So gupians, what would you do if a close friend who had an arranged marriage over a year ago comes to you and says they are stressed because their marriage has already hit the rocks and has been that way for the majority of the marriage?
To shed light on the marriage, it was arranged by parents, they are not related and the guy moved to England a while ago (ain’t sure how, I assume via either a work or student visa). Hes been here a while but wanted to marry ‘the homely type of desi girl’ so his family found him a partner. Nothing wrong with that at all, however it turns out he has the following issues:
a foul temper-if she leaves the house he must know why, where, when she’ll be back
she cannot speak to friends when he’s around-he prefers her not to socialise at all
he wants a family and as they haven’t concieved yet he says she is to blame-no tests have been done to show this he ‘just has a feeling’. To top if off her parents feel a baby would help the situation-I personally don’t agree but feel I shouldn’t express it as her parents will know best.
His family in Germany/Pakistan are constantly on the phone asking for additonal money to that which he sends to his parents on a monthly basis (he of course supports his parents which is his duty). His brothers refuse to work, so he supports their families. My friend is currently working to support her household. Her inlaws have even said they have two wages coming into their bank accounts so it won’t hurt them to send more to the brothers in Pakistan. I don’t agree with my friend working to support the household-isn’t this the responsibilty of the husband and if someone was looking for a desi homely wife they should of expected her to wish to possibly stay at home or work part time only?
There’s been a few incidents where he has lost his temper and told her to pack her bags and never come back.
There was one incident where they were invited to a dawaat as newly weds and he didn’t eat there, and then on his return home at 10:45pm demanded his wife cooked biryani for him-she thought it was joke and laughed-he responded with she best hurry up and wake him up when it’s ready.
She’s stressed at work and feels the stress at home of walking around on eggshells isn’t helping her at all. She does look ill, although I haven’t said this to her.
The list could go on but my problem is what do I say to her when I next see her? She’s asked for me to meet up with her and try to sort out the situation. Her mum is aware of the situation and has said “sabaar karne se saab kuch hal ho jaye ga”. My friends pretty upset, and I can see why, I’m just worried that there’s nothing I can do apart from support her and listen to her issues yet she wants someone to sort it all out for her.
I spoke to my husband, who thinks my friends husband has married her to obtain a British passport-he feels because noone has actually seen this guys passport there is no way of knowing his intentions at the time of marrying her (according to my husband he may not have an Indefinate leave to remain-he maybe on another visa or even illegally in the UK!). I don’t want to bring this subject up as lost time we spoke about this she said her husband guarded his passport like his life depended on it. Saying that though, he has been back to Pakistan so I think my husband isn’t thinking straight.
So if this way your friend what would you say? Would you say the same as her mum? What on earth are you meant to say to make any of it better without talking to her husband which isn’t an option as he doesn’t approve of her seeing friends/having a social life anyway.
Re: What do you do when a friend turns to you and says their marriage ain't working?
i'm so sorry to hear about your friend, i pray every day that this doesnt happen to anyone. never ever.
about the whole nationality thing, she can appeal to the govt and if she has transfered him the passport she can take it back. i know someone who has done this, her husband is alot like your friends husband but she cant take a divorce as she has twins and she doesnt work.
i think your friend should not conceive, never. because if she has the baby she will be stuck in this marriage forever. i honestly dont support this sabar thing. its not worth it. since shes working and shes independent. she can leave him and support herself. i'm sure she will be able to find a good guy. someone whose not a maniac and shaki.
she should not work so that the household can run, the money should be entirely hers if she chooses to do it not to feed his relatives.
tell your friend to think this through, can she survive this forever? because i doubt a child would make it better. who knows if he has girlfriends in uk? be there for your friend, give her the support and help she needs. she needs support which she wont get from her family. so you can give it to her. if she has to, she can stay with you after seperation till things sort out.
You know what; she is confused about what to do. Here is what my attempt would be:
Let her talk about her issues. LISTEN to her, without giving any solutions just yet, she won't be really ready for them if she is still emotional (and you will feel frustrated over time). Just listen, let her know how it makes you feel - you know, support - what most friendships are so integral for.
Once she reaches a point when she feels a little less emotional about it all and is ready to find solutions, ask her this:
Ask her to frame the problem in a way she understands it. For example, "my husband does not like me socializing, he does not support us financially, for some reason, he guards his passport with his life, he is really inconsiderate sometimes to ask me to make biryani at 11pm." And also, "This is how my actions, thoughts and feelings contribute to the problems..."
Once that is done, ask her the following:
What would be the ideal outcome?
Now, what would the optimum outcome look like, considering her inability to create a perfect life, what things will stay no matter what, that she really has NO control over?
Is she willing to live a less-than perfect life, where there will be some problems?
What factors should she be careful of? What can go wrong even in the case of the optimum outcome?
Is she still willing to live that optimum life, with a possibility of those problems? What are the chances of problems such as him divorcing her because he did actually marry her for the passport etc, or the fact that he married her for that reason? (This is where other peoples opinions and advice comes handy).
Is she willing to live that kind of a life? Is she willing to deal with the difficult situations that might come along (knowing fully well that no one's life is perfect but that also doesn't mean that she should compromise on her core necessities)?
Ask her how she can make that happen, how she can bring that life about. It might also require a need for her to let go of some of the stuff.
What is the immediate next step that she can take to improve the situation, that she can do herself without anyone's help?
If all of this and the solution you and her reach sounds too simple and easy, she is not thinking through it thoroughly enough, unless she has been thinking this way and has spent time figuring these details out.
All of this can only work well when she is clear headed and is not too emotional.
All the best! This clearly isn't an easy situation, but every person is the only most capable person to find solutions to their problems, provided they are willing to take responsibility for any not-so-great decisions they might take. This is not to say that other peoples advice doesn't mean much. The decisions should be hers, no matter what they are, and she should know that she will be willing to live with the consequences (obviously with a lot of compassion for herself from herself, and other people).
Re: What do you do when a friend turns to you and says their marriage ain't working?
You know what you do? You don't get involved. I am amazed by how many threads people post about other people's issues and have yet to figure out you do not interfere between a husband and wife.
Wait....that only applies to the husband's family. I am so sorry. Do carry on.
Re: What do you do when a friend turns to you and says their marriage ain't working?
^Agree. :p
I think it's better not to get involved (although some friends might be offended by that).
At the very least......try not to take sides because you don't know the intricacies of their marriage as you don't live with them. MAYBE if they ask for advice...you can suggest broadly worded but positive strategies like calm communication or taking a vacation as a couple....or if things are so bad (counseling). But taking sides can get sticky.
I would love if you could shed some light on your life CM. I’m dying to know more about you. I think that if you want to post about a friend’s problem then you may thus calling it a discussion, not a method of interference
You know what you do? You don't get involved. I am amazed by how many threads people post about other people's issues and have yet to figure out you do not interfere between a husband and wife.
Wait....that only applies to the husband's family. I am so sorry. Do carry on.
^ wisdom.
Plus, I love how all the gunslingers do a quick draw as soon as someone posts something like this. There are always two sides to a story, it would be interesting to hear what he has to say about her.
Re: What do you do when a friend turns to you and says their marriage ain't working?
agree wid jaanwar
well, i do not know will this help or not. I am married for the past 5 years now and know him top till bottom or inside n out as u might say. The guy's character is exactly like my hubby. Till to date he asks me all those silly questions which i hear from one ear and let go from the other. Where are u going, when u will be back...... I definitely reply to him in a polite and positive manner whereas i am killing myself inside.
I don't have any frnds, as he do not like me to be social.
After 5 yrs of our marriage, NOW i have realized how his brains work and whatever card he throw's i make sure i have my Jack ready for him. Tell ur frnd to just wait like her mother said and TRUST ME if she is intelligent, she will get a hang of it. Mine is a total arrange marriage as well.
Would u believe, my husband totally supports his family and don't even gives a single cent for my kids or the grocery. I spend all my salary on myself, my house and my kids education, food and everything. If i talk to him, he starts barking his mouth off! BUT for the sake of keeping this marriage alive (because my daughters need their father) i am in this relation with him
one needs to be very clever, in how to deal wid such ppl
as they say, jiskay dil mein khud chor hota hai wohi aisi herkataen kerta hai!!!!!!
You know what you do? You don't get involved. I am amazed by how many threads people post about other people's issues and have yet to figure out you do not interfere between a husband and wife.
Wait....that only applies to the husband's family. I am so sorry. Do carry on.
CM, you're right that no one should interfere between a husband and wife. BUT...when a friend comes to you for advice, when a friend turns to you for help, when they have no one else to turn to...do you turn them away? A good friend would listen and try to help yeah? When a friend is asking for advice, I dont consider that to be interfering.
Korn, it sounds like you have learned to live and deal with a very difficult marriage. You have my sympathies. Once children arrive, its much more difficult to get out of an awful marriage. My best wishes to you and to your children, that they not be affected by living in an unhappy family.
Princess, the advice from Curious Lady is excellent. Help your friend define the plusses and the minuses, define what outcome(s) would be best for her. Its not like you are interfering or telling her what to do but rather helping her toput aside the emotional torment, take a step back and think about things in a logical way so that she can come to a logical and acceptable solution.
Re: What do you do when a friend turns to you and says their marriage ain't working?
whilst it all sounds very very sad and oh so terrible... i would play teh devil's advocate.... cross question ure friend a bit.. ud be surprised how much comes fwd that could explain teh guy's actions in diff situations..
i had a friend how as going through what seemed like a horrible marriage.. but once we started talking bout her behaviour... boy did it shed some light as to why teh usband was being such an ass. sometimes it really does take 2 to tango
Should she ask you for your advice, tell her to give it time, to work on thier relationship…until she has to appy for ILR. If there is no improvement until then, she should send him packing while she can. He may/may not change in the future, but two years is more than enough to see if there is potential. You cant risk you’re life, your kids on such shaky grounds and a baby in this situation is recipe for disaster… you as a friend need to tell her that.
Re: What do you do when a friend turns to you and says their marriage ain't working?
If he is from pakistan and has not been here two years. I think she should send him packing.
He sounds awful. I don't know why shes protecting him? he sounds like the husband from hell.
The only thing he hasn't done to her is physical abuse. Which I am sure is due anytime soon.
I love the way he blames her for not having kids. Occasionally if you are related to your spouse it can be hard to concieve. Sometimes down to pure genetics.
Don't hate me for saying that! but its true.
She sounds like shes in a bad situation. Men like that rarely change.
You can have all the Sabhaar in the world. But sometimes its not enough.
Re: What do you do when a friend turns to you and says their marriage ain't working?
Thank you for the advice guys.
CM, and others who have said I shouldn't get involved-I agree that a husband and wife should be the ones to sort out the problem, but as Mo3 has said when someone comes to you (and I know it's easy to say this but it's the truth) it's harder to turn your back because you don't know if she's revealing the tip of the iceberg, and what if things got worse? I don't support domestic violence, threatening behaviour and so on-if a woman was running down a street away from another person I'd want to help her as much as I could and that would be a stranger. This is someone I've known for nearly 10 years.
Yes indeed there are two sides to every story. Sadly for me I have heard a voice recording of her husband been quite horrid about 'western born girls' so I really have no inclining to even ask how she behaves towards her husband etc etc/what triggers him etc. If his opinions are so general about girls, God knows what else he thinks about relationships and so on.
I have no plans to make her mind up for her-in fact what Curious Lady has said about listening has helped me deal with the situation. At the end of the day, if she cannot deal with this behaviour/situation for any longer she needs to make up her own mind about how to move things forward.
Thanks folks again, something tells me I'm going to head a large box of tissues, a big box of chocolates and biscuits and loads of tea.
Just what you need when your trying to stay stress free.
well, i do not know will this help or not. I am married for the past 5 years now and know him top till bottom or inside n out as u might say. The guy's character is exactly like my hubby. Till to date he asks me all those silly questions which i hear from one ear and let go from the other. Where are u going, when u will be back...... I definitely reply to him in a polite and positive manner whereas i am killing myself inside.
I don't have any frnds, as he do not like me to be social.
After 5 yrs of our marriage, NOW i have realized how his brains work and whatever card he throw's i make sure i have my Jack ready for him. Tell ur frnd to just wait like her mother said and TRUST ME if she is intelligent, she will get a hang of it. Mine is a total arrange marriage as well.
Would u believe, my husband totally supports his family and don't even gives a single cent for my kids or the grocery. I spend all my salary on myself, my house and my kids education, food and everything. If i talk to him, he starts barking his mouth off! BUT for the sake of keeping this marriage alive (because my daughters need their father) i am in this relation with him
one needs to be very clever, in how to deal wid such ppl
as they say, jiskay dil mein khud chor hota hai wohi aisi herkataen kerta hai!!!!!!
Korn,
Wow, you've made some large decisions there and your making the best of the hand you were dealt.
I'm not sure if I can see someone doing the same if there is no children involved, and if the feelings are those of paranoia and fear. Each to their own, and whatever suits each person.
Re: What do you do when a friend turns to you and says their marriage ain't working?
Tell her NOT to have a baby...first piece of advice.
Secondly, just listen to her for now. Many women have already made up their minds about what to do but look for someone to validate their feelings. You are in no position to do that, no one is. You dont know every single thing happening behind closed doors. You are not in a position to give her the best advice. She needs to know how to help herself.
Pay attention to her and try to see where she is going with all of this. Is she trying to find a way to get out? I wouldnt blame her but I wouldnt advise her on it either.
Re: What do you do when a friend turns to you and says their marriage ain't working?
if she can support herself and doens't have any kids with him, then she should really consider divorce. thats what I would do. desi women are putting up with way too much crap these days in the name of "sabar".. There is a limit of sabar
Should she ask you for your advice, tell her to give it time, to work on thier relationship…until she has to appy for ILR. If there is no improvement until then, she should send him packing while she can. He may/may not change in the future, but two years is more than enough to see if there is potential. You cant risk you’re life, your kids on such shaky grounds and a baby in this situation is recipe for disaster… you as a friend need to tell her that.