This is actually very sad. I have a neighbor who like many women in LA, has a dream of being an actress. She and her husband have a 5 year old son. He’s probably as close to a hyperactive kid as I’ve ever seen (undiagnosed). He’s prone to making up stories, yelling really loud, telling on other kids, but then probably most 5 year old boys do that. As I’ve gotten to know these neighbors I notice more and more cracks in their relationships and in their own personal lives. I don’t want to judge but I really feel bad for their current situation.
The mother went through alot of post-partum depression after their son was born and told me she was very cold to him. She wouldn’t respond to his crying or pick him up when he was a baby. She would just leave bottles with her in-laws and leave the baby. They moved to OC and she became very resentful that her career was put on hold for her husband and her son. She urged her husband to move to LA and recently they did. Ever since that move their son is in a preschool from 8:30am until after 4pm. She doesn’t make dinner and they usually eat out almost every night. She has acting classes a couple evenings a week. So basically she doesn’t have more than a couple hours a day with her son.
She told me last month that out of the blue he started acting like a baby, crying and putting up his arms saying, “Mommy, hold me.” And yesterday she quietly confessed that over the course of this week, he’s been pooping in his pants. She said he never does it at school, but as soon as he comes home he does it. I posed a question and said, “Do you think maybe he’s doing it on purpose for attention?” She said yes, that it probably is for attention. I immediately sensed the desperate neediness in this kid. He acts out in very negative ways because that’s the only way anyone pays attention to him. This neighbor has become a friend of mine and my husband tells me that she seems dependent on me sometimes. I feel for her but I don’t feel I should be too involved or step over the line incase I offend her. I’m concerned about her son and about her parenting skills but how can I say anything without sounding like I"m some sort of Mary Poppins?
she shudnt have had a kid if she wasnt ready 2 take care of him...i hate such parents...u shud tell her straightforward that when u take responsibility of sum1 that is by bringing them 2 this world than u mite as well get yr ass 2 stay at home n take care of the kid...she can pursue her career dreams after the kid if like 10 atleast...or if she is really ambitious she shud find a way 2 handle both HERSELF...i wonder wat kind of an idiot she is married 2 who is tolerating all this.
That's a possibilty Meem, she's too busy reading plays, scripts and doing her own writing. She's one of those people who have their head somewhere else so they don't see what's right in front of them in everyday life. Her son can be screaming like a banshee in front of her and she's zoned out thinking about a story idea she's working on.
I'm considering mentioning that she take him to the pediatrician in case it's a physical problem and i"m sure the ped will try to cover the emotional aspect of it as well.
she shudnt have had a kid if she wasnt ready 2 take care of him...i hate such parents...u shud tell her straightforward that when u take responsibility of sum1 that is by bringing them 2 this world than u mite as well get yr ass 2 stay at home n take care of the kid...she can pursue her career dreams after the kid if like 10 atleast...or if she is really ambitious she shud find a way 2 handle both HERSELF...i wonder wat kind of an idiot she is married 2 who is tolerating all this.
That's kind of harsh. First I know that her own childhood was a bit unconventional. She has a very famous father in Europe and was raised by nannies and staff, not by her own mother. Her parents were liberal, 'hippy' types so she never had the conventional nuclear structure. And she never learned parenting skills since she never saw it in her own life. About her career she feels the industry is about youth and looks, so if she misses out now, she may never have a way in again. She is also prone to depression if she is not creatively active in writing or acting.
Her husband is the stable force in her life. He has extremely strong family values and is there for his son. He's very sensitive and giving to her needs and made alot of sacrifices for her to make her happy. I wouldn't say he's tolerating it but what kind of husband can suffocate a wife if he's seen her in deep depression? He wants her to be happy but he's trying to find a balance for them.
I have always argued that parental love is natural, but being a good parent is a skill, often learned through trial and error. Its the kind of wisdom seldom taught, it is acquired. Keeping that in mind I have always hesitated trying to suggest parents 'spend more time' with kids when they naturally don't have the interest, patience or the skill to deal with. This doesn't mean they love them less, it only means they can't deal with it or lack those skills.
For example, if a father is short tempered or have other bad habits like smoking or alcohol, its good that he spends most of his time working and only has to spend 3-4 hours at home, with the kids. I would never suggest that he should spend more time with kids, instead I would advise that whatever time he does spend, it is quality time. So for your friend, rather than asking her to spend more time with her son, maybe you can make her realize that the time she does spend, she needs to work on it being a quality time, where he feels loved. I know its easier said than done but so is living.
Here;s a lesson that I learned very well...at the expense of my precious boys. When one of them is acting up, most especially if its on a pretty regular basis, its simply because they dont get (or dont FEEL they're getting) enough attention. Beleive me, if they dont get attention for being GOOD, they'll very quickly learn to be bad so that they get some of that precious attention. Good, bad or otherwise - thats what they want and need.
Its a really tough thing to learn. My first boy has some special needs so I truly needed to spend more time with him. Younger 2 started to really act up until I realized what the problem was and I just made sure that they - each and every one - got their own special time with me.
In the long and the short run, its made SUCH a huge difference. ANd its such a simple solution. You can have a chat with your friend about this in a nice way, no accusations or anything, just like "you know, I think THIS is what your little one would respond to, why not give it a try, you know little ones need to feel so important and if you give him/her some "exclusive" mommy-time, I think behavior problems will sort of fade away". That type of conversation with your friend I think could be really constructive. When my situation was really bad and I realized the problem, it was like a different household with different kids. And it wasnt like it took so very much time. All they need is a little exclusive mommy-time and made to feel important and they're different kids. Actually, it takes LESS time to make them feel important than it does to deal with bad behaviors.
Ahmadjee and Mama, you're both right about quality over quantity and exclusive mommy time. Those are great suggestions. I agree that being a good parent is not natural, but aquired and learned. Unfortunately she didn't have great examples in her own life. I think another problem is in her attitude. She gets very easily frustrated. I know she loves him. But she loses patience and gets mad about things I would probably laugh about with my kid.
Ms saiman, youre very right....its really hard to be a parent (a GOOD parent I mean). And I can really see how things could have degenerated for your friend. Child gets less attention when behaving so child quickly learns to misbehave. Mother gets frustrated and angry but child gets more attention....it just gets worse and worse. Until that problem is addressed, it'll just keep getting worse and mom will start to avoid being around the child. But once the little one starts to get positive attention, its really amazing how quickly things can turn around. And make life so much nicer for everyone. I think a child who's been thru this whole process is more appreciative of positive attention.
Those who say "some dont deserve to have kids" or that this lady is horrible, well I dont think they've walked a mile in her shoes. Parenting is the toughest job you'll ever have and it really doesnt come naturally to everyone. Being supportive and offering constructive advice will make ALL the difference and could actually turn a "terrible mother" into one of the best!
If you want to be really hands off, I like the idea of suggesting a paediatrician look into the problem.
It also depends on how well you know her. There are also ways of giving her pointers without sounding like a know it all or patronising. I am sure you will manage.
The fact that you are even writing about your worries for this child means that you are already involved to some extent. If I were you, I would find a way to speak your mind to her.. but nicely. I think a direct approach and some plain speaking is better appreciated in most cases rather than oblique, obscure hints.