Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

Cut him off from the cash flow. You don't give him any money.

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

No I am not pregnant, I have two baby boys...6months and 1 1/2. I don't know who is putting this stuff in his mind. It's just ridiculous! Be happy you have a wife who will do everything for you...two beautiful boys...a house, a car, savings...indefinite ....what else do you want...yes I'm still fat from the pregnancies..but not everyone sheds the weight straight away...and no I'm not the prettiest of girls....but my face is what it was when you got married to me...just a little tired from taking care of our kids at night...because you don't help me!

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Your husband is such a looooooser, jahil he has more female Hormons than u.
Aise namard pe to main lanat bhi na bhejo. ..
WTH
Killing yourself ? Uska kya jayega?... kisi ki itni auqat nahi hoti ke uski wajjah se apni zindagi khatam ki jaye! And u r sooo selfish... think abt ur parents, sinblings n kids n about URSELF.
Your behaviour towards your "hubby" shuld depend on his behaviourn n the way he treats you.
Take a stand woman!

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

Thats exactly why as soon as the thought comes to mind I stop and think no way...I don't want to be selfish.....by the way I was pregnant when these thoughts came to mind...but as soon as I thought of them I thought of my babies first....how they would feel growing up without their mum and finding how how selfishly I killed myself...don't worry these thoughts no longer come into my mind....they were thoughts that I had. My babies are my strength.

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

My brother in law always reminds me the story of Pharaoh And Bibi Aasiyah....he was such a horrible husband....but Bibi Aasiyah was such a good wife....Allah names her alongside Hazarat Maryam a.s as women ideals....and that our reward will come in the hereafter...and the same thing for men....where a woman is horrible the husband will be rewarded...Hazrat Nuh a.s and his wife.

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

:-( this is really sad. So, now people have started marrying for gold and gifts? no wonder why there is so much pressure on poor and middle class families.

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

Now men have started gold digging too? Iis ki kasar reh gai thee.

Still can't get my head around all this money shenanigans at desi weddings, two people are getting married why does there need to money involved anyway? Its not a trade its marriage! (Religious people please don't bash me as I am not aware if we are required by religion to do so :( )

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

The next time he mentions something as silly as this, be very cold and tell him you think its so cheap of him to talk like that. Your parents did whatever they could. I wonder how you can stay quiet when he comes up with all that crap. Don't allow him to treat you like that. Please!

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

Turn it back on him when he asks what you've given him. If he can't see that you've given him a home and two lovely kids he's plain jaahil! Ask HIM what has he given you also, it's his duty to look after and provide for the kids and you.. make him do it.

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People who can afford do gift gold. But it depends on families as well.

Few years ago a reative gt engaged. Girls family were very well off. Even boys family was rich.
On engagement girls family gifted necklace set to boys sister, bangles to mother and gold to other family members as well.

Boys family gt gready. With lavish jehez and five star reception, groom s family refused to take girl home after velima unless her father gifts them certain amount (in lakhs).

Even if ur family had gifted gold, your husband could have other issues. Its in nature.

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

Was your husband always in the habit of fault finding or is this a recent problem? Generally its the womenfolk in a family who fret over kapray and jewelry, which makes me wonder if the inspiration/ignition/fueling of this gold grudge didn't coms from elsewhere. Strangely, your husband's brothers don't complain about these things.

Are there any underlying tensions? For example, are there financial problems? I ask this because your husband's complaint are about money and material things. Financial problems can strain a marriage. Are there problems at work? Maybe the frustrations he is taking out on you are stemming from another source.

You said that u find it hard to control your anger when he brings up wedding gifts, try not to lose your cool. As someone else had suggested, ignore it. Maybe he feels "under" appreciated for not having received gold, so it's an insecurity issue and he wants you to feel insecure when he attacks your parents. Avoid fueling his arguments. The other thing you said was that if he finds out things you've told his sister, he gets mad. So, you need to be careful with what you say to her. Talk to your husband gently when he's feeling calmer without criticizing him about the state of your marriage. Try this and see how it goes before taking more aggressive steps.

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

We have had problems from the beginning....problems being that he has never been overly close to me. He rarely starts anything between us, majority of time it's me. I always put it down yo he is tired...from working or his back pain he has been diagnosed with a condition which causes stiffness in back/neck. But I do everything I can to help him....massage...hot water bottle...don't nag him about when he is going to bed...he lives his own life.

I think someone must have said something like....see what they have given us all...your in laws didn't do this...and that would have added to him feeling like he has been neglected in someway...but he married me...not my mum and dad....

if there is any financial strain in our marriage then it's been caused by him, 3 1/2 years in aft getting his brother married in the UK...and saving again so he can buy land in Pakistan....I've not asked him once for anything....I've had 4 birthdays since our marriage and and it was only the first one that I got something. The remaining three he didn't remember. Three anniversaries...didn't remember didn't get anything....you know any other girl would have made such a big issue...but I thought doesn't matter financial situation is such that he can't get anything...but we rnt poor...he could have got me something. The money isn't being spent on bills...it's being saved...so he could've got me something...I've remembered and got him something for every birthday and anniversary...

I don't shout or scream at him. I try and make a conscious effort to speak to him calmly and politely because I don't want that to be another issue...that "whenever I speak to her she is disrespectful" treat your wife like she is your servant and secretary ...and still expect me to respect you!

Arrgghhh! Anyhows ppl your comments have been very helpful...and I am going to take heed of your advice.....inshallah with all your prayers...

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Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

Gosh I'm so sorry to read your posts and think of girls like you that are in your situation. My best friend is going through something similar but your husband is a very mean human being.

He gets so much from a wife he doesn't even respect, imagine what you could have done for him with a little bit of support and respect. He is a cheap person to even say this stuff AFTER 3 years. Did he come knocking on your door looking to be bought? It's ludicrous that anyone in the west could think this way! Does he have sisters? Does he realize what kinds of burdens are put on the girls family during a daughters wedding. Please don't entertain bad thoughts. Do not stoop to the level nor let it get the better of you. I'm sure I don't need to say it but since this is a forum, for you to be the best example for your children with or without him. You are absolutely right in regards to a separation. What's worse for your kids to suffer with you now in a volatile situation or at least grow up knowing how strong their mother was and what it means to treat the woman in their life around them with respect. You ultimately have to decide because its not fair for any of you continue to suffer in my opinion. I say this because you seem independent enough on your own. Praying for you.

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You seem like a smart and sensible woman, and its just really awful that you ended up with someone you does not give you the respect that you deserve. The fact that he uses gifts given by your family as a way to taunt you shows that he is a jaahil person who doesn't have a real understanding of what people are truly worth. Do not let his misgivings make you feel like less of a person - this isn't about you in any way, and its more likely than not that even if your family had given them all the gold in the world, he would still find a reason to be hateful and taunting.

At this point in your life, you should focus your attention and energy on your boys. Teach them how to value other people and become sensitive and God-fearing people. It's easy for all of us to sit back and give you advice on how to deal with your husband, but none of us can truly know what it is like to be in that relationship or household.

Continue to have faith in Allah (Swt) and in yourself. You have two beautiful boys that need you to be strong and withstand all of the mean and hateful things thrown your way. I understand your wanting to keep your family intact. However, if your relationship begins to cross the boundaries into abuse, then please get help and don't be afraid to leave. In the meantime, continue to pray for love and mercy in your relationship and stability and happiness for your family.

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

Thank you guys, your comments have given me a lot to think about and very much needed support. I think the biggest mistake I've made is speak to his family and mine. I wish I had spoken to someone neutral and make be things wouldn't have got back to him...and I could've controlled the situation a but better...hindsight eh! ** Big sigh**

My family now pretty much know the situation...they've told me that they are fed up of his pettiness. They have given me the all clear to make a decision I feel is right and they will support me 100%.

Im im going to carry on being the dutiful wife...and focus my attention on making myself a better muslim...my intentions to start praying 5 times a day have been intentions for too long....I need to find peace and inshallah with time spent remembering Allah and all he has given me I can start to feel better inside.

S and S, you asked if he has sisters...he has two...both are married! He knows what their in laws are like ....and still treats me the same...I've realisd he is very much a shower type of person...dikava kernai walai hai...you should have seen his second sisters wedding...you'd think they were from England they way the spent the money.,,or well settled people from Pakistan. They are neither....one brother was in England so my husband went and spent money on booing a really nice hotel, plus rooms for the baraat as they were travelling from quite far...12 hours by car. This was very nice of him to do for his sister..he said I gave my sisters in laws Izat...really so everyone else who has got their daughters or sisters married haven't given their inlaws Izat.?

the amount of money he Solent of wedding...just showing off he could've given to his sister to out towards a down payment for house...that would've have been much more useful! And by the way this is while they are renting their own home.

I think if you have the money...then do it.,,by all means...but don't expect that everyone will be able to do the same!

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Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

Your husband needs to learn that Izat isn't bought its earned.

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

OP -

I can see how hard it is for you to deal with all of this. Do you have family close to you? Has he cut you off from them at all?

I know its easier said than done but respect and love yourself...that is the only way anyone else will.

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

I have family nearby, and they help out or come round as often as they can but they are all busy with their own families as well.

They know he is cold with them so they rnt very forthcoming with him. I wish I could turn back the clocks...and manage the whole situation better! Anyhows...everything is plodding along for now...let's see when the next tornado comes home!

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Re: Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

Smh. what a horrible way to live. Do you really want your boys seeing this as they grow up? I know of one person who witnessed his father continually berate his mother and yell at her to the point where he himself now has to take anxiety meds.

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Wedding gifts to Inlaws problems after wedding

I have to agree with Ufsana but at the same time only you know what is best to do for yourself.