I don’t mean to open up the whole “No Boxed Gifts” discussion yet again, but I fear that it might come up…so this is just a warning in case some of you have previously participated in a debate on that topic.
What I want to ask is how many of you take into account the “cash gifts” that you will inevitably receive at your wedding/valima when you are budgeting for the cost of the wedding?
I actually came across a desi wedding planner that said she could show me spreadsheets used for compiling guest lists in which next to the family name was listed the amount that they had the potential to bring as a cash gift (or a minimum that could be expected to be recovered). I was a bit taken aback and questioned the concept. She stated that it was usually the parents who thought this way and was quick to defend her brides and grooms.
I am familiar with the idea of “covering your plate” and adding some for the gift when giving, particularly when “No Boxed Gifts” is splattered across the invitation, and I’ve even heard of parents that gathered all the envelopes, deducted the cost of the wedding and then handed over the balance to the couple but to actually have an “expectation” of a certain amount was a little disturbing to me.
Am I just clueless and this is a “norm” or do I have some sanity still?
Wow thats pretty tacky in my opinion!! I think when planning a wedding or any other function, you should plan it according to whatever budget you can afford..instead of holding expectations that your guests will bring XYZ amount of money that you can use to cover your costs!!
You know the desi way of using spreadsheets? An elder (aunt or uncle) sits with the bride and groom on the stage with a pencil and notebook and writes the amount of money the guests give as salami to the couple. Usually to keep an account of how much the couples families are supposed to give back when something happens in their guests family.
I’ve seen it happen with my own two eyes. MashaAllah! :halo:
I’ve seen this happen as well…but not so blatantly as to do it on the stage.
Usually this is done at home, in the presence of the elders because they don’t want to be “indebted” to anyone. So if a gift of $150 if received then at least that much is given back to the people that gave the gift.
I've seen this happen as well.....but not so blatantly as to do it on the stage.
Usually this is done at home, in the presence of the elders because they don't want to be "indebted" to anyone. So if a gift of $150 if received then at least that much is given back to the people that gave the gift.
It's one thing doing it at home.. keeping an account of everything. I get it.
But when you're doing it on stage and the guests are waiting for the shadi ka munshi to write down what they're giving. The guests going.. "haan jee likh liya?".. the couple waiting for the money to be handed to them.. the munshi jotting down amounts and confirming "kitnay? Itnay?".
actually it was not the spreadsheet that I was thrown by.....it was the expectation and the taking that amount into budget.....
heck I always use spreadsheets for big parties.....just never had a column for "gifts"
The expectation comes because the host families have gifted the guest families over the years and they expect some sort of monetary gift. Personally I'm fine with that, but then to actually put that down into a spreadsheet and take it into account for the budgeting of the wedding is ludicrous!
Wow. It's a new business in town. :)
I know someone who made a comment that he expected enough from his wedding presents (cash) so his honeymoon to Europe tour was covered :d
This reminds of my chacha's wedding where my taya ji sat next to him and literally wrote down how much was given by so and so. People even stood by to ensure name was spelled correctly. In the end journal was given to dada Abu and I guess it was kept as a record.
I also remember some family friends weddings and same thing. All the weddings in 90s back home that I can think of included three people on the stage. Bride Groom and Salami record keeper lol . Now my chachas are business owners back home. They even made decent income back then. So I know money wasn't the issue. :d
Now in 2013. Thank goodness no record books. Things are much normal with the family now. I am assuming that was the phase.
The expectation comes because the host families have gifted the guest families over the years and they expect some sort of monetary gift. Personally I'm fine with that, but then to actually put that down into a spreadsheet and take it into account for the budgeting of the wedding is ludicrous!
yeah....but maybe the guests are unable to return the same amount that was gifted to them.....then what?
Wow. It's a new business in town. :)
I know someone who made a comment that he expected enough from his wedding presents (cash) so his honeymoon to Europe tour was covered :d
see.....that's my issue......if you can't afford a honeymoon, don't plan one.
maybe the whole concept of "sharing one's happiness" is just gone......
Oh gosh thats another tacky and horrible custom, to keep track of how much people give you and then give the same amount back! Everyone should just give whatever they can afford to give with love, regardless of whether the other gave you more or less, and stop being so judgemental!! If someone cant afford to give me much, I would still give them whatever I can afford, even if it would be double their amount. And if someone gave me more than I could afford, I wouldnt put myself in debt or hardship just to "match their standards", I would still only give whatever I can give!! All this calculating and keeping track, it just takes the joy out of everything and makes just for show. I agree with Munza, that there doesnt seem to be any honest concept of "sharing one's happiness" and "its the thought that counts"
I support reciprocity in gift-giving where it's mutually affordable. I don't expect someone to give me a super expensive gift, but if someone can afford a thoughtful gift (it could be $20 and handmade and I would be grateful, because of the thought put into it), yet they chintz out, that annoys me as well. The lady who arrives in the $800 custom made designer suit, driving a Benz, and then gives a $2 gift is almost offensive, especially after she's demanded a cash gifts at her own events. I'd rather she not give me anything at all and rather make a donation to a charity.
But the idea that I must overextend myself to pay for a gift that's not comensurate with what I've received from the host in the past, but with the extravagance of the event (which is outside of the host's budget) is what bothers me. A gift is supposed to be a token of affection - not payment for invitation. It loses it's meaning and significance when expectations are added to the gift.
I remember back home it was the responsibility of the person celebrating to cover the costs and "treat" the others.
So if it was my birthday then it was my turn to treat the others to a dinner/party etc. And no, they were not expected to bring gifts.
Heck now I've been to "birthday dinners" where everyone is expected to bring a gift for the person and still pay for their own meal.......and that too at a restaurant of the birthday-person's choice!!!
I think you should budget a wedding with the expectation of no gifts whatsoever (It would not even occur to me to factor in gift collection into my wedding budget)
Then anything you do get on the day will be a nice surprise, like when you open a kinder bueno and its your favourite toy inside...
As for keeping track of what people give you, I would've thought it was important for writing thank you cards?
It's one thing doing it at home.. keeping an account of everything. I get it.
But when you're doing it on stage and the guests are waiting for the shadi ka munshi to write down what they're giving. The guests going.. "haan jee likh liya?".. the couple waiting for the money to be handed to them.. the munshi jotting down amounts and confirming "kitnay? Itnay?".
It's not a pretty sight.
Agreed! That looks outright awkward. I thought this happened in this little part of the world around me only.
The wedding is yours so you need to plan it in a budget you can afford, expecting from others isn't a great option. First, nobody is thinking about your expenses, they are thinking about their food and clothes. So one might be disappointed, if he really is keeping it as an option. Second, this is uncivilized, even just the sound of it.
If one doea get 'some' amount, that might be an additional bonus, but the expenses... that should be something managed beforehand.
I wasnt really bothered about how much cash we collected i put no boxed gifts on our invites purely because i didnt want to end up with hundreds of kettles toasters dinner sets etc, but my immediate family and friends knew this didnt apply to them and i was happy for them to give me whatever they felt like it was just a blessing for them to all be there on my big day. Money that we got on the wedding i asked my mum to keep and save for me. Valima money my in laws gave to us both, which we saved aswell.
Here in the uk ive seen the book system in mirpuri families where a specific person is allocated to collect the cash, open envelopes and count what was given and take the name and address of the person who gave.
