What would you do in this situation

Lifestyle Relationships
1

There is a family here in our community that we have known for 30+ yrs. My parents, as “elders” of our community and one of the first founding families here, took them in as young newlyweds. I have pretty much known this “Aunty and Uncle” my whole life and their kids were all born and raised in front of me. The Aunty is BFF with my choti Khala and they also helped my cousin get married (brought the rishta of their store employee turned business partner for my cousin) so in short, I have had very close ties with this family. Shaadis, aqeeqa’s, Eid etc…always at our family dawats. 5 years ago, when my Ammi passed away, this Aunty and Uncle were there for support for my sisters and I and for the first year or so would call and check up on me.0

There oldest son is getting married this month. I know they’ve been looking for a long time and have even had conversations with Aunty about finding a rishta for him. In August, they had his mangni and I immediately called to congratulate her. I heard from my cousin that the shaadi would be fast, in December.

2-3 months ago, Aunty sent out a Save The Date notice on Facebook..everyone into family got it, except me. All my khala’s, Mami’s ..even my other cousins who are not as close to her. I was a little miffed but didn’t really say anything because I thought, well there are over 200 people she sent the FB event too, probably just missed adding me to the group. As of Thanksgiving, I still hadn’t heard from her but everyone else in my family had received the invite card in the mail.

So I was obviously hurt and upset. I felt like just because my Ammi is no longer here, I got glossed over. Out of sight, out of mind..because that has happened before. I’ve had other family friends “forget” to include me on the guest list, only to call 2 days before the dawat to invite me verbally. I’ve let it roll off my back, but this time it’s really bothering me.

So this morning, I got a Facebook message from Aunty asking for my address so she can mail me the invite.

Now I’m really ticked off. Seriously? 13 days before the wedding, ab yaad ayee meri? I’ve been constantly seeing all the preps on my Facebook newsfeed and reading all our mutual friends and family’s comments and it hurts to be left out.

My question is, should I tell her how I feel and ask why/how I was left off all this time? Would you still go after all that? Am I making a bigger issue out of this than needed?

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Re: What would you do in this situation

Yes you are.

I've had a family super close to my family treat us like passerbys on their daughter's wedding. It's all good, totally understandable. Kids' marriages are stressful and it often gets the worst of people. You should offer her a helping hand instead of assuming stuff and burning up inside. And try to avoid giving her sarcastic innuendos when you see her.

Maybe you'll be able to see things from aunty's perspective when your rugrats become shadi material :)

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I can guarantee to that aunty overlooked. If she is asking you for your address then it means she assumed that you either accepted or at least were aware of the event.

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Re: What would you do in this situation

Yes - go to the wedding enjoy your brains out. Have such a good time that aunty will NEVER forget you again.

And when everything is over and you have a moment with her just bring it up. Like wow I thought you werent inviting me.
You bring it up now - chances are it'll escalate cuz chances are aunty is all un in arms and elbows with shaadi agenda.

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Re: What would you do in this situation

but khatti ... she did remember you ... contacted you didnt she?
During my own wedding preps there were several such times when my mum n dad remembered so and so's son and daughter ... but so and so is no longer alive and we didnt have updated contact info of the offspring. so sometimes it took a lots f calls/tracking down to get a hold of people. hard to do when you are also doing 5 billion other things related to the wedding ... heinna?

chalo .. janney dau. when/if you do go ... just be honest ... not sarcastic and say what you feel.

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What would you do in this situation

Guys, I would never be sarcastic or pissy to Aunty or be confrontational, I’m sorry if my post comes across like that, but I hope you guys know me better than that by now.

I feel like I’m not conveying myself correctly. Even my Khala was upset and was going to ask her friend why she didn’t inform/invite me like the other 40 people in our khandaan, but I stopped her because I didn’t want a drama to start.

I see what you guys are saying, and I will go. I just can’t help but feel like second fiddle just because the sahaara of my parents is gone. :hinna:

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Re: What would you do in this situation

Khatti.... Remember our talk a few weeks ago when I was going through the same... This is life. We become sensitive cuz.if the loss of our loves ones... Others.forget and continue living life as usual.

If your mom was alive... And this had happened...you wouldnt have bat an eyelid.

If it were a day before the wedding... I would have told you to jot go. But this is in advance... And clearly she did forget cuz that's how it works... Ppl remembered u cuz.of ure folks. They r gone ... Out of sight out of mind.

The pain you are feeling is very real... And justified. I'm there.with you. And I know you... Had this been some aila ghaira I know you woukdnt have cared... I've never seen u whine....

This hurts cuz.of the close relations...and the fact that you remember the entire family but exclude one member?! How do ppl manage that?!!!! Insane.

But Kher.... I would go. And once it's all done... Maybe have a heart to heart. If you think the aunty is close enough to you, to handle the inquisition.

Hugs. Don't iverthink it ....it's not worth it.. ppl only realize the.pain if isolation when they go through something like this emselves....especially after the loss of a parent.

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Re: What would you do in this situation

Oh well thanks now - i'm crying at work.
Tum loag saab kharab ho.

And Khatti I didn't think you'd be confrontational - I think the aunty will be nutso aaj kaal.

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Re: What would you do in this situation

go......these are obviously very nice people.....go to represent your parents and what they stood for.
they were there when it was a tough time for you....that is a show of their character.
don't judge them at a time when they have their hands full and are probably stressed to the limit......

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Re: What would you do in this situation

Okay, okay...I get it.

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Re: What would you do in this situation

^ :hehe: aapko thori kaha :stuck_out_tongue:

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Re: What would you do in this situation

Guys... Sometimes it's not due to Shaadi stress that ppl forget invites.

In this case... Khatti... It really is them associating you with your parents... Since the parents are gone, they overlooked you. It's painful....but hey...Atleast you got the invite. If she didn't care... She wouldnt have invited you... She remembered you somehow...and invited... That's something still.

Remember my case?... Aunty stares at me all evening...talks bout the upcoming wedding...and STILL diesnt invite me. Just cuz my mil is dead. The same aunty that was at all my kids events from birth to bdays to aqqeqas... Our Eid parties, Xmas, everything.

:d lol.

Yours is a better scenario. ;)

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Re: What would you do in this situation

Double post

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Re: What would you do in this situation

For whatever reason, unko ehsaas hogaya hai ke she forgot you, give her your address. If she is a close aunty like some of my amis friend literally are like khalas and I will tell them and expect them to tell me if I have done something to hurt them and visa versa, then maybe you can even discuss it pre or post wedding. She is sending the invite and if You really don't wanna go because only you know how deep the history runs in your family and you probably know if this was truly a mistake on her part or you were snubbed, then just skip the event by saying ur family will be out of town. BE the bigger person at the end of the day and do what is right for you buttercup.

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Re: What would you do in this situation

If it was bothering me so much and I knew she had at least once cared for me, I would definitely share my feelings with her instead of letting it boil in me and turn into something it shouldn't.

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Re: What would you do in this situation

Okay, so I guess I am the dramatic one here, because I wouldnt go. She invited literally everyone in your family, but magically forgot you? Hmm! I dont know. Hard to Buy for me

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What would you do in this situation

Khatti, I can completely relate to you!! My MIL is not alive anymore and people who my husband grew up with people he considered like brothers leave us out of everything. All of our relationships have changed and nobody cares to ever give us formal invites. I've had an Aunty who I ran into in the masjid at, write our names down in front of me on a blank card because she remembered when she saw me. It was hurtful but she showed me her phone with my MILs number still in her contacts and I considered it was important enough to attend even though it wasn't a "khai de kha" invite. Auntys that raised my husband never call or ask our khairiat sometimes not even if I am in front of them. I think we don't realize that just because our worlds froze, other people moved on with theirs. People change while we try to maintain and manage our lives as best we can with the way things used to be but it's so hard. I rarely get invites. You see all the photos of events and weddings going on around you, all your circles but we are usually the ones that don't get invited. I've had the last minute even the day of event invites. If you don't go people consider that rude. It's really hard to be in a community without your elders and we have only realized that after my MIL. Even though she was also an elder figure and so respected from the entire community that doesn't change the fact that others keep living their life. My husbands own friends don't always call him much anymore. There's almost a strange stigma when you don't have a complete family around you, people don't remember or care to ask. It's a very lonely feeling but I have just learned to combat it by showing my face and trying not to be sensitive about it. If my MIL was here things would be different but since she's not I try not to take it personally anymore and just consider it one of those nuisances about our culture. It is what it is and as for those last minute invites I just openly say its to short notice if I can't make it like that and if I have nothing going on, I make an effort to go, more for us and keeping the normalcy in our lives more than anything else. I try to keep my pride out of it now because sometimes people don't mean to be malicious or hurtful, they usually don't intend to hurt us, nor you I'm sure. I think people just don't realize how difficult it is to be without your elders. All of their kids have it so easy but there is always a double standard since we don't have my MIL standing up for us anymore. It's really really hard and it makes it harder to take it so personally every time. I just take it one situation at a time and try to be there for those who I know still genuinely care about us while just maintaining a cordial relationship with the others who have hurt us so much. There's nothing else we can do about it.

I would just go and enjoy yourself for no one but yourself and your family.

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Re: What would you do in this situation

^ agree 100% with all of it.

sorry about your loss :hugs:

a good way of dealing with this situation, is to move on too. make your own social circle …

19

:hugz:

Thank you, this is exactly how I feel and what I’ve been going through.

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Re: What would you do in this situation

Khatti baji, I would say that sometimes people tend to overlook and ignore the ones they love the most. In our desi culture there is this whole concept of "woh to apnay hi ghar waalay hain, ZAAHIR hai woh log aayeiN gay, un ko takalluf se bulaane ke kya zaroorat hai?"

It sucks, I know, but it is what it is, that's how desis think.

Go and enjoy the wedding and bring it up after the big day, a days or a week later, just to let them know.

Or you can go my route and show up drunk and belligerent threatening to pee in the biryani.

Your choice.