What is going on? It seems as if every other post, some girl got "forced" to get engaged/married and is NOW looking for a way out. If its not that someone has an issue to talk to someone online. Jeez. If you are able to talk to a whole mess of strangers online @GupShup, why such a difficulty to talk to 1 person your already know.
Why do these girls not have any guts to speak out BEFORE these things happen, and not wait until the end. How can you go through a marriage when you feel nothing about the other person???
How about you trade places with me for a week and then ask that question?
Desigirl, that's quite alright, I am already married. My point isn't to pick a fight with you specifically. Point is how does one let themselves get so far by being forced...and in the end decide to stand up. If you want to be so obedient then keep going, marry the guy, give him an honest chance & if it doesn't work out then divorce him. I mean I was just rather pondering why the rebellion isnt upfront? You have to face the music sooner or later..so why not sooner.
^I agree. It's true that alot of the desi girls don't really have the courage to stand up but isn't it about time we learn from others' experiences how tormenting this can be? Letting yourself do whatever your parents want when Islam PERMITS a girl to say yes or no. That's why at Nikkah time, the Imam asks THREE times for the girl's agreement. It's a great thing that you want to be obedient and all but not if you know deep inside that this can never make you happy. Why even start going that road when you don't even want to all the way? It probably would have caused your parents lesser hurt than they have to now after tieing up with another family and to have it all broken up. This is really a lesson to be learnt and realized.
Why does the guy go along with it? Does he not know that the girl is under pressure to marry him? This is not 1922 where the guys have no clue what is going on. How can a guy voluntarily get into this arrangement knowing that the girl doesn't really care?
i don’t think there is any excuse whatsoever for a person to complain about a nikah when they have signed the form unless someone was holding a gun to their head. All the protests should be done before the nikah is done but once its done just see it through. The person you got married to may not even know your parents were forcing you. Why should he/she be punished for your or your parents’ faults?
I know this paki immigrant who went to pakistan and got married to his cousin at the behest of his parents even though he waned to marry a girl in germany. After enjoying the marriage for a couple of months he returns to germany and wants to divorce the girl because his parents ‘forced’ him. Freakin idiot ruined the life of a poor girl and not just any girl… his first cousin Now the families are pissed off with each other and would likely be sour with each other forever. He could’ve just refused on the day of nikah, at least the girl wouldn’t have to live with such an idiot.
^Yep and you know whats worse- more than the guy, it's a bigger problem for a girl. Our culture is the kind where divorced women are looked down upon. With the exceptions of the elite class and not so conservative families where they can get divorced and keep remarrying, the middle and lower class are more unaccepting of divorces. Even Islam tells you to work things out in every way you can before opting for divorce because it's frowned upon.
The point is, it becomes so much harder for a girl to live especially with people always referring to her as a divorcee. It's slightly different in the west but my sympathies with those who have to suffer in Pakistan. One of our relatives was madly in love with this girl and both were serious about getting married and all. However, the girl always was very 'shakki' and believed anyone who said anything about the guy. So after a few complications, she dumped him and got married to her dad's friend's son from London mainly out of spite. She called her ex a year later saying she was coming back to Karachi as she was now divorced. The guy was all corrupt and didn't give her attention, etc etc.. so she filed for divorce and came back. Meanwhile, being a family members, whenever I visited Pakistan or talked to the guy, he was always so depressed about the girl. He just couldn't believe that she had done that to him. Yet, he claimed he loved her alot. So when she called him and asked him to help her deal with her family in karachi, he did and went out of his way to make sure she was okay. His sister then asked him again, now she's divorced and she needs someone very much.. and obviously she still has feelings for you. if you want, we can send her a proposal for marriage. To that the guy said, no, she left me remember.. I can't live with someone who did that to me once and ran off to marry another guy in the blink of an eye. And I especially would not marry her now because she's a divorcee.
So you know, divorce is a big step. It's not like oh lets get married, now lets get divorced.
How can a woman realize after popping out a couple of kids with her husband that she does not love this guy and she has suffered injustice at the hand of her parents who forcefully married her to this goof ?
Why don't they realize this before consummation of marriage or before signing 'nikah nama' ?
These women are just looking for an excuse for their infidelity and adultery.
AS, it seems you are very lucky like me, not to have to face an undesirable arranged marriage. There is nothing more influential than parental pressure and many desi gals are raised never to defy. Thats one tough nut to crack once things are in place and parents are in agreement that the marriage should take place. I'm quite sure that many gals think that maybe the parents are right, they go along with it with a little hope that maybe it will work but then find themselves faced with a lifetime of misery.
Those gals have my sincerest sympathies - most esp since there is no easy way out of the situation - either before the marriage takes place or after.
I agree with mamaof3.some people don,t have much choice!
1, Analyze the prospect up front. Demand that you be able to at least talk to him/her if its totally arranged & get to know him/her at least a little to get some sort of vibe into their personality. If for whatever reason you don't like prospect, state it up front. If parents try to force you against your will, refer them to excerpts from the Quran which state that you can not be forced against your will. But IF situation arises unfortunately where they are still forcing you completely against your will to a person who isn't a good match, bad morals, bad deen, totally jahil etc..uncompatibility then preferably the rebellion up front is better. That's when you put your foot down and say no, or just leave them. Make your own means, not like at that point your parents really care for you anyhow. I do know how much respect is emphasized that we are to give our parents...BUT if what they are demanding is against rules in our religion, at that point you have the RIGHT to stand up to them, you are doing no wrong. I dunno. My point is your situation is unfortunate...but now that your knee deep in it, its 10 times harder to get out of, than if it was just at the prospect stage and your parents just had a bit of shock at u saying no.
^^ True its harder to get out now but better late than never...allah na kare i marry him this summer then decide to call it off afterwards? That's when it gets knee-deep not now fortunately.
so what tips and strategies do you guys have for these girls that get forced into marriage?
well for starters, lets teach them how to "talk and express their feelings" when the actual forced marriage thingie is taking place. from wht i've heard/read they become more outspoken only after getting married, enjoying all the food, lovely clothes, jewelery and money. **kahan thi inki yeh 10ft lumbi zaban jab parents majboor kar rahay thay shadi ke liey? **tab kiyoun nahe dala tha yeh raandi-rona and shor-sharaba?
One of my close friends was in a similar situation to mines and when she told her parents she liked someone her father became very ill, stopped talking to her for weeks and her parents blamed the dpwnward spiraling of his health all because of her and her disobedience to them..ultimately she ended up marrying who they wanted her to in misery just to please them and after she got married things remained the same and not only was she putting her husband through hell but she herself was suffering as well...she would not let her husband touch her nor did they talk at all...finally about a year and a half later she divorced him and left her state and made a new life for herself...the balem and negative comments from her parents didn't stop but at work she found someone she got along great with and wanted to marry him..she did it and couldn't be happier..its been 3 years since they are married and they love each other to death...she put her parents through hell but now even though her dad is still weak and developed high BP and whatnot things are ok...her only advice to me and the girls who are going through this is to be true to yourself and no matter how much it may seem like you are hurting your parents, if you marry someone you know you cannot be with then you are hurting them even more...those words still echo in my mind and I believe them 100%
i think that's the point everyone is making. Did her words suddenly start echoing in your mind NOW...not when you already LOVED another guy.."supposedly"....not when they forced u to get engaged against your will when u liked someone else...but when u are legally married...then suddenly out of the blue u saw the light? That's what I/we find strange. Wow. Good Luck. But I think you knee deep in it already.
ruined the life of a poor girl and not just any girl… his first cousin 
Now the families are pissed off with each other and would likely be sour with each other forever. He could’ve just refused on the day of nikah, at least the girl wouldn’t have to live with such an idiot.