he does not care about you. he will hit you if you wont be a certain way to him or to his family. when he cheats on you. he wants to leave you broke and unhealthy.
after all this domestic abuse, what does it mean for a suffering woman?
what should she do?
in Muslim families, for a variety of unfair reasons, especially among the uneducated joint families, this is a stark reality.
share your thoughts on this, if you like.
Dushwari
Re: when he says that
There is a limit to tolerating any kind of abuse, physical or mental. I feel that if a mature individual can be involved early enough, things could be prevented from going totally sour. If that cannot happen, a suffering muslim woman should contact the Masjid imam or local mufti as soon as possible. I have seen that this has helped some women in the past because Islam has laid out very fair laws but unfortunately our society has been influenced more by culture and distorted them.
Also, I am seeing that these days, with women becoming more independent financially, they are becoming more confident and secure. However, sadly enough, there are also more and more cases of women now being accused of all the "bad stuff" men used to do.
Re: when he says that
hi Niksik,
sure, women indeed could be very much like men.
the magnitude of suffering by weak and dependent women is ever greater though.
the good thing is that women and men from good families and by building their marriage on mutual and confident understanding, are aware of possible situations in which marriages will get threatened.
the abuse part however, stands no reasons though.
even if some spouse is different in harmless personality habits, she or he cannot be nailed for that and should not be.
for instance, a convert friend of a friend married a so called muslim man, and after marriage he used his ut most torture to ensure that she did wadu a certain way, by checking if her hands were wet enough and whether she listened to him when she he wanted her or not.
that is not what Islam is about.
that is a sick man.
making a convert become aversive to Islam perhaps.
but that is only one example.
traditional examples in uneducated class if you will, we all know about.
arranged marriages, age difference, bossy and demanding inlaws, conniving and torturing inlaws mostly to women.
eventually, the family becomes dysfuntional as there is NO safe environ in the house hold for the women to be with the child/ren.
you are right that women should have a social support and be able to expose such ill treatment and the people who mistreat them by coming to mosques.
where addresses can be arranged on treatment between spouses that ideally should be based only on trust and kindness.
Re: when he says that
dushi, it's interesting that u mentioned thrice that this sort of abuse happens only within uneducated families. this kind of behaviour has less to do with literacy and more to do with power trips on the part of the abuser. many more women face verbal and emotional abuse, which unlike physical abuse is difficult to identify because there aren't any bruises to show for it.
victims of verbal abuse are manipulated into blaming themselves for the abuser's behaviour. to recover from verbal abuse, the victim must first recognize it, then set limits for acceptable behaviour, be willing to enforce those limits and finally demand that the abuser change his/her ways. on the other hand, an abuser who genuinely wants to form a healthy relationship needs to acknowledge his/her behaviour and be willing to explore the unhealthy need to control the victim. if the abuser remains in denial, then the victim should prepare to just walk out of that relationship.
Re: when he says that
dear namkeen,
i stated, uneducated families.
but you are correct, this can happen in families or by husbands who appear to be 'educated', but their mindset is lowly.
your perspective is correct and great solutions too. i agree, totally.
best,
Dushwari
Re: when he says that
^ thanks Dushi, i did mean "uneducated".
The proposed solutions seem easy enough for a reasonable and free mind.. but to those whose hearts and minds are held hostage, they are difficult to act upon. i guess this is where a good support system comes in.
Re: when he says that
I don't really understand that how come women accepts her being treated like a non-human. Violence is unacceptable in any shape or form. For heavens sake, if you are a human than how can one allow being treating like that. Please don't tell me in the name of freaken luv.
In desi families all i see is compromises. Either with family, with spouse with children. Why can't people understand that only a strong mother can raise strong children and hence a strong society. I really wish, hope and pray that muslim women can really understand their role one day and play their real part as the mothers of the nation.
Re: when he says that
i don't think it's love in the traditional sense. it's a psychological state, where a woman feels like she doesn't have any other options.. she might stay for the sake of children, or due to pressure from society or because she is financially dependent. it may even be a sort of Stockholm Syndrome... where a victim bonds with the captor, comes to depend on him, even defends his actions. it's not limited to desi families only; even in the west, where a woman is supposedly liberated, it happens... many of the perpetrators are wealthy men, educated men, men who hold a social standing and men with power.
western women have better support system though; in desi society, women are afraid to seek help because it's taboo to talk about it or some concept of honour, or because they fear retaliation in the form of assault, mutilation or death... there is no one to support or protect them, so they just put up with it. i knew someone who was going through domestic abuse with her husband and his family... whenever she tried to seek help, she was told by her elders to pray, have patience, insha'Allah everything would be alright. she was reminded of how difficult life can be for a divorced woman in that society. hardly anyone wants to talk about this... so eventually she just shut up...
for things to change, society's attitudes have to change.. only then can we raise strong girls to become strong mothers. you can't expect women who have been conditioned all their lives to be submissive to suddenly rise up one day and be strong.
Re: when he says that
But i never saw attitude of a society change by it self. In the end its one group of people who stand up for them selves. Women have to do that. They really need to demand better laws and opportunities that they don't hve now or just keep compromising like ever ...