Re: What does Support mean...
Nadz is Awesome!!!
Re: What does Support mean...
befriend a SIL and take her out to bookshops etc. I know what you mean about the lack of independence in Pakistan but you cant just sit on your butt and be bored. Talk to your MIL too and ask for advice about it. Talk to your husband and instead of demanding to get books etc, say to him, "Hey i am thinking of reading some books so i thought i might go out with SIL, is that ok with you?". He will most likely say yes and you can make friends with your SIL and get to go out of the house.
Re: What does Support mean...
Nadz - what I don't get is that you knew when you said yes to marrying him that you would have to move back to Pakistan. Why then are you complaining about it? Yes, life in Pakistan is different, and yes maybe he should be more supportive. But you need to accept your current living situation and stop complaining. Your being miserable is like a self-fulfiling prophecy. You've convinced yourself that that you do not and cannot like Pakistan and as a result, you're unhappy. If you have a more positive attitude, life and living there may start to look better to you.
Re: What does Support mean…
Like some people said here, take your need/ wants into your own control. So can you work? It sounds like there are enough people to look after the baby. Take the ping pong table out yourself, maybe with the help of a noker. Whatever you want to eat, cook yourself.
Do your Mil or Sil ever leave the house? If so, go with them, and don’t let them say no.
You should start watching desperate housewives, they have some good advice on how to control husbands 
Re: What does Support mean…
go the above website and order online the books you want also try to find out if they have a shop in the city you are residing in right now. If I remember correctly u r in peshawar I don’t know if the environment over there allows women to move around freely. I have never been there but it’s certainly one of the most conservative cities we have in Pakistan.
Re: What does Support mean...
Come on Nadz can't you find some way of establishing yourself, maybe offer to tutor local children in English or set up a small home business, build some connections and make some friends.
Re: What does Support mean…
strange !! been there numerous time in 90s and in last decade as well… never find it conservative…
Re: What does Support mean...
Nadz. Ye gods, woman. I don't understand why you're complaining about losing your independence, when it seems like you're actually giving it away by depending on him for all sorts of nonsensical stuff.
Re: What does Support mean...
okay
the pingpong/table tennis table is not even in the house, its in husbands neighbours house or something, and they all men, so im assuming thyats why i cant just drop by and ask for it back...
secondly, we do have a car, and a driver, but its not the same as wanting to just go out myself..dont want a driver, i just want some time to go out by myself alone, like i used to back home.
my husband still doesnt have a job yet...........am i complaining about that? most women would go spare at their husbands all day long if they didnt have a job....so i expect him to atleast be there for me......however he seems to be in status quo.....he is looking, but not as he should....its a term i call lazy.....
and the reason i cant communicate as well here with stuff, is because of the language barrier....i cant speak pushto well, infact hardly.....so if i speak poutside, they know im a foreigner, my urdu is also uk-fied.....so its pointless me going out by myself....
i hate this place......im beginning to hate my husband just for bringing me here and hoping il be ok....what am i meant to do if im noy happy? i didnt come here to be unhappy.....yes i am trying, maybe not hard enough, however i iwsh was happy.....
with the book thing, i want some books, and so my brother whose coming next week to pak, asked him to get me some..now my husband said why u ask him, he wont havre any space in his suitcase, and ur making him carry more weight blah blah....he didnt think at all, tht ok il take you to bookshop, we will find one, somehwere, he just moaned at me...
and to be honest, its not like ive gone from uk to canada, its pakistan, and its peshawar i need to know fluent pushto and i cant just take matters in my own hands,as much as i want to, its not that kinda environment....
Re: What does Support mean...
Come on Nadz can't you find some way of establishing yourself, maybe offer to tutor local children in English or set up a small home business, build some connections and make some friends.
to be honest, if i was happy, i would. i feel as if im not even happy here, i had all sorts of plans, i would tutor, i would do this n that...but its not working out as i feel like i just wana go back home....
Re: What does Support mean...
okay
the pingpong/table tennis table is not even in the house, its in husbands neighbours house or something, and they all men, so im assuming thyats why i cant just drop by and ask for it back...
secondly, we do have a car, and a driver, but its not the same as wanting to just go out myself..dont want a driver, i just want some time to go out by myself alone, like i used to back home.
my husband still doesnt have a job yet...........am i complaining about that? most women would go spare at their husbands all day long if they didnt have a job....so i expect him to atleast be there for me......however he seems to be in status quo.....he is looking, but not as he should....its a term i call lazy.....
and the reason i cant communicate as well here with stuff, is because of the language barrier....i cant speak pushto well, infact hardly.....so if i speak poutside, they know im a foreigner, my urdu is also uk-fied.....so its pointless me going out by myself....
i hate this place......im beginning to hate my husband just for bringing me here and hoping il be ok....what am i meant to do if im noy happy? i didnt come here to be unhappy.....yes i am trying, maybe not hard enough, however i iwsh was happy.....
with the book thing, i want some books, and so my brother whose coming next week to pak, asked him to get me some..now my husband said why u ask him, he wont havre any space in his suitcase, and ur making him carry more weight blah blah....he didnt think at all, tht ok il take you to bookshop, we will find one, somehwere, he just moaned at me...
and to be honest, its not like ive gone from uk to canada, its pakistan, and its peshawar i need to know fluent pushto and i cant just take matters in my own hands,as much as i want to, its not that kinda environment....
Sometimes men are lazy. Sometimes they are inconsiderate. Rarely do they read our minds. But as long as they are not "bad" people, we can make the relationship work. It might mean nagging at him, but if that's what you have to do, that's what you have to do.
Women are often the same way :D.
I know you're frustrated, and I don't blame you.
But I think as long as you keep thinking of going back "home" -- to the UK -- as a serious option, you are not going to make this work. This place is not the same as your old home. But it is your home NOW. Now make it your own.
Re: What does Support mean...
Nadz by far the best advice for the book situation was the suggestion above that you buy an e-book reader and then just order downloadable books online. Granted this only addresses the issue of book reading and not your boredom of other loss of independence - but at least it's a start.
As for getting around - if your husband is home, tell him you want him to take you around to see the city you will be living in for the next few years. If he's not available, go with your SIL or MIL - it may be a way to spend time with them and become closer to them as well - look for ways to integrate and enjoy your new home.
Re: What does Support mean...
Exactly. It's not like you've gone from the UK to Canada or the US. You've moved to Pakistan.......since you that things are done VERY differently there.......then you need to make some compromises. For example, you know you won't be able to leave the house by yourself whenever you want. So, would you rather stay cooped up and whine about it........or would you rather make use of the driver? Isn't going with the driver at least better than going with your MIL and SIL? The driver's just going to transport you..........he's not going to follow you around to every store. At least, you'll have some privacy when it comes to the shopping part. What you miss is being able to drive on your own...but you can't have everything you want....so take the options that are bearable or not that bad. Try to improvise/compromise....and take what you can .....as opposed to making yourself "mentally stuck" on one point or another.
Learning Pushto could be somethingn that you can take up during your "spare" time. You said that language barrier creates problems...so why not work on that? It'll keep you occupied for a while.
Also, where in your last post have you mentioned that you've made ANY effort in trying to explain to your husband what exactly you mean by "support" ? You say he's lazy....that he doens't understand or get that you want things done. You need to tell him what you want from him. Tell him that when you say "support"....you're looking for him making a greater effort to do things for you that you can do yourself (for whatever reason)...as opposed to you having to wait...or him always asking you "why you wanna do this/that"...."or kyun".....when you've mentioned things before. You need to communicate more clearly. If it doesn't work.....then tell your husband honestly that you're feeling very frustrated....and that you're seriously contemplating moving back because you feel that his behavior (where he disregards you....or doesn't make an active effort...or brushes you off) is simply disrespectful. Tell him that his behavior is making it hard for you to communicate/connect with him on various levels and that it's not healthy for your marriage. See, what he does. Maybe take a break from him...until he understands the seriousness of the issue. BUT DO...reflect upon your own actions and try to work around things yourself as well.
Re: What does Support mean...
bhai jannay main jain gey seedhay..... no questions asked.
Re: What does Support mean...
I have been to Peshawar 2 times in my life (for friend's wedding) and then on the way to swat etc.....and from what I remember it was weird. As we started getting into town and i think some place called "barra".....I barely saw ANY women on the roads.....shops etc....while driving by. I was weirded out and the few I did see were covered head to toe in abaya's.........so I am not completely surprised if she is not able to do much.....as say a lady living in Lahore or Islamabad is able to do . The family's lifestyle itself plays a role in that too, in how much freedom she has.
Re: What does Support mean...
Nadz I m sorry hun! It seems like ur hubby n inlaws r way more conservative than u n tht is the real issue.. And u must feel trapped. My inlaws r the same way... A bit conservative but they are still sweet except for my SIL... I think working on ur relationship wth ur inlaws would help... Then u can learn how the women there deal wth the lack of freedom and boredom.
Perhaps u can send a servant to pick up the table. And e-books can solve the book issue... I hahate those cuz I like flipping pages n stuff but u just gotta work with wht u got.
N just tell ur mil wht u wanna eat.. If she doesnt cook it then just make it urself.. Telling ur hubby to tell her prolly annoys him. My fiance is like tht... If I tell him to ask them for anything he tells me to just communicate wth them.
Try to make some friends
hugs
Re: What does Support mean...
bhai jannay main jain gey seedhay..... no questions asked.
no doubt about that... :)