what do you do with the so called "Advices"

I don’t get it… when we are about to get married… lot of things run in our minds… especially me.. because i am so uncertain of some decisions.. and then black phase comes in and i doubt if he is the right man or not ( usually when we aint in communication for two or more days because are countries apart right now)

so… when you go to these social gatherings and people learn that the girl is getting married.. all they can say is " oh don’t get married so soon.. take your own sweet time… life is different after marriage… life with parents is the best.. men change after marriage .. all you think about is home, food and kids.. you got no life of your own"

so now.. what do i do? I am 28.. how long am i suppose to wait?

Life with parents rosy- i lived all alone for 3 yrs working and have no social life…

men change after marriage – so I should continue to live my current life?

All the ladies including my sister surround me with negatives… and sometimes when i discuss what my fiance thinks… they say… oo i don’t like the way he is thinking.. you should make these things clear… don’t let him boss yo.. show him his limits…

and believe me sometimes I do get influenced and ruin things sometimes between me and my fiance..

so how do you deal with that?

Re: what do you do with the so called "Advices"

Hi Indylady,

Why is it that you are so unsure of wanting to get married? I mean its not really a question of how long you should wait but rather if YOU are happy with the person you are marrying. Does he treat you good? Bad? Do you guys have a lot in common? I assume is was an arranged marriage? Why do you second guess the relationship just because of the gap in communication? Do you love him?

You seem like a smart and independent girl so do YOU yourself feel you are ready to marry this person? I'm sorry for all the questions, just wanting to get some insight into your situation so I can try and help you out as best as I can. :)

indylady,

Ignore what everyone else says... I hate to bring religion into this, but I was listening to a lecture on marriage, and the doubt that you have comes from shaitan. Its really hard to find a spouse and mashAllah you've seem to have a good catch! Ask yourself the same questions that SanaZaidi mentioned above...

Also read your ayatul kursi and all your quls to protect yourself from anyone's nazar. And dont let anyone else's opinions get in the way of what you want.

When ppl start spewing negativity, tell them that you are happy mashAllah and that all you ask for are their duas and positivity.

Exactly, people will always try and tell you what they think about this and what they think about that but just take it one ear and out the other. I am a young bride, at 21 and still in school so usually when people tell me not to marry, its not in a serious manner but they are usually just joking around. People will always say something and sometimes they don't realize it is effecting you and sometimes they can even mean to say on purpose but as long as you are sure of yourself, and you are confident in your spouse, then the two of you will be just fine. :) Fights and arguments can happen along the way and make you second guess yourself but thats just come with marriage, and well any kind of relationship really. If your fiance is willing to compromise with you on whatever differences you may have then know that you have one of the good ones! :)

I know its hard especially when family or sister like you say are constantly filling your head with these kinds of doubts, could be maybe because you only talk to her about all the bad things in your relationship. If you and your fiance argue then don't tell anyone about it because it changes their opinion and respect for him in ways you won't even realize till later on. If he truly makes you happy, then keep it inside no matter what is is, and if you know that going off of her advice or anyone else for that matter may cause tension in your relationship...then the only person you need to listen to is yourself. And please trust me when I say that, you may not realize and that by venting to your sister about something that happened between you and your fiance is only worsening the situation. It is not helping you or him. I emphasize that because I have seen what happened with my brother in law. My cousin and her husband had a very rough first year and a half in their marriage, and the only people she would turn to for advice were her close friends and family. Not realizing that they were growing to dislike him more and more because all they ever heard were the bad things about him. She eventually realized she shouldn't of never said anything to anyone because eventually people started to give her and her family tanas for marrying him and her friends were all talking about divorces and convincing her that it wasn't going to work and she would get really upset at that because she may have just been venting her problems since she was alone in a new city with a new family...she was never even thinking as far as divorce or anything like that. She just needed to talk to people about it but that backfired on her. So khair...her and hubby are doing great now mA, going on three years and having a baby. :)

Moral of the story...there is no doubt that marriage isn't easy. Even for those in love marriages but if you are only unsure because of what OTHER people are telling you...then you need to really think hard about whether or not you will be able to live with this person for the rest of your life because only YOU know what he is like as partner and husband. Right or wrong for you, only you can decide that for yourself. :)

Re: what do you do with the so called "Advices"

you guys make so much sense.. and I just wish people around me were so practical..

A bit into details.. my fiance and I have sorta love-arrange marriage.. meaning.. we have known each other for past 8 yrs in friends capacity... later.. he just proposed saying he had kept feelings for me for long... I never dated, never had any kind of romantic relationships ever because I didn't want anyone to point fingers at my parents... but my parents never took active interest in finding a guy for me.. so when I did.. they started looking rishtas... and well they decided on him because he flew from London to meet them... my parents are never happy with their daughters selection.. its probably the parents thing... no man is good enough

anyway.. over the past two years... my fiance has seen me being mentally abused by my parents... being 28 yrs old independent working woman... i never took my own decisions.. and thats why i can never be sure of my own decision till i get assurance from my parents... i was way too dependent on them and beliefs and perspective...

with fiance being in my life.. i started seeing a different picture... which my parents did not like much.. we started having some differences and they expected me to remain dependent on them...there are more things... i would usually be the one ending up in tears... and my fiance mashallah is a loving man.. can't ask for a more patient man than him.... he has been putting up with the demands of my parents so far.....

but during this stage whenever my parents pick a fault at him... i get nervous about my decision... i share things with my sister because she openly shared her tragic stories with me...

i am sure he is the guy for me... and i know i cant be compatible with anyone but him...but when things start to sour between me and my parents or me and him.. i start to shake on my decision.. and thats why i told my sister.. do refrain from saying anything negative... because it gets me...

Thanks ladies ... I think for others... I just wanna give them a smart comeback so they don't even think about repeating it with me or others..

Be very wary of people and their comments at this stage. Ignore what people say. I have found that most often these people are jealous or envious of the person getting married, (even if they don't realise it themselves), so they try to get them all negative about things. Or they try to make out like marriage is scary or not enjoyable etc because in reality they are trying to make themselves feel better. I mean you're 28 years old for God's sake. You're not a baby. :)

Re: what do you do with the so called "Advices"

If family members are saying things then it is probably because they are just as nervous as you. So sometimes they voice their fears and uncertainties aloud. Don't take it to heart. I also agree that you should not go running to your family telling them about every disagreement or problem that you have with your husband/fiance. You will be able to forgive and forget because he will be your husband, but they will not. You will make them lose respect and regard for him. So please be wise in your dealings as you don't want any trouble brewing at such an early stage.

Thank you for letting us in. I'm sorry to hear that, I can sort of relate because I sometimes go head to head on certain things with my parents (mostly my mom), my dad is always neutral.. but just keep a level head through out all of it. I know most things are a lot easier said than done, but as rough conversations come up then try to keep your patience because it will make you a better person for it, and eventually you will learn to not let these things get to you anymore. Take the example from your fiance. :)

He sounds like a great person and if you are saying so then you shouldn't doubt the decision, since after all, your parents approved of him themselves in the first place, its not like you are going against them. Now if they are having issues with him being in your life, I mean I don't know what to say to that, I would never want to disrespect anybody on here by saying the wrong thing but maybe you should try talking to them? You are independent and old enough to make any of your decisions by now and go about them as you see fit and if you are marrying this person, then your family may also need to understand that he will have just as much of a say, in your life, if not more after the wedding.

I mean as long as you are still "under their roof" (not ruksat'ed) then try and keep things balanced with them up until the wedding for the sake of things going smoothly and not trying to get anyone upset. I can see you care for both your fiance and your family both but it is up to you to create the balance if problems are arising.

I mean once your married and living on your own, how much will your parents be able to keep you dependent on them. You will start to settle in your own life with a new partner having to make personal adjustments of your own and they should understand that but if they don't, that okay, just approach it to their understanding. It can be tough between families and your significant other for sure, but just be patient like the hubby to be, and support each other, all the mean while supporting your parents. I think the most important thing would be to try and keep the respect between them both, in both his eyes of them and theirs of him...I think that will go a very very long way. Otherwise, there will always be some kind of blame coming from one of them towards the other, only making it harder for you to keep things grounded. So same advice as before, try not to let them in to much about your fiance because the more they know, the more that may go against you in the future.

Inshallah your parents will come to understand what you want them too and it all settles down once the wedding is over. :) But if your telling me your fiance is an amazing person with and to you and you care for him very much, then I don't think you have anything to worry about because good men are few and far between, and you have one of them to spend the rest of your life with. :) I think that decision in your situation is the very LEAST that should worry you. :)

I hope that helps you out a little bit. :)

Re: what do you do with the so called "Advices"

I would say listen to yourself.. If you feel he is the right guy for you then don't listen to others.. your relationship with him is what you make it to be.. others will try to influence it and that can have negative affects.. I would just say listen to them but don't let it bother you.. or politely say to them "I am very happy masallah with the decesion".

Re: what do you do with the so called "Advices"

Thanks ladies for your wisdom and patience with my situation :) I know I have to be more assertive of certain things... and I need to buck up more and face my parents for certain situations... sometimes its just hard to say no to them or my fiance...but yes, he is the man for me :) and inshallah my parents will realize I can't be with them forever under their roof... but inshallah will be there whenever they need me.

Pray for me guys!!

Ofcourse :) Inshallah things will work itself out because aside from the problems, you sound happy to have him in your life mA and I'm sure this is just a bump in the road. God has strange ways of testing us, so stay strong. :) xox

that right there is your answer. you should have no doubts about him or your decision. i say ignore what everyone else is saying to you- you are independent and mature, and when things get hectic, remind yourself that your parents gave you the all-clear to marry him (since you are looking for their approval) and the things they are saying to you probably come from their own insecurities more than anything else. parents sometimes think their daughters will change and stop loving them or something after they get married, which is absolutely ridiculous. this is something they will get over once they see you happily married and settled down insha'Allah. so as hard as it is, try not to let their comments get to you and stop sharing what you talk about with your fiance. the decisions you make together with him are no longer anyone else's business but yours and his, just like your future life together. this is hard for people to accept but they will eventually-- and if they won't, then they're probably bitter about their own lives- remember the old adage "misery loves company". so if you don't want to be miserable, don't participate!