Salam Guppies,
I’ve just come back from a family function where my relatives and extended family were. One of my cousins wife’s who got married 3 years back has always been very distant with me. I’m trying to make sense of it and understand what the reason could be. We meet only occasionally and she socialises with absolutely everyone. However I’ve noticed since the beginning that she chooses not to talk to me unless I initiate conversation and even then she will be limited in her response. I have observed her ways for a couple of years now and initially thought it was just in my head but it’s very obvious that she doesn’t want to talk to me.
I have often given compliments, asked about her job etc. In 3 years she has never asked me any question. She is very talkative with my sisters which makes me more confused as to why she has always behaved distantly with me.
My extended family is small so there are usually about 7 girls in total cleaning the kitchen, preparing food whilst the aunties take a seat.
I would not not feel comfortable asking her as I don’t want it to become an issue. I guess Im a Little embarrassed by it all.
I’m unsure if this holds any significance but my elder cousins wife is a well known troublemaker who has openly created conflict amongst us all. She has had several issues within the family due to her malice and I have previously stupidly confronted her which she has always denied. My sisters have always let things slide or began *****ing behind her back but I always felt it necessary to have it out in the open which I now regret. I’ve learned the hard way that the taiz types are masters at playing people off against each other.
As they r both close is it possible my elder cousin’s wife has turned her against me. The eldest has caused several rifts within our friends/ relatives and asian community and has a bad reputation for doing so.
Re: What could the reason for her not speaking to me?
why don’t you leave her alone? she doesn’t want to talk to you, she doesn’t. I think you should just leave her and your cousin alone, let them focus on their marriage. She is polite, isn’t that enough?
Re: What could the reason for her not speaking to me?
Leave her alone?? The only contact I have with her is during family engagements when I try engaging in polite small talk. I’m trying to determine ehat the cause could be as I have never said anything negative to her or anyone else. The only conflict I’ve had is with her BFF jaytanee.
Re: What could the reason for her not speaking to me?
Wasalam Bb.
If you were to confront her, she may not admit that something is wrong. So, you may not find out why she’s behaving this way. She’s not someone that you were once really close with, so don’t take it to heart as much. Continue being polite toward her…as in greet her and ask how she’s doing etc…but don’t expect her to reciprocate otherwise you’ll get hurt. Be nice to her because that’s the kind of person you are MashaAllah se. Let’s assume that jhetani has badmouthed you to her…then the best way to counter that is to act opposite to what may have been said about you. So if …hypothetically speaking …jhetani said you’re a rude/snobby person…then act counter to that. And keep in mind that you have no proof that jhetani has brainwashed her against you and you’ll drive yourself crazy if you dwell on this suspicion. It’s possible that she simply doesn’t feel like she clicks with you. Unfortunately not everyone will like us and we won’t click with everybody either. If you behave in the same way as her, you risk creating unnecessary drama. Be the bigger person; continue being nice …but don’t hound her…and don’t dwell on the why of it. If there are several other relatives that you get along with, then they more than make up for this one person and that’s something to be grateful for as you have other people to socialize with at family events. The only other possibility that comes to mind is that perhaps this girl socializes more with your sisters outside of events? Whereas you and her meet only occasionally so she doesn’t know u as well. But if that’s not it either…then let it go. Bigger things to worry about.
Re: What could the reason for her not speaking to me?
Red velvet I was hoping you would respond. I love the advice you give to others, always sincere and according to Islam.
I would never treat her the same way and become distant/ cold. In fact there is another cousin who is socially ostracised by my sisters and although im not keen on her character I make it a point to interact so she doesn’t feel sidelined.
My sisters all have social media and are very active on it. My cousins wife is too and they are all communicate this way whereas I have only spoken to her face to face. So this could be another reason.
There are definitely bigger things to worry about but I guess I’m being a bit anxious and hormonal. I have felt this way for years and had this odd feeling at the back of my mind and it’s only now I’m feeling down about.I will try not to dwell.
As for for her Jhetani, I’ve seen and heard myself her play games and constantly bad mouth others creating conflict within the family. Even my own parents have told us siblings to keep our distance from her as much as possible due to her ways. That’s why I felt it could be due to her but I can’t prove anything, and it may not even be true. Allah knows best.
Re: What could the reason for her not speaking to me?
Like you said, jhetani may or may not be behind it. Better to avoid suspicion. The thing with women who have a penchant for creating fitnah is that it eventually comes back to bite them. It’s only a matter of time before even the friends and allies wake up and realize that such women can’t be trusted. So, don’t worry about jhetani. You could attempt to socialize with cousin’s wife outside of family events as in invite her etc…if you’re really concerned about it. But in doing so, be prepared for the possibility that she still might be distant. It’s really not hard to reciprocate a polite question about your life…it’s common courtesy…and even relatives who don’t like each other can at least manage this much It’s immature not to do so each and every time. That’s her problem. Don’t worry, OP, it’s really such a minor thing. Cousin’s wife has no bearing on your life. It may even be a blessing…as perhaps you’d have drama to contend with if you two were closer. Just keep being polite (but also careful) around relatives and reduce your expectations of them.
Re: What could the reason for her not speaking to me?
I have some cousins (they are psychotic I guess) who avoided me and my other cousins during shadis, dawats and other family functions. At first I ignored their attitude and always greeted them when I met them. But then I’ve had it. I was done. So I made it a point to not greet them, to greet everyone on the table EXCEPT them, and to not even look at them. And I sometimes when I was laughing about anything, I looked at them purposely to make them think my cousin said something about them that made me laugh (yes I can be very mean if you are mean).
So next time when there was a gathering what did they do? One of them came to me and said hi, how are you blah blah and lets take a picture together, we dont have any picture together .
So sometimes you got to teach people a lesson.
So just ignore her and avoid her. She will be fine in no time.
Re: What could the reason for her not speaking to me?
i dunno, i feel like it might be the fact you didn’t offer her maple kk’s or a couple of those damn awesome timbits that one time when you bought a tray of dozen. i know it might not feel like a huge deal to you, but this kind of thing can actually hurt some people’s feelings. it’s weird for sure, i know. but what can ya do, eh?
Re: What could the reason for her not speaking to me?
I understand that it can be hurtful and it is rude. She’s no bachi that she can’t venture a question of her own out of courtesy. I wouldn’t give her a dose of her own medicine because you had said that she is tight with jhetani and if you upset the former then the latter might come to her defense and create unnecessary drama for you. It seems you’ve looked ahead and considered this possibility, so that’s good. You don’t need the kind of people in your life that can’t reciprocate basic civility…esp when you haven’t wronged them. Life is hard enough as it is without complicating it further by befriending people who may not be the best influences. And yes, I know you haven’t befriended her. But the point I’m trying to make is that maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that she keeps a distance from you. You don’t require her approval, your self-worth doesn’t depend on it. Everyone has their share of weird relatives; that’s nothing new. But I’m sure you have other people in your life (amongst relatives and friends) that sincerely care about you and that more than make up for this one woman. She doesn’t help raise your child, nor does she pay your bills…is liye don’t worry so much about what she thinks or why. If someone was nice to me and just as blatantly cold toward my sister…and that too…in front of me…then I’d be wary of that person. If they can’t treat my family with respect, I’d think it’s only a matter of time before they’d behave strangely with me too. So, rather than desire a closeness with that individual, I’d be polite but on guard. I don’t think I have a tough skin myself so I’m not an expert in the area…but maybe when you consider the above points, you’ll hopefully feel a bit less emotional about this girl.
It’s immature not to do so each and every time. That’s her problem. Don’t worry, OP, it’s really such a minor thing. Cousin’s wife has no bearing on your life. It may even be a blessing…as perhaps you’d have drama to contend with if you two were closer. Just keep being polite (but also careful) around relatives and reduce your expectations of them.
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