moulvi) who can sit with the two of you, so you may explain to him calmly your situation. And then let this well-respected face ur husband with the things u say he has done.
If he deeply regrets what he has done you ought to give him a second chance, where you start things all over again slowly. However, if he abuses you like before, cutting it off may be the only solution.
Maybe you would tell what caused this abuse ? Did he blame you for anything ?
okay no advice frome me.. but guppies will be praying for u .. goodluck! :)
elder sister/cousin :) or someone very close to you a good friend :).
If not US guppies are always here :)
I was in this situation once upon a time.........actually my situation sounds similiar............i tried again, but the mis-trust was still there but i cleared my mind and gave him the benefit of the doubt and told him that from this point on there had to be completely honesty
Needless to say some people are habitual, and I tried for a while and then it got worse, there was physical abuse involved and I decided I couldn't live like this..........and i decided to get divorced..........I don't have any regrets on my part because I tried my best...........
To you I suggest that if you have tried your best then you need to make a decision..........You need to decide if you want to live in that kind of turmoil or do you want a life that is peaceful for yourself..........
Good Luck, if you need any further advice or discuss anything pm me........
no one should tolerate any kind of abuse
I think the best thing will be to talk to him in the presence of a person who u both trust has the best of interest for both of u in his/her heart.
These problems dont resolve by themselves, they stay and they continue to grow with time and distance always leads to causing more problems.
I think u did the right thing in going away to save urself from abuse, not everyone can manage such a bold decision.
U need someone who can listen to both sides of the story seperately and then in each others presence, then only this problem can be resolved. A relative might not be a good choice coz no matter what, everyone forms opinions in such situations and right now u need someone who is unbiased and sensible. i hope u can find someone to help handling this issue of urs.
But no matter what happens just remember that good comes out of everything no matter how bad or wrong it might seem to us at that time. All the best