Hi everyone,
I have been happily married for 8 yrs now and have 3 kids. I love my husband very much and take good care of him too. The problem is that my husband doesn’t like having people over. Especially when my parents or sister/brother come over, he behaves as if he hates having them, doesn’t talk to anyone and sometimes even locks himself in his study. It really breaks my heart. I have talked to him so many times about this, he always apologizes for his behavior but still does the same thing again. My question is that do other married men behave the same way to their in-laws?? What should I do? Should I stop having them over??
I don’t want to argue with him anymore…I am just tired of it.
no i dont think all hubbbies behave dis way lolzz
im not married but im stayyin over at my sis's place along wit my mom n bro n my sis hubby is soooo niceeeeeeeee nicer den my sis she gets tired of us at times but him...NEVER
hez alwayz talking and joking were like a nice family.
for ur part i think u need to find out da reaosn behin dhis behavior...does he act dat way wen anyone comes over or j us ur parents? is he a shy person? or a person who tends to control his anger by ignoring everything around..?
maybe he jus feels unconfortable around ur family porlly htey have great differences ...
Hi everyone, I have been happily married for 8 yrs now and have 3 kids. I love my husband very much and take good care of him too. The problem is that my husband doesn't like having people over. Especially when my parents or sister/brother come over, he behaves as if he hates having them, doesn't talk to anyone and sometimes even locks himself in his study. It really breaks my heart. I have talked to him so many times about this, he always apologizes for his behavior but still does the same thing again. My question is that do other married men behave the same way to their in-laws?? What should I do? Should I stop having them over?? I don't want to argue with him anymore...I am just tired of it.
Lilangels ask him why he does this. any particular reason........any issue with them. he might have problems or issues with them. what are his reasons? doesnt like them and why?
my Phupo's husband does kind of same thing. he doesnt like to come to our house, if comes starts to make comments on everything and everyone.
and once we had huge birthday party and he didnt trun up and all the people were asking about him. so we decided to avoid him as much as possible.
even wen we went to his house we ignored him and talked to aunty mostly. and he has realised that (but not fully) and now behaves little better and turns up.
no i dont think all hubbbies behave dis way lolzz im not married but im stayyin over at my sis's place along wit my mom n bro n my sis hubby is soooo niceeeeeeeee nicer den my sis she gets tired of us at times but him...NEVER hez alwayz talking and joking were like a nice family. ...
lil_ash same with my husband. whenever i get angry or have problems with my bro and sis, he tells me to cool down.
my dad also is very nice/friendly to my mom's parents and sibblings. he financially does support my khala who is not well off, without my mum asking him or them asking dad. he also pays for my Nani's medical expenses as he wants to share with my Mamoo who is not rich as well. wen we go to pak, he goes to my khala's and mamoo's house alot and spents lots of time with them.
Re: what to do???
lil angel hmm that sounds like a little more than friciton.was it like this from day one? or has it been soemthing that has festered to this extent? of course u know the details so its hard to know. however dont get into what is normal what is not. rather what you think is troubling you and your partner.
Re: what to do???
My hubby used to be very open and energetic with my family but lately he has been quiet and leaned back in my opinion...
I thought it was cuz I am like that with his sis but I found out that his illness has made him les talktive in general cuz he is so tired.
Perhaps there are other issues with your hubby than what seems to be the case??
Thanks everyone for replying!!
No he was not like this from day 1. When we first got married he was very talkative and participated in my family's activities. We used to have picnics together with my parents. Recently, there has been 1 problem though, he has been losing money in our investments but I don't think that should be a problem because he behaves quite normal when he is with his cousins. I feel that he is not doing his share of taking care of my feelings while I am fulfilling my wifely duties with 100% commitment. Anyway, I guess Croquet is right I shouldn't worry about whether its normal or not. There r some other issues that I have to work with him.
Re: what to do???
^ Do your relatives visit too often? Maybe he thinks they visit too often, and if they come less frequently your hubbie might like that.
Thanks everyone for replying!! No he was not like this from day 1. When we first got married he was very talkative and participated in my family's activities. We used to have picnics together with my parents. Recently, there has been 1 problem though, he has been losing money in our investments but I don't think that should be a problem because he behaves quite normal when he is with his cousins. I feel that he is not doing his share of taking care of my feelings while I am fulfilling my wifely duties with 100% commitment. Anyway, I guess Croquet is right I shouldn't worry about whether its normal or not. There r some other issues that I have to work with him.
Bingo..
a wise person told me that finance worries are at the back of EVERY guy's mind, even if they are financially stable. Traditionally, a man is supposed to be a good provider, and that role is being threatened.
If he's acting "normal" with his family and not with yours, it can be because he can relax with his own family. No matter how good the rleationship between him and your family may be, he might be secretly thinking that ppl in ur family will be looking down on him because he can't do his job right (be a good provider). You might feel he's not taking care of your feelings and he may just be preoccupied and worried because of what's going on. Best you can do is to just be patient, listen to him, and help however you can....
Bingo.. a wise person told me that finance worries are at the back of EVERY guy's mind, even if they are financially stable. Traditionally, a man is supposed to be a good provider, and that role is being threatened.
If he's acting "normal" with his family and not with yours, it can be because he can relax with his own family. No matter how good the rleationship between him and your family may be, he might be secretly thinking that ppl in ur family will be looking down on him because he can't do his job right (be a good provider). You might feel he's not taking care of your feelings and he may just be preoccupied and worried because of what's going on. Best you can do is to just be patient, listen to him, and help however you can....
Thanks so much sara516
what words of wisdom you just gave me!!!It seems you really understood my problem... I never thought of it that way. I have always thought that he should always be comfortable with my family since we have been married a long time. But I have realized now that he feels that he is being judged for his behavior either by me or my family. I'll just have to start acting normal I guess.
Thanks everybody!!
yea den prolly cud be relatives visiting to much ....wats his response wen u askk?
Bingo.. a wise person told me that finance worries are at the back of EVERY guy's mind, even if they are financially stable. Traditionally, a man is supposed to be a good provider, and that role is being threatened.
If he's acting "normal" with his family and not with yours, it can be because he can relax with his own family. No matter how good the rleationship between him and your family may be, he might be secretly thinking that ppl in ur family will be looking down on him because he can't do his job right (be a good provider). You might feel he's not taking care of your feelings and he may just be preoccupied and worried because of what's going on. Best you can do is to just be patient, listen to him, and help however you can....
hai i know people who so dont care about the finances and their wives are going crazy out of mind.life can suck at times.
Thanks so much sara516 what words of wisdom you just gave me!!!It seems you really understood my problem... I never thought of it that way. I have always thought that he should always be comfortable with my family since we have been married a long time. But I have realized now that he feels that he is being judged for his behavior either by me or my family. I'll just have to start acting normal I guess. Thanks everybody!!
glad i cud help :)
hai i know people who so dont care about the finances and their wives are going crazy out of mind.life can suck at times.
^ how so? like they dont care abt earning? or they have a "Allah khair karay" attitude abt things?
Most of the men don't like in-laws, but they want their wives behave denectly with his family becoz she came to his family, and he is not in her family so probably don't like them, in initial days my hubbythought like this but I said if u gave respect to my family then I do the same. When yours family members came u want me to show good gesture so when my family members came u should have to do the same, now he realizes.
Re: what to do???
^^^ i guess his family doesnt visit as much as her family in this case, thats my assumption. that can also put off some people. or he has been ignored by her family /relatives in the past in any way he think was important, he might have deep down in his heart about this, wouldnt mention though.
my in laws are completely opposite, they dont like to visit me or my family at all, all they want is speak to my wife and ask her to come over when she is in Pak, some of you may not beleive it in 4 years time my in laws visited me /or my family ..... Once and once before marriage , two visits in total and 2nd visit was forced by me.
my wife generally dont like people to come over our house, specially if they are not her friends. and she did the same in the past as your husband lock herself in the room and people looking at my face... where is your wife, apparently she acted exactly same as she use to do in her family home, if she didnt like anyone she just go to her room and take rest. let the other family members deal.
I made her to realise, here you are the lady of the house and there is no one who can replace you see people if they are your house... slowly she realised and fixed this.
but there has been a sharpe decrease of friends visiting me since I got married. cold response does repel people away
Re: what to do???
First I must ask...why does your husband not want them over? are they disrespectful to him? do you ignore him when they are over? there may be a reason he is behaving this way. find out what the reason is (i am sure you have already) and act accordingly.
If your family is rude or disrespectful to him when they come over then I wouldnt allow them to come over because a wife should not allow anyone to act that way towards her husband even if it is her own family. If this is the case then you need to talk to your family. If he can not give you a reason for his behavior then this is what i would do...
not married but this is most like what I would do if i was...
tell him that you have the right to have your family over and that he will just have to get used to it. you can't cut off ties and/or stop having them over just because he wants to throw a tantrum about it. hopefully with time he will realize that you have put your foot down about this issue and he will in turn just get over it.
IMO it's ok to give in to the small insignificant things such as what color to paint a room, your husband leaving his dinner plates on the table or leaving his clothes on the floor. But you must put your foot down on issues that really matter such as this. Let him know that this is not acceptable and there is no compromising on this.
Re: what to do???
i highly doubt it has anythign to do with him not liking ur parents...
Sara, answered really well. If its the finances, that will be bugging him. And he's probably comfortable enough with ur family to excuse himself to go stress in another room... or maybe he feels he's not looking after u well enough (in terms of finances) and cant face ur parents... wierd analogy i know... so dont read into what im saying too much..
bottom line... finances are a huge burden on men. We women (and im talking quite generally so dont be upset anyone) but what im saying is, men do worry about finances a lot more than women.. i have to tell my hubby to relax at least 5 times in a year.. lol hehe.. and investment is a huuuuuge thing. He's prob thinking what will happen if things dont work out... prob thinking of a lot of things. Just be there for him. I dont think he hates ur family.... :)
Re: what to do???
^ yh.. plus it's been 8 years, so it's safe to say this is not how things really are, or that he's showing his true colors or whatever ur afraid of... but rather a rough patch u gys are going through.. Good luck.. any update on it btw?
Re: what to do???
Is he having any trouble at work? Maybe he is having problems at his job and uses that time when your parents are over to go to his study and think. You, the kids and in-laws are occupied with each other and it seems like the perfect time to get away.
Re: what to do???
Maybe he just doesn't like his in-laws? Something happen in the past? Something you think is small and insignificant but not to him. Maybe, a trust was broken somewhere in the past?