What would you do in this situation

[khattichic]

@S_and_S

Khatti, I can completely relate to you!! My MIL is not alive anymore and people who my husband grew up with people he considered like brothers leave us out of everything. All of our relationships have changed and nobody cares to ever give us formal invites. I’ve had an Aunty who I ran into in the masjid at, write our names down in front of me on a blank card because she remembered when she saw me. It was hurtful but she showed me her phone with my MILs number still in her contacts and I considered it was important enough to attend even though it wasn’t a “khai de kha” invite. Auntys that raised my husband never call or ask our khairiat sometimes not even if I am in front of them. I think we don’t realize that just because our worlds froze, other people moved on with theirs. People change while we try to maintain and manage our lives as best we can with the way things used to be but it’s so hard. I rarely get invites. You see all the photos of events and weddings going on around you, all your circles but we are usually the ones that don’t get invited. I’ve had the last minute even the day of event invites. If you don’t go people consider that rude. It’s really hard to be in a community without your elders and we have only realized that after my MIL. Even though she was also an elder figure and so respected from the entire community that doesn’t change the fact that others keep living their life. My husbands own friends don’t always call him much anymore. There’s almost a strange stigma when you don’t have a complete family around you, people don’t remember or care to ask. It’s a very lonely feeling but I have just learned to combat it by showing my face and trying not to be sensitive about it. If my MIL was here things would be different but since she’s not I try not to take it personally anymore and just consider it one of those nuisances about our culture. It is what it is and as for those last minute invites I just openly say its to short notice if I can’t make it like that and if I have nothing going on, I make an effort to go, more for us and keeping the normalcy in our lives more than anything else. I try to keep my pride out of it now because sometimes people don’t mean to be malicious or hurtful, they usually don’t intend to hurt us, nor you I’m sure. I think people just don’t realize how difficult it is to be without your elders. All of their kids have it so easy but there is always a double standard since we don’t have my MIL standing up for us anymore. It’s really really hard and it makes it harder to take it so personally every time. I just take it one situation at a time and try to be there for those who I know still genuinely care about us while just maintaining a cordial relationship with the others who have hurt us so much. There’s nothing else we can do about it.

I would just go and enjoy yourself for no one but yourself and your family.

Thank you, this is exactly how I feel and what I’ve been going through.