What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

Lifestyle Relationships
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Assalam-o-Elaikum
Dear all guppies, I found u all so helpful, n give wise suggestions to. Here I m in need of some of ur advices, I m stuck here in, n totally lost now :S

E’m in a long term relationship with Mr. A, for abt 5 yrs now. In starting yrs he was completing his studies n then he started doing job, we are on different lands so keep stay in touch via net, sometimes via fone

Ma family didn’t knew abt this involvement /relationship of ours, In the start of ‘08 I got a gud proposal , wen he came to kno abt it, he asked me to tell my mom abt him & this relationship, n that he is serious for me, is willing to meet my mum wen he’ll visit pk. He did so, he visited pk the same yr and meet my mum in person n talked abt this relationship

My mum liked the boy but she said that its not da way to to get things done. She said she can only consider his proposal 4me wen he’ll bring his parents with him in a proper way. He admits that mum is right. He said he’ll be going to visit pk again in 3 months to attend his sister’s wedding, n after that he’ll bring his parents to meet ma parents

Then he went back, due to some reasons her wedding got delayed till next yr. n he didn’t came cuz of the same reason. In da mid of nxt yr he came again to attend his sis’s wedding and said once he get free from all those wedding arrangements, he’ll make things work 4 us (He also wanted me along with ma family to invite on this wedding n asked me if I cud come, in this way it wud be easier for our folks to meet each other, I asked mum abt it but she said it wudnt make any sense for the girls family to go when no body from his family knos us, n every one wud be staring at us, so dropped this idea)

After the wedding things settled down, he got disappeared for more then week, wen I called him, he said nothing to me, I thought he is ignoring me, but after 1month he explained dat he is busy in setting up business in pk so quite busy in making arrangements. Again he said don’t worry, “I’ll bring ma parents ur place”.

Time passed and he remained bz in his business n all. In his last week of vacations he told me that his mother want him to get married to one of his cousin, he told me the whole situation, n described that he refused to marry his cousin, his mum some how knows abt me too (never met). She has objection that I was once working in office, which I left now, still she has problems with my job. He is very cool minded and understanding person, n he knows very well that I just joined the firm as an activity.

Neways on last days this issue raised at his side so he decided not to involve his parents n keep me hidden from his parents n relatives to let me be secure till his next trip.

I kno he is such a luvly person n truly loves me n don’t want neone to bother me or ma family in his absence, he knows I cant handle his parents alone if they’ll create any problem intentionally n things will go worse

Also on ma side, my mum is offend of his this behaviour, n not ready to wait 4 him, she thinks he is wasting my time, in the mean tym if she’ll find any gud proposal, she wont be listening to me.

He know this issue too at my side, n said if i’ll recv. Any proposal during his absence, then he’ll send his folks any how to ask my hand

E’m satisfied with his decisions, but donno sumtimes I think is it really right decision, or it’s just an excuse from him on making a commitment? Or my mum is right saying he is just wasting my time? What shud I do?

Plz advice………….

P.S. E’m sorry for long post, i cant summarize more then that, but i have broken it into small paras to make it easily read

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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

I think he is being pressured to let you go. He may cave in because his mother seems to be a dominating character. He didnt hide you to make it easy for you...he hid you because he probably told his mother the relationship with you is over.

Your mother should be offended and has every right to feel that way...she is the mother of a young girl. She loves you and is probably upset because she thinks you're worth every effort and struggle the man has to go through to get you.

He is waiting for you to get another proposal to send his parents? Why? Why not now?

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i have only 1 advise for you listen to your mother !

i think he's playing very safe and i think u have given him enuf time , why setting up biz and all is more important than you ? for me waiting is the worst thing and u have waited enuf for this guy. your mom respects your wishes and she has given you enuf time & every opportunity to let you marry the guy you want and now being a mother she is giving you very sincere opinion and advise so listen to her you'll be happy inshallah !!

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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

I think he may have strong feelings for you but somewhere along the way, he has been distracted and now he is thinking of the possibility of breaking up. He should not be so afraid of his family. He can gather the courage to make them understand and have them go over to your place for an official proposal. You need to talk to him once again with firm questions and ask for clear answers.

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^ bcz he thinks his folks will create hurdles in his absence, he wants to hadle things in his way in his presence. he is not waiting for my another proposal, this is the worse situation he supposed to handle this way. he is waiting for his nxt trip after 1 yr

Timepass - November 2013
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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

first makeup ur mind wat u really want...want to keep waiting or u want a decision.
then write all ur doubts on a pg n ask him to clear each.
talk to him firmly n ask him to b honest with u. . if he clears ur doubt good. tell him u hav another proposal n ur mom has given u a week's notice. if within a week he won't send his family u would hav no option but to give in to ur mom's wishes. then wait n see for a week.
if hes unable to send his family. break all contacts n move fwd.

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His folks cant do anything in his absence...unless they are the laati-danda type people...in which case you should think twice about this rishta.

If you are going to go along with this then know there is no guarantee things will work out after the year is over. Why one year? Why cant his parents be trusted to come to your house and resolve everything in a peaceful manner? These are adults...why are they being babysat?

Im not trying to attack him or you, just trying to show you things are not as they seem to you. It makes no sense to me that he has to wait another year and pretend you no longer exist because he is scared his parents may cause problems for you in his absence.

Here is what I think: He told his parents you are not a part of his life anymore. Things between the two of you will get rocky in the coming year and eventually you will break up...(khudana khwasta). Be smart, talk to him openly and if you sense something off...listen to your gut.

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^ is it worth to wait 4 him another yr, i dont wanna loose him. :(, infact i cant see neone in his place. how can i moove fwd, i got tears in ma eyes, how cud he be with me like this, as in does he really wanna breakup with me ........

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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

i never said he wanna break up with u. but he's for sure delaying it. when he knew so well he won't b back for 1 whole yr he should hav taken care of this prob. if he couldn't handle it then how will he solve the issue next yr?
u should stay prepare for any bad news too

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Re: What shud i do now…? Feeling lost

This is an unfortunate sitaution for you both and I really hope it works out for the best…

Have no solution apart from go with your gut feeling and remember if he really wants it he will make it happen..

Chin up…

:hugz:

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hmm, em too fedup now of this delaying thing, i feel lyk i m hanging in b/w,
but on the flip side if i consider his excuses, those some how seems rite to me, as his relatives want him to marry their daughters, n he says that those relatives in jeleousy will create problems in building our relationship. will do tha (Kaan Bharing thing ) abt me to his parents

u r right, i was thinking same abt telling him abt ma another proposal just to chek him out. but i m thinking wen to told him abt it, its just 1 week today he flew back.

oh thanks confucius foe ur love, really em lost, can imagine him going from ma lyf :teary1:

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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

Sonye , boys who are serious about marriage , do not waste time ... others just carry on with the excuses , but eventually give in to their mothers desires ..

In complete honesty, there is only 5% chance that things might happen as you wish them to ... the rest of the 95% indicate that:

  • He's busy in his life , you are not his priority whereas for you he is your priority ..
  • his parents have already in effect rejected your proposal .. if he was serious he would have had some serious discussions at home when he was there in pakistan and sorted the situation out .. parents do not change their minds that easy.
  • Even if say after another few years of waiting his parents agree , what if your parents feel dejected by their delay and refuse ?

There are too many risks my dear in this wait game .. trust you me .. its not worth it. I know how you will feel if you decide to break up with him... you will experience immense pain and emotional breakage .. but eventually if you do get married to the right person inshallah you will be back in the best of emotional health.

I would have totally advised you to wait for him if his priority was you... but it doesnt look like the case at present. Depends on your age as well.. you dont wanna wait for long if you are already in your mid 20's ...

Good luck... I hope inshallah you will make a wise decision.

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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

Be strong and listen to your instincts...if something he says makes you uneasy or uncomfortable...chances are...your gut is right.

Good luck and keep us posted. :)

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listen to ur mother. best thing u cud do for urself.
sounds to me like he s sum chicken wid no balls. n wants to keep u hangin in there for whatever reason. but i dont think he has the guts to go against his family . he wudnt .
so listen to ur mom.

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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

before taking any decision i wud advice u to talk to him first..and let him know that u can't wait for more than 1 month..and see what he has to say..if he agrees than give him a chance..even then he doesnt send his parent to ur home..thn theres no point in waiting...so juss listen to ur mom...nd move on..

best wishes..:)

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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

well who is he to choose anything for you? we girls sometimes undisputedly give all our rights of decision making to guys. lol. and if he marries you it will be a huge ehsan of him on your zaat.

whether he is a good, or a bad guy the reality is he cant convince his mother about you and your character. and even if you married to him the chances are his mother will take a lot of time to accept you as a part of her family.

so now even if he wants to marry you, you should refuse to marry him. in fact send your shadi invitation to him n his family.

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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

Listen to Chicken Biryani's advise after your mom's (Other are good too)

but Biryani said - guys who want to get married DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME!

This post should end right here... and I order you to read the above line like 100 times! Then go to your mom and say she is right in everyway possible.

Who says you should forget about this guy? If you like him, then keep him in your prayers. That's IT.

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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

Your mom is right. Do what she is saying. Guy doesn't have enough courage to face his own parents. Good luck.

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Hi Soniye,

Yikes! It's a real tough situation to be in when your heart and mind are not on the same page. And I understand all to well that often times emotions can be stronger than reason and logic.

I agree with the posters above. I do not understand why a guy would feel the need to wait for a year. If he needs 1 more year to get married.....then he could have sent his parents to your home for a rishta......agree to a 1-year engagement.....after which the marriage can take place. But he hasn't even done that. In other words, he's not taking strong enough action.

Let's assume that his parents know about you and they already don't like you. What is the purpose of waiting for 1 year? If his parents don't like you now..........there's no guarantee that they will like you if he talk to them about you after 1 year. What we all are trying to tel you is that there is NO connection between sending his parents for rishta and "1-year." I don't think that these two things are connected in any important way. If him and his parents need 1 year to get married..........then as I said earlier.....it's possible for him to agree to a 1-year engagement. This way he will make it known that he and his parents have an intention for a commitment. And you n your mum will not be waiting around....with so many doubts....and little direction.

He said that his mom wants him to marry a cousin. And I gather from your post that he does not want to marry his cousin. Right? If that is the case...........has he expressed to his mom that he does NOT want to marry his cousin???? Was he strong enough to tell his mom that he is not interested in such a rishta? This would be a good point to discuss with him.

He said that if he lets his parents know that he's interested in marrying you, then his relatives will try to turn his parents against you.......the whole "kaan bharing" **thing. I'm sorry, **Soniye, but that's a silly reason to avoid facing his parents. Is he that afraid of his relatives? There are so many couples whose in-laws don't like them...............but they don't let this bother them.........because at the end of the day........they **KNOW **that their own relationship is the number 1 priority and not what some chacha, chachi, phoopo, mamoo, thinks.

I see several red flags here:

*1) * There's no connection between him waiting for 1 year and sending his parents to your home. If his parents dont like you know........they probably won't like you 1 year later. So what's the need to wait for one year?

2) As a guy, he should KNOW that as a girl you could get several good rishtas in 1-year....and that your parents and you could even agree to another rishta. And if a guy is serious about a girl and if he REALLY TRULY SINCERELY ABSOLUTELY wants to marry her..........he will think to himself, **"There is NO WAY I'm going to let another guy/rishta get this girl. There is NO WAY I'm going to give any other guy a chance to marry her. I love her......so I will convince my parents to go to her home for a rishta........because if I waste any more time.......somebody else could get her." **Don't make excuses for him........what is he waiting for?

3) I know that you believe this guy is a lovely person. And I'm not saying that he isn't. He could be a really sweet and charming guy. But he doesn't seem very strong. He doesn't have the courage to get his parents to talk to your parents. He doesn't have the courage to tell his mom he doesn't want to marry his cousin. He's afraid of his relatives "kaan-bharing".......which is ridiculous because stupid relatives are in every family and they will continue gossiping till the crack of doom and that's no reason to be afraid of living your own life.
I know that when we love someone, we tend to make excuses for them. But, look at the facts, sweetheart. Your mom is looking out for you. She believes that her daughter is WORTH **a guy's effort in sending his parents for a rishta. She believes that you're worth the struggle and fight. And your mom wants **YOU to recognize your own worth. And like any mother....she won't be impressed with a guy who doesn't think her own daughter is worth fighting for.

********** So try thinking about all these things. All the ladies above....CB, Mabrook, Psquared, Zobia, etc..........have made very good points that I'm only re-emphasizing. As Mabrook suggested, make a list of questions and concerns you have and discuss them with your boyfriend. And I would also suggest that you **TELL your boyfriend **that your parents have given a 2-week time frame for him to send his parents over if he's sincerely interested........and if he's not interested....then he should be honest with you......so you can move on with your life and find someone who seriously wants to be with you. And if your boyfriend loves u.......he'll get scared of this limited time........and he'll send his parents for a rishta SOON. And if he makes excuses........then you'll know he's not serious and that you need to move on. Best of luck, hon.

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Re: What shud i do now........? Feeling lost

wow ...redvelvet ..well said ..

sonye ..best wishes 4r u ..:)