I have been friends with this girl since we were in Grade 8…It’s been almost 9 years now…She is going through some real tough times now and I am confused as to what I should advice her…
She is 23 now and living in the United States without a visa…Back in 2001, she came to US on a month’s visa and stayed back to be with her mom. The reason at that point was that her mother was diagnosed with Luekemia and had a multiple visa. She had to stay there to be treated for her condition. She had all her siblings already well settled there. They helped her with her treatment and she fought with her condition for 8 years and passed away a month back. All this while, my friend never visited her dad in Pakistan due to visa issues. He couldnt come either to his wife’s funeral because he never got the visa even though he tried more than 4-5 times. Her mom used to visit Pakistan yearly.
Now that her mother is gone, she is very upset as to what she should do. She is the only child and that makes it even harder for her to cope with the loss. She is staying at her Khala’s place. People seem to support her for now but I know that things weren’t so rosy b/w the family members in the past so it isn’t going to get any better.
She was interested in this guy who was working with her and wanted to settle down with him…that way she could have gotten the visa too. He dragged her on for a while but now he shows no interest whatsoever. Her dad wants her to come back to Pakistan, in which case she won’t be able to come back to US for 10 years or so which is what she doesnt want. At this point, she is very worried about her future…There is nothing for her if she stays back in US but she persists on it…maybe because she has lived all those years there and mite be hard to settle down in Pakistan all over again. But at the same time, she wants to see her dad as well since he is the only one who can actually understand what she is going through.
I adviced her that since that guy isn’t interested then there is no point in staying back. Her aunts and uncles are eventually going to get busy with their own lives and she will be left on her own. No one is actually going to put any effort in finding a nice guy for her and settling her down with their busy lifestyle and esp. since her mom isn’t there anymore. I don’t exactly know If I am telling her the right thing but this seems to be the only solution right now. Her mom had applied for her dad’s visa and it was about to get done when she passed away. So, he mite get it if they dont declare her deceased but nothing is sure of it.
She is a very nice girl and she is more like a sister to me…She has been going through this all for the past 8-9 years. I feel really bad for her situation. What is the best thing for her to do at this moment…?
Wow, that is a tough situation. The girl is lucky to have such a caring friend in you:) I understand that there can be ups and downs in family relationships......but is the situation at her Khala's place that bad?
Since she wants to stay in the US, she'd much rather marry someone from here as well. Is there a trusted family member that can communicate with the Khala on her behalf to help do an ACTIVE search for rishtas over here? Someone who would have a strong impact and really emphasize the seriousness of the issue. Perhaps her father or another member of the family? I'm sure she'd feel awkward doing it herself, so it might help if someone could intervene for her.
It would be great if the dad can get his visa soon and be able to visit his daughter. She'll then get the necessary emotional support. I understand her desire to stay in the US. While I've visited Pak several times, I don't think I could live in Pak on a long-term or permanent basis.
She'll have to weigh her priorities. Does she want to continue staying here? If so, the she'll have to start becoming stronger to movie on from her mom's death, do an active search even by herself, if necessary, to find a good guy and settle down here. Can she handle all this........and risk not seeing her dad for some more time until he finally gets the visa.....or until she can go back to visit?
Or since life is so unpredictable.......would she rather go back and FINALLY see her dad, get the appropriate emotional closure and healing, and then who knows? In Pakistan she might get hitched to someone who is settled in the US....and eventually come back at a later point.
I don't know if any of this advice is helpful because I have very limited understanding of how the visa process works. I just wish that she can stay here, get settled down, and see her dad. I hope everything will fall in place soon, InshaAllah. May Allah reward her for her patience.
I would start looking aggressively for a guy who she can settle down with. Go on websites, talk to rishta aunties, her father, khala, etc. She needs to get married if she wants to stick around.
I would start looking aggressively for a guy who she can settle down with. Go on websites, talk to rishta aunties, her father, khala, etc. She needs to get married if she wants to stick around.
The situation is a bit more dire that it sounds. She has known in all this time that the only solution for her to stay back is to get married to someone there. But at first, her mom wasnt interested in getting her married cuz she thought she was too young to be married. My friend has talked to her mom, dad and khalas about it. She is being realistic about it and I think that's perfectly fine if someone is trying to fix their life.
The issue is that she has had proposals but the family has been too fussy about everything in those rishtas and they didn't work out. Even though, from day one their priority should have been to get her the visa somehow. But 9 years and nothing so far! She herself isnt too fussy about things. She just wants a nice shareef guy. I tried looking around in Canada and then in UK but no one is actually willing to commit to a proposal unless they meet the family and see the girl, which is fine but makes it harder for me to help her out.
She doesnt have much exposure to the outside world. She works at her uncle's own business. So, she doesnt get to meet new people at all. That is one big issue. Her family could have asked people around but that's just not happening. She knows that no one is actually going to put the effort in for her and I can kinda see it since I know how the things have been in all these years.
I am not sure If the websites work, u think I should tell her to try there? I have always thought that it's a waste of time? does anyone have any numbers for rishta aunties in US...I just want to help her out in any which way possible...
Besides the sort of picture I get from her is that guys have really hi standards in US which is a worry since she is good looking and all but she wasn't able to continue with her studies cuz of visa issues even though she badly wanted to.
I just hope her dad gets the visa somehow. They will found out by the end of Feb if that's going to work out or not. She has until then to decide on something cuz then her dad just wants her to be back to Pakistan. She might be able to get hitched to someone there from US but there is just a 0-5% chance of it. I tell her if she goes back, the guy doesnt have to be from US....it could be someone from Canada or UK or something....or even if they are not from around here then maybe eventually he can apply for it if he is well educated.
ur soo caring MashAllah...
Do u know some good guy in ur area/family/hubby's family.... Or do u know somebdy looking for a girl, let them know about her..
Go to shaadi.com - I personally know a few couples who met on there and are happy, Mashallah. Use good judgement, ask for proof of everything, meet the family, etc.
Mehndi.com
These are simply methods of finding a good person. Qismat is decided by Allah swt.
as far as i know finding out matches and that too for matrimonial reasons is not a child's play. it will again need somebody to look after and then what abt her dad? after all he needs to b invloved as well. hasty stitchings do leave many loopholes. my sincere suggestion is that she should visit pakistan and should try looking for a guy with foreign nationality. i know many of my friends who are settled aabroad and are masahallah well-settled. as whatever she is looking demands less time and the usual marriage process does need a lot of thought-procedure.