I think I’ve posted on this topic before…if so, sorry for the repetition but its come up again, its upsetting me and I really need to find peace with it.
We live in a suburb close to NYC. Its a SUPER rich town, 3rd highest in the nation for land taxes. VERY wealthy people who live the life of privelege. Our place is one of a few small houses…we are definitely at the bottom of the feeding chain as far as lifestyle goes.
While I’m not into “keeping up with the Joneses”, I also feel that this is not the place to raise our kids. I think the best place to be is in the middle somewhere…not at the top or at the bottom. I think being at the bottom will have negative effects on our littles esp as they get older.
Hubs definitively disagrees. He thinks that its a great thing that we live in a town of privelege. I on the other hand, am the one who brings my boys to play-dates in mansions with full time nannies (whether mom works or not), to birthday parties that cost upwards of 50 per kid (and note, these kids are pre-k and kindergarten), they get lexus and mercedes on 16th birthdays.
Yes, they are in a great school district. But the social aspect of living in this particular town - to me - just seems like it can cause trouble and I see nothing positive about being in a place where theres no way to be even close to middle.
OK so what say you people? and how to convince hubs?
Living environment is like a training ground for a child. He adopts the things either he likes it or not. If his fellows are having some thing and he is not, than it will only make him frustrated but not a hard worker.
Some days back I read a report and according to that mothers with high school education have more children with Phd as compare to the mothers with Masters or Phd. One thing that it reflects is that people with less luxury in life teaches them hard work and specially respect for other hard workers.
I totally agree with you to raise your children as middle class citizens and let them work hard for their future. Mostly us Asians here in America came from a middle class and it makes us easier for us to bear all the hardship here.
This is very right time for you to decide and make a true men out of them. InshaAllah you will make right choice.
your children perhaps are too young to develop an inferiority complex. Sooner or later, however, they will question their family's inability to compete with their neighbors. In other words, it's like 'you walk to the same walk, talk the same talk, but do not belong to the same class'. If that fact is understood positively, it will help them be more ambitious and hard-working, however, there is a strong downside risk as well. Only you can better analyze the situation as it is. Weigh your options!
Hareem, that isnt the point. I am not and never have been into competing. The thing is the vast difference in lifestyle between my sons and their peers. Peers have every luxury, go on vacations to exotic places, have huge expensive birthday parties, designer clothes, live-in nannies, private golf, tennis, karate, music lessons, most get lexus or bmw for their 16th birthday etc. My sons do not. Of course this may have an impact on them. And yes, we can and do raise them and teach them that material things do not equal happiness. We go camping for vacation instead of the french riviera. We buy our clothes at Target instead of Banana Republic or Hilfiger. But why not live in an area where we "fit in", where the standard of living is closer to ours, where our house is not the worst in the area but rather a "typical" house, where the kids in the area all do the same activities as mine and live the same type of lifestyle as mine. Makes more sense to me, seems we'd avoid problems that are avoidable yeah?
I am saying the following based on certain assumptions I made based on the information you provided. Please pardon my naiveté' if I am wrong.
If you move out of this place and live in a middle class neighborhood you can afford Hilfiger and what not. You will be able to afford a vacation on the French Riviera too. You and kids might not care about all this yet. You might not care about it all , all your life.
But the kids are little now pretty soon they will start to see and count what they are missing and question you and your husband and their life will be very miserable.
If one or two can afford a higher lifestyle than yours in a neighborhood it is easy to train kids to count their blessings but if the whole neighborhood is high up there and you are the lowest on the food chain then it pays to move out to where you are not at the top of the food chain but at least you are like everybody else.
I am sure you can find at least one middle class neighborhood with good school district in and around NY.
Obviously your husband feels very proud when he tell everybody where he lives when asked in a party. That is very empowering feeling. More powerful than telling others about other kind of fun you and your family is missing out on.
Mama, I tend to agree with you. If your kids grow up around people who do not value hard worke, then they may tend to develop the same values. Can it be done? Can one raise respectful, appreciative kids with good values in that type of environment? Absolutely! Is it a hellova lot harder? Very likely! Not to mention, kids WILL start seeing that their friends have certain things and they WILL feel bad if they can't have the same things. It's tough mama, but you're a great mama and I'm sure you'll do a splendid job.
As far as convincing hubby, tell him to listen to the mama, she knows all.
i was going to write something when i read this last night but i found it difficult to explain so i didn't. but i think Mirch pretty much hit the nail on the head.
i have seen cases myself where the parents have worked hard for a middle class lifestyle and also to be able to provide their children with a good education by sending them to expensive private schools. to be honest, i have never seen it work out well. i think it would be really difficult as social interaction revolves around what you can afford. not only will your children feel left out regardless of how much effort you put in to explain to them that these things are meaningless (they are the ones that have to go to school everyday and experience it first hand) but i have seen situation arises where the children end up resenting their parents/life for not being able to provide the same or putting them in this environment in the first place. or they grow up looking down on their parents. although i don't think you would have this problem since you're aware of the negative impact anway.
aahmed also raises some good points.
i think maybe your hubby needs to experience a little of what have. maybe if he sees what kind of lifestyle the kids in your children's classes have he will understand a little better.
bottom line is, your children can still get a good education elsewhere and also be with 'real people' and it will benefit them far more later in life.
Thank you for the kind words and support people, esp you Mr Aahmed! I dont think I'm going to get my hubs to budge. At least not for now. sigh at least my boys are still very young and if troubles arise as they get older, we can address it then and INshallah it wont be too late.
In the meantime sigh again we're getting our roof and gutters fixed and getting new windows in the house. These things needed to get done anyway if we want a good price to sell and hubby knows that if the house looks less worn-out then I'll feel better about living here....he is right really. But my main concerns still irk me. :(
I think growing up somewhere where people (or kids you hang out with) are similar to you, makes it a lot easier growing up. When I was growing up, we lived in an area of migrants from all over the place... well pople who had been in OZ for about 5-6 years prior to moving into the neighbourhood... so all our parents were roughly on the same level, in terms of mortgage, education and living expenses... therefore I never felt that I was competing with anyone... also, it taught me (or showed me) how life can be a slight struggle to get the stuff that u want... but at least ur still happy and not feeling like crap just cus u cant afford whatever ur friends have...
Im prob not making much sense.. but my point is.. i have seen other kids whose were parents werent doing so well, but lived in better off neighbourhoods.. and ive seen how the kids have grown up to be... my parents worked there way up.. and now when their children are all grown up, married and got kids themselves..... they can relax and live in a place that is classified "upper-class"
