Real life scenario: My best friend throughout childhood had a highschool sweetheart who she married and who none of her friends liked. Most of us learned to tolerate him and not say anything negative about him, but the friendship was definitely affected in that we saw less of her because we didn’t want to have to intereact with him and they came as a duo. It was only later when he divorced her, left her bankrupt and a single mother of 3 girls (he resented the fact that they didn’t have a son - he wasn’t even desi, he was Greek) that the friends finally outed their feelings on him.
Mind you, we never said I told you so, rather, we just didn’t feel compelled to hold back our real opinions on him. The point being, our friendship was affected by our not liking him.
Has that happened to any of you? What have you done?
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
So you didn't like.....plant ideas in her head about him being a bad guy?? and like...... try to convince her in subtle ways in breaking their relationship??
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
How is your friend's behavior toward you guys now? Did she say anything about how she maybe should have considered your opinions about the guy more seriously? If things are still awkward, would it help if you were all to let her know that you weren't too fond of him because you care so much about her..and felt that wasn't that compatible with her...and that his behavior made you guys feel uneasy and it was tough to balance that unease with being supportive of her.
Re: What if you don’t like your friend’s husband/wife?
:
you woudn’t know about it being implanted … nobody is that dumb to say it in a way for your alarms to ring…it will be subtle…your friends probably know a lot more about how you think,what your insecurities are and how to press your buttons to convince you n all :
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
Its a tough situation. I have a really close friend and I don't really care for her husband so we do see less of each other. I've kept my mouth shut...she's a grown woman and can make her own decisions. I think as long as there's no abuse friends should keep their opinions to themselves.
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
i've noticed that my friends have been right a lot of the times with any guy that i've been interested in/has been interested in me. I hated them for it and didn't believe it, but when things turned sour and I was forced to reevaluate what was going on, my friends had been correct. Of course, I don't blindly follow them but I do listen to what they have to say. sometimes a third party whose judgement isn't completely clouded by "love"/hormones is a better judge.
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
How is your friend's behavior toward you guys now? Did she say anything about how she maybe should have considered your opinions about the guy more seriously? If things are still awkward, would it help if you were all to let her know that you weren't too fond of him because you care so much about her..and felt that wasn't that compatible with her...and that his behavior made you guys feel uneasy and it was tough to balance that unease with being supportive of her.
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
are you saying whatever the friends say holds no value?? even at subconscious level??
they do. But speaking from personal experience, I once almost had a heated argument with my friend because they had assumed a certain impression about my SO after my engagement when they hadn't even spent time with him.
They thought I was being too timid and that he's arrogant etc. Although he was just in the shy/reserved/judgemental phase of getting to know each other. I really felt bad and got defensive too. It was more of a reflex mechanism.
Friends are *obviously *very important but at the end of the day it's your spouse you have to live with. BUT one should listen to the friends' advice if the potential spouse is a common friend. That way the friends too would know him well enough to give sound judgement about him etc. But sadly it doesn't happen.
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
So you didn't like.....plant ideas in her head about him being a bad guy?? and like...... try to convince her in subtle ways in breaking their relationship??
i think i would that........
What Sara said below. When she started to date him, the friends let her know that we had reservations about him. But love is blind and we risked losing our friendship altogether, so most of us opted to just say nothing.
If my friends tried to implant in my head that my husband is a bad guy or something then surely I would end up rejecting those friends...
How is your friend's behavior toward you guys now? Did she say anything about how she maybe should have considered your opinions about the guy more seriously? If things are still awkward, would it help if you were all to let her know that you weren't too fond of him because you care so much about her..and felt that wasn't that compatible with her...and that his behavior made you guys feel uneasy and it was tough to balance that unease with being supportive of her.
My friend is a different person than she was as a teen. As for our friendship, it's not the same either, we're older with different life experiences behind us. I will say, one of the things I resent is the time lost and the inability to support her when she needed me. Her husband was a controlling guy who did cause her to lose touch with friends and really did a number on her self-esteem. I just hate the idea of telling her I never liked him (she knows, but putting it in words, almost seems to add insult to injury).
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
I wasn't too crazy about the husband of one of my friends. I think that when they were having issues before marriage...I gave her my opinion but I tried to word it carefully. And after marriage when she would share things about him (which she seemed clueless about)...I'd share my opinion...sometimes indirectly. They're not together anymore.....she got tired of them not being on the same page...and him living off of her...(which I picked up on a long time ago). He wasn't a bad guy...in fact he was really nice...well a bit over-the-top/phony nice...waaay too positive that it could come across as too lax...i found it annoying.
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
What Sara said below. When she started to date him, the friends let her know that we had reservations about him. But love is blind and we risked losing our friendship altogether, so most of us opted to just say nothing.
My friend is a different person than she was as a teen. As for our friendship, it's not the same either, we're older with different life experiences behind us. I will say, one of the things I resent is the time lost and the inability to support her when she needed me. Her husband was a controlling guy who did cause her to lose touch with friends and really did a number on her self-esteem. I just hate the idea of telling her I never liked him (she knows, but putting it in words, almost seems to add insult to injury).
That reminds me of another friend...who got married at 18 to a guy seven years older than him. Never had a bad experience with her...but from what I had heard...he seemed controlling. Now...my friend just doesn't keep in touch...not only with me but even relatives from her husband's family (that she's close to). The way she's distanced herself is strange. I've no evidence..but sometimes I wonder if it has anything to do with her husband...if it's easier for him to be establish greater control now that she's so far away from friends and family.
Also, you could try to get in touch with her again...and not metion that you never liked him. You say she already knows. Let HER be the one to share her feelings about her ex/the relationship.
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
I'm in that situation right now..my husband is not very social and has only a select few friends that he hangs out with, all of which he's known since he was in grade school back in Khi....one of those class fellows is in our same city, and he and my hubby were roommates during college. I've always treated this guys as a "devar" and everything was fine until the friend got married. The girl he married (arranged) is extremely immature and in typical new dulhan fashion, didn't want to live with his parents (her saas susar eventually moved out of the house and live alone in a dingy apartment even though this guy is the ONLY son they have)blah, blah, blah....so of course, we counseled them, listened to all her woes, advised, gave shoulders to cry on, spent countless time mentoring them as newlyweds (on THEIR request!)....I found it all extremely comical, but I humored her for the sake of my husband and his friend...UNTIL...I found out that she was talking crap about me...also, this "friend" of my husband's conveniently is NEVER there for us when we needed help (like when BOTH my parents were dying at the same time and I was running around trying to care for them in TWO different countries, with 3 kids under the age of 5, not once did either of them offer to babysit, help out or even lend a shoulder of support when my parents passed away)....so I brushed them off and pulled back a little, but was still cordial...again..UNTIL...I saw on Facebook that my husbands friend's mom made some very belittling and rude comments about my mother, who had been deceased for 2 yrs at that point (she had been their real estate agent and helped them purchase a home that ended up having foundation issues 7 years later)the friend did nothing, no apologies, nothing....I told my husband that he can choose to be friends with whomever he likes, but those wretched people are NOT welcome in my home, nor will I associate with them.
So now hubby meets his friend out at their local desi watering hole for chai, instead of asking him to our house, hubby doesn't pressure me to attend parties at their house (usually makes an excuse that I had a family engagement that night or something).....it's not an ideal situation, but i am standing by convictions and will not have anything to do with his friend or his wife until they apologize or acknowledge that I have a right to be insulted/hurt...yeah, not holding my breath waiting for that to happen!
Re: What if you don't like your friend's husband/wife?
I have a friend whose husband is like that...I can't stand him. No one can.
He has an ego the size of Texas and can barely get through an evening without looking down his nose at someone else. Over the years I've learned to forgive his many offenses because my friend is married to him. I ignore him.
I don't say anything to her...she married him...not me. He is her problem. If she reaches out for my help or if I notice she is in trouble and needs me, I will never back down. But will I go out of my way to say things about him? No. I don't think he deserves a topic of his own.
)
… nobody is that dumb to say it in a way for your alarms to ring…it will be subtle…your friends probably know a lot more about how you think,what your insecurities are and how to press your buttons to convince you n all :