Okay so this is a bit of a complicated story.. But thought I’ll give you as much info as I can. One of my best friends just shared this with we in the hopes that I could give her some advice, which I did. But I was wondering what you guys would do if you were in her position? Let’s call her X
X is a happily married girl - she loves her husband to bits and up till now always spoke v favourably of him. He’s a caring loving husband who always looks out for her best interests. She’s known him since she was 18, and they got married just over 1yr ago, she is now 27. They had a break for a year back when she was around 24 I think, when they werent in touch at all and we’re both working out what they wanted long term… Then they got back together and hadn’t looked back since. Or so she thought!
So a few days ago she was snooping on her husbands email. (do other wives do this?? I know I don’t).she came across some messages from a girl back from when they weren’t together… Turns out he was pretty close to this girl during that time and she’d even sent photos of herself to him. X was hurt by this, but they weren’t together so theoretically he did nothing wrong. And whether he mentioned it to her or not was his call. So although she was hurt I talked her out of confronting him as it wouldn’t achieve anything. Then she finds an email from a month before they got married (they were formally engaged at this point).. Saying that he needs to see her one last time and will she meet her. And that’s all the info she has. So since then her minds going crazy and she doesn’t know if they actually met or why he wanted to see her after all this time.
The question arises - what to do? He was committed to X and yet he messages an ex (lol) to meet up just before they get married. Is it for closure? What does she do, confront him and risk him losing trust in her (cos she was snooping) and open a rather large can of worms. Apart from this they’ve had an amazing marriage and both do love each other a lot from what I can tell. Or should she try and move on and not say anything. She has no evidence they actually met and no evidence of anything since they’ve been married. Does this still count as cheating or intention to cheat? Can she trust her husband? Is it worth rocking the boat and an otherwise happy marriage? I won’t tell you guys what I said yet, thought it’d be interesting to hear your responses first. Try and put yourself in her position - what would YOU do?
Were the emails that she recently read of a romantic nature? Maybe during their break/separation he needed someone to talk to? You don't mention the tone of those emails. While going through his inbox....did she see emails between then from the time that they got married up until their separation? Did she see any emails between the two since she and her husband patched up? If not....then it means he hasn't been in touch with this woman for the most part and that it happened before the wedding and during their separation....not in between or after the patch-up. So she can consider the situation from this angle and try to move on if things are going well for her.
Telling him that she went thru his mail would be a can of worms. She can try to ask him about his past in an indirect way that doesnt indicate she'd been snooping.......but if he's moved on from this girl (as in has no romantic interest n only sees her as a friend)...he may choose not to discuss her for this reason and also maybe to preserve her feelings. I think it's better if she moves on from this.
I have to agree with ^.
Move on.
If there is no evidence of anything untoward then why stir up trouble?
You say that they are happy and have been happy......until she decided to go snooping. Her nightmare is self-made.
Tell your friend to please stop worrying about this. He married her...by his own choice. Maybe he needed to see her for closure or just to talk or say sorry for something he did.
Yep move on, and your friend should consider herself very lucky and get flattered in a way that she was chosen and is loved by her hubby over other girls.
On a more fundamental level, why did your friend need to snoop into his emails. From what I understand she believes that he truly loves her or does she have any doubts on that. Or is it because of her insecurity.
I agree with the other Guppies here. She would be creating trouble where there is no trouble.
That e-mail where he asks the other girl to meet one last time was probably for closure or for letting her know that he chose your friend over her. So it really isn't worth it to create an issue here.
no matter what we say she will have this in her mind, it can only hurt herself and her relationship with her hubby! why did she snoop at the first place. Its like digging for something which is not there.
bottom line is that he married her, how he managed it and met before who it shouldnt matter.
Thanks guys - kind of reinforces what I was thinking anyway. Best thing is move on and let it go, and to NOT hold a grudge against him. If she can't get over it then I guess she has to say something, but I don't think that would be wise. No she shouldn't have been snooping, and StormRaiser, I don't think it's because she doubts his love, I think she may be a little insecure.. I have no idea why.
Redvelvet, the emails were only from when they were separated (a couple of years before they got married) and she could only see emails from the girl and not what her husband said in response. It sounded like the girl was very persistent and in the end he told her to back off and she didn't take it well. I havent actually read the emails myself so dont know exactly what was said. I think what hurt her was him contacting her while they were engaged. I think he probably needed closure, and it was unfortunate that she found it.
Moral of the story - no snooping girls! Unless you're strong enough to handle anything you may find OR have serious doubts about your BF/husband.
she could only see emails from the girl and not what her husband said in response. It sounded like the girl was very persistent and in the end he told her to back off.
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^The emails didn't reflect a mutual interest, so emphasize this point to her and encourage her to move on. He wanted to be with her, hence chose to get back together after a separation. Not everyone does that; some let their ego get in the way and the break can lead to an end in the marriage. Tell her to focus more on the bigger more weighty points than getting caught up in the details.