Okay I know it’s pretty common that parents and grandparents can sometimes disagree on certain methods of raising kids…both have the childrens’ best interest at heart but have different methods of carrying it out…
I’m curious about when the husband and wife themselves are not on the same page about certain aspects of parenting…
For all you couples, did you ever talk about this or consider this before you had a baby?
What if issues pop up after the child is born, how do you deal with that situation?
u do what makes the husband happy infront of him and behind his back you take care of your child the way you would like. Seen this so many places...and now I know why....
i swearrrrrrrrr automne i learnt the hard way. my hubs is super senstive abt my daughter and i m on the middle ground and it can get so damn irritating. initially i used to explain and all but now i dun even bother.. it can b such a headache. now i just do what i wanna do. he is sometimesso illogical its not funny. wash ur hands.. mash up her food... dun let her take that in mouth... arghhhhhhhh its sooooo irritating. shes a kid for God sake.. and i m her mother... i wudnt let her do anything dangerous.. I cnt stop her from growing and doin her thing u know
u do what makes the husband happy infront of him and behind his back you take care of your child the way you would like. Seen this so many places...and now I know why....
anf confuse the child and raise them thinking such double standards and hiding stuff is ok.
why don't desis like to deal with things properly. -
anf confuse the child and raise them thinking such double standards and hiding stuff is ok.
why don't desis like to deal with things properly. -
philosophy its easier said than done.... if u have a hubs who is sensitive and annoyin u will do the same trust me. i used to defend whatever i did before (for my daughter) but not anymore...
philosophy, when desi men start listening to desi women when it comes to child rearing (and also appreciating the fact that the stay at home desi mom spends close to 10 hours alone with the child and does have some clues of what to do with the child) that is when the double standards will disappear.
When husband and wife are not on same page they should talk it out.If I have to convince my husband for something I come with facts and figures.Like I show him articles on magazines or some parenting links from parenting websites, enough to keep him quiet.:DUsually me and husband stay on same page in front of children.
yeah most of the time one shud hv a back up with fact and figures.. like Uz said.. but sometimes in small small matters u cnt open the book and say.. see i told u so... its not possible all the time. the thing men have to understand women are not dumb and are actually capable of takin care of a baby. i know a girl who once told her hubs that even a 17 yr old mother gets the power and brain to take care of a baby... to which he replied that those women are different they got brains... u r dumb... imagine that!!! men are like that they think their wives are dumb. i m not sayin all men but typical desi men are like that. why bother.. u live with ur baby all the time and know more than the father but the father always want to leave an impression that the woman knows nothin and he knows best. better to ignore and do ur thing then
In our case, we did have a few discussions before we had our baby, but obviously, discussing it is a lot different than being in a situation. We usually let each other handle however we're handling a situation with her, even if we don't agree with it. Later on we just have discuss it and let the other person know why we disagree or what could've been done differently. Either we convince the other, or reach some sort of a balance/compromise for next time. We haven't had any issues so far, but yes, I can see how difficult it would be if husband and wife aren't on the same page when it comes to raising the child.
anf confuse the child and raise them thinking such double standards and hiding stuff is ok.
why don't desis like to deal with things properly. -
You're right but sometimes its easier said than done as someone else already said.
I kind of had a feeling that this would be one of the answers and while it's kinda sad, I can understand it a little bit.....not everyone is blessed to be in a healthy and happy relationship, nor is divorce ever an option for them....so they have to make do with what they have and that means resorting to double standards and hiding things.
The foundation of a strong and good upbringing is mutual understanding and strength between the husband and wife....even if they disagree they should show their children a united front...
So now that this--hiding stuff and doing what you think is best regardless of what husbnad says--is out in the open, now my question is.....it may work up til a certain age for the child, but what happens as the child gets older? Say, for example, one parent wants their child to be more social and outgoing while another parent is against it...something like that. Then what? I mean we know from teh child's POV what may happen....but I wnat to know from the parents POV now.
It's happened a few times where I had certain standards for my daughters and my husband thought I was being too rigid, or something as simple as what they get to wear at a party. What we normally do is try not to disagree in front of them and later, we discuss the topic until a reasonable solution is agreed upon.
We never talked about all this before we had the kids but you learn over a period of time how to handle situations.
In our case, we did have a few discussions before we had our baby, but obviously, discussing it is a lot different than being in a situation. We usually let each other handle however we're handling a situation with her, even if we don't agree with it. Later on we just have discuss it and let the other person know why we disagree or what could've been done differently. Either we convince the other, or reach some sort of a balance/compromise for next time. We haven't had any issues so far, but yes, I can see how difficult it would be if husband and wife aren't on the same page when it comes to raising the child.
Ma seabee u r lucky and blessed if u r able to discuss. there r many times i give facts and fgures too sometimes hes a bit convinced sometimes i get strict orders do as i say... i m a reflection of a desi husband and wife.. cus thaz wot happens in almost all homes. its not just abt education. sometimes even if a guy is v educated.. all that he knows is that he is superior to woman in all aspects... even in brains. then there is no point in fighting arguing over it. u cannot win wid ur husband
It's happened a few times where I had certain standards for my daughters and my husband thought I was being too rigid, or something as simple as what they get to wear at a party. What we normally do is try not to disagree in front of them and later, we discuss the topic until a reasonable solution is agreed upon.
We never talked about all this before we had the kids but you learn over a period of time how to handle situations.
i think this is the best way to handle things. its better to talk in prvt then in front of the kids. they will see their parents arguing and will b confused as to what is rite or wrong. ideally this is the best way but not always practical for many couples
yeah most of the time one shud hv a back up with fact and figures.. like Uz said.. but sometimes in small small matters u cnt open the book and say.. see i told u so... its not possible all the time. the thing men have to understand women are not dumb and are actually capable of takin care of a baby. i know a girl who once told her hubs that even a 17 yr old mother gets the power and brain to take care of a baby... to which he replied that those women are different they got brains... u r dumb... imagine that!!! men are like that they think their wives are dumb. i m not sayin all men but typical desi men are like that. why bother.. u live with ur baby all the time and know more than the father but the father always want to leave an impression that the woman knows nothin and he knows best. better to ignore and do ur thing then
So, now that we have a kid who’s turning 8 next week, she is included in a lot of the decisions we make for her so she understands where we’re coming from. For example, she wanted to have this big birthday party and invite like 20 pals over to our home. Now we are taking them for a trip in a couple of weeks so we wanted to explain to her that having a big birthday party costs some serious $$ that could be used on that trip instead. Her dad didn’t care less if we had the party or not [because he doesn’t mind spending when it comes to his girls ] but I had an issue with that because really, I want to teach her that she can’t have everything. So hubby and I talked, I told him how much a party would cost [goody bags, food, etc] and he said that if I can convince her then he’s OK with it. So I talked to her and explained how she could take cupcakes to school and call 3-4 of her best friends over, and that we could use the money toward our trip instead. Surprisingly, she was OK with it and so was dad.
So it’s all about spending your energy towards a solution instead of an argument.
Sara,
for right now we have an infant and our disagreements are on if its ok that the baby is not held while I take a bathroom break. or when he is crying while I am breastfeeding him. His dad rushes and just wants to hold and will give in.
But we have talked abt things that might happen in the future and how all of what we decide for our children should come from Islam and how it teaches us to raise our kids. But I do agree with the parents, even if you don't agree with each other it is not wise to disagree in front of the child, this discussion can be had behind closed doors.
Also how we raise kids depends on how we were raised, and that is where husbands and wives get into major disagreements.
] but I had an issue with that because really, I want to teach her that she can’t have everything. So hubby and I talked, I told him how much a party would cost [goody bags, food, etc] and he said that if I can convince her then he’s OK with it. So I talked to her and explained how she could take cupcakes to school and call 3-4 of her best friends over, and that we could use the money toward our trip instead. Surprisingly, she was OK with it and so was dad.