You are with a friend. You have known them for two years. It only takes one incident. You get into an argument. All of a sudden, everything you hold dear is being held hostage by your friend. No wait, its dangling like a carrot infront of you. Your weakness, being waved infront of you like a flag. Fishing poles with your weaknesses on the hook. One by one they are brought out, for the world to see. You reach out to grab them, wanting to hide them. Wanting to put them back in their place. Where did your friend store them? Were they building a library with them? Filing them in different parts, ready to be used for each specified situation? This section is for the friends family members, and this section is for the persons self-esteem issues, and this section is for the time they did this to me, and this section is for their deep secrets they dont want anyone to know. I am building up my ammunition. You can’t hurt me, because I have all this to use against you. Try me. Just try me.
Sometimes I feel that people do this (including myself). Store weaknesses of the people they meet. Its inadvertant almost. Unintentional, subconciously perhaps. Is it required to protect ourselves? Is this necessary for survival? It seems people will remember things you said or did 3 years ago, which was a minor matter to you, but was building a minor storm in your friend. Ready to take you, given the opportunity. So my question is, should we be doing this? Is it natural? Should we be forgiven for doing this?
I'm known for NEVER forgetting things and sometimes when I get too heated up at my friends I bring out everything that is related to the conflict even if it's yearss old; however, I never do it in front of OTHERS. I don't like losing someone's trust...:-)
Munni, I often wonder if things I have told friends in confidence will be told to others if the relationship goes sour.
I for one have never (and hopefully never will) brought up things from the past that people have told me in trust or in general conversation. I think it's rude, disrespectful and childish to throw it in somebody's face during a confrontation ... the issue at hand should be dealt with rather than drudging up the past. Then again, if it relates to the issue at hand, then perhaps it would be acceptable to bring it up ... only to make a point though ... but not to belittle the other person just to win the argument. Just out of overall respect for the friendship whether things stay in tact or not after a confrontation, I would try not to bring up things they have told me. It's better to stay quiet in my opinion.
Treat others the way you want to be treated yourself. In other words, I wouldn't use things said in trust against someone unless I would like to have it done to me.
I can't comment on whether it is natural or not. I think if people really made an effort, then they would try not to do it, regardless of what the confrontation is or how badly a person has been hurt.
I never tell anyone anythign personal unless I have dirt on them as well. That way if things go bad, I have leverage to keep them for selling me out. :)
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*Originally posted by punjab da sher: *
I never tell anyone anythign personal unless I have dirt on them as well. That way if things go bad, I have leverage to keep them for selling me out. :)
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u've only got urself to blame. If ur prepared for someone else to know it, other than yourself then consider whatever u reveal forms part of public opinion.
At the end of the day, even if u think that 2nd person u've just told abt the humongus paintwork u had to have done on ur dads car isnt gna tell someone else BEFORE he/she gets to use it against u, think again.
So...
moral of story.......if ur tellin someone , something in confidence, think about how u would feel if 3 ppl cubed had the same knowledge, how you would feel. And if ur comfortable, then tell....if not,,,,,, then dont.
i think friends who dont bring up personal issues into arguments are real friends.. ive got 3 friends and we've got the worlds dirt about each other... we all keep it inside.. and the only time it comes out is when we're having a laff... not at bad times.. cus the things we say when we're angry are already bad enuff... hehe..
instead of thinking it in a negative light.... shouldnt u be thinking.. 'wow my friend knows all my bad points but is still my friend...' ... that way u'll appreciate the bond u have :)
I totally agree Sadzz. Your points are very true. :k: That’s actually how it is with me and my friends too. I know all their dirt and vice versa (not that I have any :halo: ) and the rare time a dispute ever occurs (which is like once in a blue moon), it stays on topic and their secrets stay in the closet rather than being brought up again during a confrontation. That is true friendship.
^ thanx Mehnaz.. yeah we're like that too.. dont bring up each other secrets... sure we discuss them and give criticism but they dont get brought up in arguments... unlike u and ur friend(s).. we're always disagreeing and arguing about one thing or another.. but its always a good laff... people are amused to see how we are so close dispite the differences in personalities and curses we throw at one another :)
.. i personally think people secrets are very sacred.. and if a friend shares it with u.. it becomes 10 times more private and u gotta keep it safe.. sometimes things do slip when ur really emotional.. lekin if ur friend understands that its just part of ur personality to talk rubbish when ur emotional... then its all good...
Yeah Sadzzz, I know what you mean and I agree. :k:. I have plenty of ammunition at my disposal, but don’t use it even in instances in the past where friendships have gone sour. I just don’t think it’s very respectful to the overall relationship even if I am no longer on speaking terms with the other person. Out of respect of what used to be, I would try my darn best to say nothing cause what you say is true … “secrets are very sacred.. and if a friend shares it with u.. it becomes 10 times more private and u gotta keep it safe”.
^ exactly :) just cus u aint friends with someone anymore.. doesnt mean u can go around tlaking about their lives... ive learnt from mistakes... sometimes something that u think is so little can mean the world to someone.... or it can be made into such a big issue... and trust me ive been caught in the middle... ouch.. neways i guess people should just treat one another the way they wish to be treated..
^ yeah i would... friendship is stronger than that... sometimes things happen without us wanting to.. and we dont even intend on saying it but we do.. and i think stuff like that can be forgiven.. if the person intentionally wants to hurt you then they arent ur friend in the first place..
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*Originally posted by sadzzz: *
^ yeah i would... friendship is stronger than that... sometimes things happen without us wanting to.. and we dont even intend on saying it but we do.. and i think stuff like that can be forgiven.. if the person intentionally wants to hurt you then they arent ur friend in the first place..
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For me it would depend on why things from the past were brought up. If it was done simply to be malicious or just to win the argument, then I would find it hard to forgive ... cause to me, that wouldn't be a very decent thing for any friend to do to another friend. I depends on the intention.
For me it would depend on why things from the past were brought up. If it was done simply to be malicious or just to win the argument, then I would find it hard to forgive ... cause to me, that wouldn't be a very decent thing for any friend to do to another friend. I depends on the intention.
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Okay, would your feelings change if the person you were arguing with was a loved one and not a friend? I think it sometimes happens that loved ones intentionally say things to hurt us, but yet we end up forgiving them because they are a loved one. If this is the case, why wouldnt you tolerate it from a friend or good friend?
I don’t know. I guess it depends on who the person is and how much I value them. For example, if it is a very good friend and they behaved like this, I would point it out to them afterwards and tell them I didn’t appreciate them bringing up irrelevant things from the past to win an argument. To me, it all depends on why it was brought up as I have said before.
If it was just any old friend, then I think the friendship would forever be changed. The trust would not be 100% there.
… I have ammunition on you too. 