What can be a possible solution?

[redvelvet]

Re: What can be a possible solution?

@rizla86

Surely this guy can’t be the end all be all rishta for her mother? So what if he’s the only person in the family, if the girl is decent and educated **I’m sure she could find a more fitting rishta from outside the family just as easily. **

The girl has apprehensions about being with a person she doesn’t feel is up to her level, I think she is entitled to that. But just to appease her mother maybe she should try and get to know this guy, sometimes education isn’t everything and she might end up liking other aspects of him. He is from a good family after all, surely he must have some skills he could utilise in the US. However if despite all this the girl still feels the guy isn’t right she should just let her mother know and bow out of the rishta arrangement, promises made in the past do not entitle her mother to emotionally blackmail her.

There could be several good rishtay outside of the family out there for her. But this is not the first time this has happened. One of my relatives (widowed at a young age) married her eldest daughter to a cousin. The OP’s mother probably thinks that getting her daughter married within the family would ensure a more peaceful marriage…based on the premise that relatives will treat her better…that she won’t have to go through mistreatment by in-laws drama…therefore less of a headache for OP’s mother. So, is the assumption. Although it’s not necessarily true. Sometimes in-laws that are related to one…can be much worse than those not related to you. Familiarity can be comforting…and there’s also the saying that familiarity can breed contempt.

Bowing out is easier said than done. The whole issue won’t simply end with her refusal to marry him. The drama (crying, insults, pressure, blackmail from mom and possibly others, guilt trip) will ensue…and you have to be really strong to deal with that. Yeah, blackmailing is wrong…but does this stop some desi parents from engaging in it? Nope.

If she has never personally interacted with him…then getting to meet him will give him a better idea of his personality…and it could change her mind…she may even like him. It is TOUGH for college degree holders to find a job in the US…it will be even tough for someone who only has a high school degree from Pakistan…and then the issue of credits matching up, etc. Having a Bachelors or even a higher degree does not necessarily mean that the guy will make a good husband or has good work ethic/ambition/drive. There are the rare exceptions to the generalizations…someone with lesser education could be more ambitious and dedicated. Completing education/adjusting to the culture/difficulty with language/dealing with the emotional highs/lows of assimilating to a new environment…all valid concerns. If she’s absolutely certain she doesn’t want to marry him (especially after meeting him)…she will have to be strong in standing her ground.