Re: Whats your advice?
I have heard and read that when you use** "YOU" messages in an argument, the other person becomes defensive because you are constantly saying **"You don't do this" ** "You never do this"** "What the hell is your problem" "You are a selfish idiot.". This, in turn, makes the other person mad, and he will hurl all the "YOU" messages right back at you. It's advised by some therapists to use "I" **messages. Example: "I would appreciate it more if I could get some help with the cleaning" "It makes things easier for me when I have some help with the chores and that way I can focus on other things"** or even "We can split up responsibilities in an effort to create more time for us".
Also, it is said that one should start a potentially tense discussion with **positive **points/praise. So, first your friend should talk about the positive (ANY positive) thing her husband does. And after that she should address the concerns with "I" messages. So, let's say that her husband's biggest problem is not listening. Well, maybe she should start off with what his good qualities are that she likes about him.
And she has to make the effort to "catch him doing something good." For example, when he does do something positive (washing the dishes, taking care of the kids, laundry, etc).......she should thank him and give some light praise. That might shock him and make him wonder/reflect about things. And it might subconsciously motivate him to try harder. And when we feel good about ourselves, we're more likely to act positive towards others. In other words....he might start behaving more positively with her.
****When someone (EVEN your own MOM)* consistently nags you about doing things.......will you do it? Most likely NOT. Why someone asks nicely, or even encourages......we become more cooperative.
This couple has stated a back and forth litany of insults and criticism. What GOOD does criticizing do? Especially if it's only constant criticism? Even children get hurt when parents only criticize them. Why not surprise each other with a compliment once in a while. It makes one realize how deprived they've been of some appreciation. And if your friend is that concerned, then she shouldn't wait for him.......she needs to start somewhere. And she needs to understand that things won't magically get better in days. It will require patience and effort.
Also, actions speak louder than words. A compliment helps....but a kind deed/favor has more impact (cooking a favorite meal, etc). One person has to start making the effort in a way to encourage the other.
In my opinion if your friend did not care about her husband on some level, she wouldn't have bothered seeking advice. So, she can try the above strategies with a bit of persistence. And if that doesn't work, then perhaps they should seek** marriage counseling**.
Also, as Psquared **suggested in another thread....she should focus on herself too. You know, take care of herself (physically, emotionally)....so that he sees that she's not just a housewife to take for granted. She's an attractive, confident woman, who can clean the house, and have a social life. She's not just a **NEGATIVE NANCY.....Know what i mean? Maybe it's time that at least one of them put the pride to the side and help the air in the house change a bit.