okay so here’s the thing.. i got my nikah done about 7 months ago , had to go back home to Pakistan and he is my cousin.. i really liked him as a friend and spent time with him when i first went to Pak 3 yearz ago for a visit. As soon as i finished high school my dad decided to get me married before i go to college . i was not happy with his decision at alllll and refused cuz i was just not ready for it and neither at this point.. but then i gave up since my decision caused a lot of problemz in my family . i did not get my rukhsati done yet but we are planning on going bak to pak in sep. i talk to my husband once a week on the phone and i always find it very boringg. i am just not happy with this relationship and he knows that too, but it’s not that i want to break it because i can’t plus he is a really nice guy and he has most of the qualities that i would have wanted my husband to have. i just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. we are not able to communicate properly.
whenever we talk, it seems like as if im talking to a stranger or just a person i know. i just can’t seem to enjoy the moment as i think i should. Could you guys please suggest some tips that might help me improve my relationship with him?
Re: what to do?? :(
i know why u both get bore...coz both of u always talk about your ( his n your ) self...try to talk about relatives/cousin/friends..ask him about his school/college life...talk about childhood stories...i know its boring always talk like.."hi how are you im fine ..whats new?"..so always try to creat a new topic...after he is your husband now..u can discuss everything with him..
Re: what to do?? 
yh she is right…may b after ur relationship,he thinks that u r now his wife n he does not wan to free with u..may b…ALLAH knows beter just pray..and take it lite or may b u both r shy to talk …well bst of luck:wub:
Re: what to do?? :(
Let Redvelvet come he/she will tell you a long tip and then you can actually talk about that tip with ur husband that will consume around 3 hours of your conversation, trust me.
Btw stop saying what's new what's new every now and then in your conversation with ur husband that is.
Re: what to do?? :(
thnx everyone and Einstein i am waiting for her reply . i always enjoy reading her posts :)
you know girl your problem is nothing its just that long distance relationships do come to this stage! like you both dont get to see each other and as far as phone call is concerned there comes a time when you really dont get much space to express or grasp your feelings about each other. as you say he is a nice guy and you seem to find the qualities of a good husband in him just make it work then! id suggest that he should come to see you after a particular period of time until you dont get your rukhsati done or you should go to pakistan to see him. meeting and seeing each other is a LOT different from talking on phone or you can talk to him on daily basis like you could have video conferencing with him on the internet so that you both can see each other's expressions while you talk. i believe its a very healthy way to communicate with your spouse. May Allah bless you both amen
Let Redvelvet come he/she will tell you a long tip and then you can actually talk about that tip with ur husband that will consume around 3 hours of your conversation, trust me.
Btw stop saying what's new what's new every now and then in your conversation with ur husband that is.
Oh, you thought of ME? Yawn....even amidst the obvious poison you harbor toward me....I'm still on your mind....enough for you to call attention to me. Couldn't refrain from it could you? I'm flattered, thank you so much!
Also, thanks for referring Smarty Luver to someone who will post in a constructive manner. Can't say the same for you, though. The self-admired BREVITY of your OWN post did little beyond portraying your poorly concealed bitterness. Rest assured, the forums don't belong to me. YOU...TOO....can offer advice (brief advice if you so choose).......that although might not be the means for a "3-hour conversation".....could AT LEAST.....be worth a moment's consideration ;)
Re: what to do?? :(
Smarty Luver, I'm going out for a jog. I'll try to help you out to the best of my ability later on.
spam
Re: what to do?? :(
I think its too soon for you to judge.
If you had fallen in love and then gotten married and were going thru this...it would be different and a lot more stimulating for you to talk to him.
Right now, you dont know him too well so your conversations will be limited and formal...kinda boring.
Re: what to do?? :(
smarty luer, often times we class others as boring but we forget to look at ourselves.. communication happens both ways .. if you think he is boring , try having and exciting conversation with him, take him to the next level in your relationship... do this a couple of times and he will learn to respond back and open up more ...
no one is perfect when they enter a marriage , slowly both partners learn new things about each other every day .... you havnt accepted this relationship whole heartedly and you wont find it interesting until you get rid of your unhappiness...
Do remember that at the end of the day, you are both driving the car in turns ... and its a mutual effort ... the more sugar you add the sweeter it will get ... i hope this helps ...
Hi Smarty,
If you look at your post........you will find that towards the end you have written that "i am just not happy with this relationship and he knows that too." It's difficult for a guy to open up to a girl when he KNOWS that she's not happy about the relationship. Perhaps it's making him feel apprehensive and even self-conscious. He might even think that you're unhappy because you don't like him (although that's not true). Think about it. Would YOU feel uneasy if you **KNEW **that the other person was not happy being in a relationship with you? So, the first step here is to try to display a positive attitude. This will help him feel more relaxed. Often times we don't realize it but the other person can pick up on our tense vibes and body language and this can cause them to become reserved around us as well.
You also said that he is a good person and has many of the qualities that you would want in your spouse. That's awesome........considering how tough it is these days to find a decent partner. So, your very fortunate in that regard. And you also said that you don't want to break it off with him. This is a good sign because if the guy was THAT BAD......you would want OUT....but that's not the case. AND the fact that you've come here to improve your relationship show that you're interested in making it work. So, here are some suggestions:
1) Try to be positive, relax. Understand that marriage is a HUGE adjustment not only for you....but for him as well. Use humor to diffuse tense situations....it lightens up the atmosphere. Laugh. Laughter can be contagious. ;)
2) When you ask him questions.......try to stay away from questions that only require a one-word answer. Instead......ask him OPEN-ENDED questions that require more detailed answers. The benefits of open-ended questions is that they keep the conversation going. For example.......instead of asking him a boring closed-ended question such as "How was work?"......try asking him "So, what do you do at work?"..........and to make it more light-hearted.....ask him "So, do you have any funny/interesting/scary boss stories to share?" Instead of asking him "Have you seen any movies lately?"..........try "So, what kind of movies do you like?" or "What did you think of the the story line for this movie?". Open-ended questions force the person to speak more. Ask him, "So what places will you take me when I come to Pakistan?" Tell him something funny that happened to you at work, a good movie you watched, a good book you read. Tell him about a problem and ask him for his opinion. Know what I mean? Keep it open-ended.
3) Keep in mind that some people are better at talking face-to-face as opposed to the phone/email. Other people are better at talking through internet as opposed to phone. I have friends who are so distant over the phone but are more open with email/instant messaging/in person. And I've heard that guys, in general, are not good at talking on the phone.** ALSO*.......keep in mind............that YOU have NO IDEA who is **nearby **him when he's talking to you on the phone. Perhaps his parents or siblings are around him and that makes him feel self-conscious talking to you. SO........if he's uneasy over the phone..........try **email/instant messaging/MSN*. Since it would allow for more privacy, it might make a difference.
4) **A long distance relationship can't compare to actually living with your spouse. You said that you and him had become friends when you met him **prior to Nikkah. This indicates that he's a more lively person when you're sitting in front of him. InshaAllah things will get better when you're actually with him. Take the time to reflect why you're so unhappy and reserved with him over the phone. Sometimes our anger stems from OTHER sources. For example........deep down.........are you still upset at your parents and relatives for handling the situation in an abrupt and tactless manner? Don't take out your resentment toward them on your husband. Desi culture/elders can be tactless about such things and even if you try to nicely confront them about their behavior.....they may......or may not understand. You can't change/control them or the way they think. But you do have greater control over yourself and implementing changes to better your life. So, reflect over where the discomfort is stemming from. My apologies for the long post. Best wishes :)
Re: what to do?? :(
Just curious, are you going to move to Pakistan or will he move to the country you live in?
Oh, you thought of ME? Yawn....even amidst the obvious poison you harbor toward me....I'm still on your mind....enough for you to call attention to me. Couldn't refrain from it could you? I'm flattered, thank you so much!
Also, thanks for referring Smarty Luver to someone who will post in a constructive manner. Can't say the same for you, though. The self-admired BREVITY of your OWN post did little beyond portraying your poorly concealed bitterness. Rest assured, the forums don't belong to me. YOU...TOO....can offer advice (brief advice if you so choose).......that although might not be the means for a "3-hour conversation".....could AT LEAST.....be worth a moment's consideration ;)
Kia??? You completely misjudged my post. Refer to my previous posts about you(in some other thread) if you can.
Thanks
Just curious, are you going to move to Pakistan or will he move to the country you live in?
no he's coming here
Re: what to do?? :(
He might be thinking the exact same thing. If you know that this is it - give it your all, you can't afford to dwell on the negatives, it'll make life incredibly long and boring. Convince yourself there is more to him. Much, much easier said than done I know but mind over matter.
Re: what to do?? :(
its all on the phone thats why. and theres also some modesty and sharam maybe. let him come here or when you go in sep, il guarantee youll find it easier to talk.
i had the same situation ( without nikah) with my cousin in the beggining i didnt like him much, although he possessed the great qualities i would want my husband to have. i just didnt have those feelings for him. and then he came here and it ook a while, but my feelings for him now are alot stronger. i think you need to be togehter. if you were bf and gf and then he had moved abroad, that kida long distance is easier because you alreayd have a relationship. however you currently do not have one or did not have one prior to marriage, thats why its so difficult.
the solution to this is....you need face to face contact, he needs to get his **** here quick, when you in sep, youll be fine.
Re: what to do?? :(
InshAllah :)
thanx for your advice everyone !
Re: what to do?? :(
SL...you're not by any chance having trouble communicating with him in Urdu or whatever language he speaks, because alot of British/U.S born kids have problem in expressing themselves in Urdu...my hubby often stifled me with a whole load of gobbledee gook, i didnt know whether to laugh or cry and didnt wanna act like a fool for not understanding a word of the foreign language he spoke...
it takes time you will get there, you have alot of time to build on your relationship