It’s the first time I’ll be going somewhere without my mum - she usually does the talking and she’s really good at that kind of thing. I’ll be going with my husband and he’s really good at talking too… but I imagine we’d be sitting separately, ladies in one room, men in another.
So, what kinds of things are you supposed to say? Is the guest expected to do the talking in such scenarios, or do you just respectfully stay quiet? If the latter… isn’t that awkward? If the former, are you supposed to talk about day-to-day things, or only things specifically related to the deceased? And what are you supposed to do if Auntie starts crying? I don’t know her that well - definitely not hugging terms.
Sorry if I sound a bit cold… I know the purpose is to go and comfort the individual who is grieving, but that’s the reason I am asking: I don’t want to mess up!
Oh.. also, how long are you supposed to stay for? And how do you leave: I mean usually I'd say in a jokey way 'ijaazat hai?'... which signifies time to leave. I don't think that's appropriate in this scenario.
btw, when you go to someone's house to express your afsos, it's called "ta'ziyat".
you say something like this:
in URDU:
yeh andoh-naak Khabar sun kar ham sab ko bahot ranj o malaal huaa aur ham aapke is alam men baraabar ke shareek haiN.
Allah marHoom/marHooma ko apni jawaar-e-reHmat meN jagah 'ataa farmaaye aur aap sab ko sabr-e-jamil...aameen.
**
in English:**
i'm sorry to hear this sad news. May Allah forgive his/her sins and enter him/her into the highest echelons of jannat and may Allah give you strength to bear the loss. i share the pain with you. aameen
it all depends what kinda relationship you had with the deceased. mind you that a guest should not be a burden on the grieving hosts. it also depends how long after the incident you are gonna visit the family to offer your condolences.
^ KKF - aside from you, no one else speaks that way
nnabid, afsos is just that. An expression of regret and shared grief over someone’s passing. You’re there to offer your sympathy - there is no script for you to follow. The only thing I would be careful with is to not ask personal questions the family may not want to answer. Grief is very personal. Some people do not want to talk about how the deceased passed away and what the amily will face without them. So tread carefully.
Tell them the deceased is in your duas and that you pray for their maghfirat and strength for the family. That’s enough. Everything else will just naturally follow.
What Sehrysh said. There isn't really a correct script, just offer your sympathies, lend an ear if
they want to talk, offer to help out if they need anything and that's about it.
Sehrysh is right. Grief is a very personal thing. Some folks feel better after sharing and others are uncomfortable talking about what they are feeling so you will have to make a judgement call while you are there based on the reactions and body language that you see.
In addition to telling them that you are including the passed member in your duas, ask them if there is anything else that you can do to help them through this difficult time. Most will tell you that what you are doing is more than enough while some may be open enough to ask you for a special favour.
I have also been in a situation where the visiting folks wanted to take a few moments and say a prayer with us. We gathered in a room together, raised our hands and allowed the uncle present to say a prayer for maghfirat.
A little personal preference but I will share. I just feel awkward telling someone that I am praying that their deceased loved one's big and small sins are forgiven. Instead I would say that I pray they get a high place in janat.
Thanks all for your advice, and I understand that there's no set script in these kind of situations. There's no script for any convo! But what I meant was something along the lines of what pwner explained lol - thanks! :)
If the people are from Pakistan vs being born here its quite appropriate to ask what happened. However, if you would rather not, just walk in and hug the aunty and say you are sorry to hear what happened. They will probably start telling you what happened most likely. In Pakistani culture, people think sharing these kind of details shows closeness and genuine care.
btw, when you go to someone's house to express your afsos, it's called "ta'ziyat".
you say something like this:
in URDU:
yeh andoh-naak Khabar sun kar ham sab ko bahot ranj o malaal huaa aur ham aapke is alam men baraabar ke shareek haiN.
Allah marHoom/marHooma ko apni jawaar-e-reHmat meN jagah 'ataa farmaaye aur aap sab ko sabr-e-jamil...aameen.
**
in English:**
i'm sorry to hear this sad news. May Allah forgive his/her sins and enter him/her into the highest echelons of jannat and may Allah give you strength to bear the loss. i share the pain with you. aameen
it all depends what kinda relationship you had with the deceased. mind you that a guest should not be a burden on the grieving hosts. it also depends how long after the incident you are gonna visit the family to offer your condolences.
Gd job on that urdu :) haha my mom and nana speak like that
nnabid. if you arent going to a funeral or a related afsoos but going just together as a couple and there isn't any formal dua, you make sure to meet them with a salam. say bahut asfoos hua sun ke. kya woh bimar they?
then they tell u whatever happened.
say inna lilla he wa inna alayhe ra jaoon.
Then say hum fateha parhna chahte hen unke liyay.
Take a moment, put dopatta on head and bow head and read fateha quietly. and then just sit quiet and allow them to talk or listen to oonvo, or talk about any time u met the deceased and say anything nice about them. say to the grieving loved ones "agar koi bhi kaam humarey laik ho, please bata deyna"
If other guests are around just say aap please baqi logon ko dekh leun mey bilkul theek hun and wait quietly seated. keep mobile on vibrate and tell husband to message u when it is time to leave.
he can make excuse to leave, u can just check phone and say husband uth gaye bula rahe hen. Allah Hafiz.
This is one thing I am never able to do. I can talk in front of board of directors but doing-condolence always gets me. IF its someone desi, I just hug them, pat them and tell them it was God's will and I hope and pray that they go to Jannah
It's the first time I'll be going somewhere without my mum - she usually does the talking and she's really good at that kind of thing. I'll be going with my husband and he's really good at talking too... but I imagine we'd be sitting separately, ladies in one room, men in another.
So, what kinds of things are you supposed to say? Is the guest expected to do the talking in such scenarios, or do you just respectfully stay quiet? If the latter... isn't that awkward? If the former, are you supposed to talk about day-to-day things, or only things specifically related to the deceased? And what are you supposed to do if Auntie starts crying? I don't know her that well - definitely not hugging terms.
Sorry if I sound a bit cold... I know the purpose is to go and comfort the individual who is grieving, but that's the reason I am asking: I don't want to mess up!
I know how awkward it can be to support someone you can't even hug. It restricts you from feeling the real emotion and puts you in that right/wrong frame of mind.
Maybe just hug her when you see her. Given the circumstances, it might be accepted. That will make the rest of the encounter smoother.
I hate when people come for Afsos and ask me to repeat my dad's last painful moments. I don't like being asked how he passed away and how it all happened. this seems very insensitive to me. I don't want to sit there and tell the story a million more times. People who come for Afsos don't know what to say. I would just say, "Afsos hua sun ker" and leave it at that. Pick up a para and start reading. That is it. No need for talking about idhar udhar. I find that disrespectful too
btw, when you go to someone's house to express your afsos, it's called "ta'ziyat".
you say something like this:
in URDU:
yeh andoh-naak Khabar sun kar ham sab ko bahot ranj o malaal huaa aur ham aapke is alam men baraabar ke shareek haiN.
Allah marHoom/marHooma ko apni jawaar-e-reHmat meN jagah 'ataa farmaaye aur aap sab ko sabr-e-jamil...aameen.
**
in English:**
i'm sorry to hear this sad news. May Allah forgive his/her sins and enter him/her into the highest echelons of jannat and may Allah give you strength to bear the loss. i share the pain with you. aameen
it all depends what kinda relationship you had with the deceased. mind you that a guest should not be a burden on the grieving hosts. it also depends how long after the incident you are gonna visit the family to offer your condolences.
your urdu is good man!
Anyways, I think you should just be sympathetic and don't do any faltu taking. Just see how the other women behave.
