Re: What to do
Sometimes she goes once a week, sometimes twice but it is never asked, just ‘I’m going to mums tomorrow’ and yes it is my fault for not bringing this issue I have with her not bothering to ask, hence why I am in this dilemma of my own making. Although I have mentioned in the past and nothing happened. Yes she goes during the day whilst I am at work and then I will pick her up after work, we would then get back late in the evening.
I have constantly told her to do something to keep her active during the day but bar from going to her mums house and town there is nothing that she does out of the house. Yes she does do the laundry once a week, cook etc of which I help the moment I get in otherwise I am just informed that I am lazy. Food being ready when I get home doesn’t happen as she would start making something, even if it is just chips when I get back and I will normally, if not always stay in the kitchen with her. She has also mentioned on many occasions that is is not her Islamic duty to do domestic stuff of which I started doing everything and even to this day I cannot complain if nothing is done and I just do it myself although she does do the work. My bigger concern here is that I have a child coming and I cannot let this ‘I am always available’ attitude to carry one.
My mother does not want to live with anyone else, even though they are happy to take her in. As per Islam my mum not wanting to live with her other kids cannot be compared with the wife’s right to a separate private accommodation. Hence why I am looking for a place to stay as it is the greater right, my wife knows this and that is why she keeps reminding me that iit is her right and that she doesn’t need to work.
My wife even from the start of marriage kept nagging me for our own place, back then it was the guests and the family coming around that she could not handle but she would not firmly state the issue about mum so I always assumed mum would be coming along. As time has gone by hardly anyone comes over, at least compared to back then anyway. She mentioned that we can rent to get out quicker so we saw a few rentals but then she decided we would buy, I let her decide this as I did not want to rent but I wanted her to make the decision so that I she wouldn’t feel as though I am forcing her to stay where she does not want to be. She has mentioned countless times that I am the husband and I must provide her with a house to live in and provide maintenance. The last time I spoke to our Islamic studies teachers, one in particular and after that conversation I spoke to her, without arguing. I said to her and confirmed the following points: 1. It is my responsibility to provide her with a place to live in, she agreed but stated that she does not want a rented place but wants me to put a deposit for a house and that I should have saved enough 2. She agreed that it is my responsibility to provide money that she has access to for food and her clothes and whatever else she wants to buy such as presents for her family etc 3. I confirmed with her that she was asking for her right and has received her rights and what about mine, at this point she started getting angry and said it is not about rights at all, i should always be doing these things. I mentioned that a part of my salary will go towards my mother and before I could get any further she started shouting that she has been waiting for me to buy a house and I am now talking about right so I stopped speaking and stayed quiet and finally left the room. I did not re-visit the conversation at all. I did however speak to our teacher who has advised me to speak to her and mention that we both need to speak to him.
So the main reason I have not re-visited the issues is that I would not be able to get across to her anything compared to what my teacher would be able to do and that is for both of us.
Regarding her duties I had an issue with her regarding her duties at the start of marriage as she stated that domestic chores ARE NOT her duty at all and whenever she chooses to do these it is charity so form that day on if something needs doing or she has not got around to it then I would do it and I would never question her on it, even if food is not made. Although she does do these things most of the time.
A part of me feels like you cannot expect your husband to fulfil your duties Islamic and then when he asks for his rights upon you then you start arguing with him, it does not work like that at all. Regarding visiting her parents the answer is from a religious perspective that it is once a week and that is the lenient position and that is for the women only. I have in the past said to her that you keep asking for your right to a separate place and all about rights, why do you not work and that way you will work five days a week, just like me and everything form the cooking to cleaning to everything else will be split evenly but she wasn’t having it. On a different occasion she would say I am ging to work but only three days a week as I do not want to do five but she would not look and when I would try to help her in looking she would state she is busy and stupid me I wouldn’t chase her on it.
I am fully aware that these problems I am having are my own making and some can be expectation and some can be my lack of understanding but most will be because I just have not done anything about it as I would rather avoid the argument but that doesn’t really get you anywhere does it.
Also after reading what I have typed above I understand that I just need to sit her down and go over what each one of us should be doing and our gripes with each other but after the previous times I have chatted I am not going to get through, it will all be about what she wants etc so I am going to go down the route of our teacher who also deals with relationship/marriage issues.
Forgive me if I have offended anyone with my views.
It doesn’t sound like she likes her life much or her home. She is trying to escape all of this by going to her parent’s place all the time. I think she is waiting for something to change before she can actually focus on her marriage. Perhaps she is waiting to move? Every woman loves HER home and if she doesn’t feel at home, she won’t bother with any of it. How does your mother treat her? I do believe she means it when she says it is not about rights. She just isn’t happy and doesn’t know what to do about it. It is that simple. Ask her flat out what will make her happy. Then do that. If your problems continue and she keeps playing the religion card then ask her what will she do if you leave her or get a second wife because that is your Islamic right too. I am sure she will find that ridiculous. Just because we have certain rights doesn’t mean we take those who fulfill those rights for granted. That is being selfish and ungratfeful.